There is an end to the rope.
For so long, years even, since childhood... I've lived in the, "If I could only... then I'd be happy" lie. Here I sit and I've accomplished all those "if only's" and the pain is still there, deeper than ever. This is a scary place to be. A place without hope. A place filled with pain. I can't see, I can't feel and yet I hurt more deeply than ever. I'm just breathing in and out. In. Out. In.....Out.....
Before!
11/26/07
11/18/07
Turning blue...
So last night both of my hands turned blue.... it was very weird and as soon as I would rub them together it would turn pink... as soon as I stopped though, they turned blue again. I looked like the little girl on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I felt fine, except my arms/hands felt cold...but I'm always cold now.
Any ideas about what this was??
Any ideas about what this was??
11/16/07
7 months!
The scale has gone up a bit in the last couple weeks, as I have found that I can eat again. Well, I could up until yesterday. The scale read 177 lbs this a.m. but that is sure to change now that I'm back on a liquid diet.
I had my braces put on yesterday. Ow. It hurts. Bad. It's good in a way b/c I can totally see me losing these last 40ish lbs now! LOL
Alot has changed in these last months. A lot inside of me. The way I feel and see things. The way I see myself. It's not all good either. I have realized that I have a distorted body image and though I've lost 100 lbs. I feel as big as ever. I can't explain it. I have everyone telling me how good I look but honestly I don't see it. I "know" I'm smaller, but when I look in the mirror I still see fat. I still see imperfection.
I am constantly reminded of a pic I saw on Beth's "post secret" weight loss blog. There was a post card with a pic of a perfect, tight belly and the words, "I thought I'd look like this.." then a pic of a flabby, saggy, deflated belly and the words, "but I look like this." It's so true. Good grief, how true it is. And it sucks. And it messes with my head.
I know I could always have PS, but I'm tired of pain. As I sit here now, unable to chew or talk right, I just can't imagine going through any more pain. In the last year, I've had a baby, had GBS and now have had all this work done on my teeth. I just can't take any more pain.
So that leaves me in the position of having to accept me... the way I am. I have NEVER 100% done that. Has anyone? Is it possible?
I had my braces put on yesterday. Ow. It hurts. Bad. It's good in a way b/c I can totally see me losing these last 40ish lbs now! LOL
Alot has changed in these last months. A lot inside of me. The way I feel and see things. The way I see myself. It's not all good either. I have realized that I have a distorted body image and though I've lost 100 lbs. I feel as big as ever. I can't explain it. I have everyone telling me how good I look but honestly I don't see it. I "know" I'm smaller, but when I look in the mirror I still see fat. I still see imperfection.
I am constantly reminded of a pic I saw on Beth's "post secret" weight loss blog. There was a post card with a pic of a perfect, tight belly and the words, "I thought I'd look like this.." then a pic of a flabby, saggy, deflated belly and the words, "but I look like this." It's so true. Good grief, how true it is. And it sucks. And it messes with my head.
I know I could always have PS, but I'm tired of pain. As I sit here now, unable to chew or talk right, I just can't imagine going through any more pain. In the last year, I've had a baby, had GBS and now have had all this work done on my teeth. I just can't take any more pain.
So that leaves me in the position of having to accept me... the way I am. I have NEVER 100% done that. Has anyone? Is it possible?
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