Ignorance is bliss. :(


Blogger Slump

There are things going on right now that I just can't blog about yet. I really wish I could. I wish I could just let the words flow out of my fingers and on to the page. I know it would be cleansing just to get it out. But I can't.

Morning time used to be my favorite time of day. When the day is fresh and just beginning...I always loved the verse about his mercies being new every morning...and just that overall feeling of a new day. Now, that feeling is gone. DJ comes in from working 3rd. I keep myself busy w/ house work while he piddles around getting food or watching tv. He used to come in and jump right on his xbox for a few hours and I would get the house picked up and plan my day. Little did I know... my little perfect looking life, was a lie.

I know I'm not making sense. I'm sorry. I'm still trying to process so many thoughts, feelings, emotions...Everything I thought was true has been shaken and my foundations have crumbled.

My weight is staying down. Mostly b/c I can't eat very well. The braces were tightened this week too on top of everything too so "sigh"...not much food going in. Trying to keep shakes down though at least. How sad that I've come so far and feel so much better physically, but can't even enjoy it at this point b/c of all the other craziness going on.

I'm sorry I can't be more upbeat right now. It sucks that my life is where it is right now. I wish I knew the way out of this nightmare or even how to get over what has happened.

Time heals all wounds? I sure hope so. I'm waiting.


12 days

It's been 12 days since I blogged last. There have been many tears, some smiles, several sleepless nights, a few panic attacks, and hours of soul searching. I've been unable to put into words what I've felt, then at other times, been overwhelmed with what spilled out of my lips.

I attended church yesterday. Some old friends were in town and so we went ahead and went. He spoke about the story of Naaman. He was a leaper and a high ranking army general at the same time. Here was this man, valiant and strong, successful in his endevors...winning victory after victory and yet, he had one thing....You know that ONE THING that stops you. That one thorn in your side. That thing that you desperately wish you could rid yourself of, and yet there it is, day in and day out...

So the story goes, that Naaman went to the prophet Elisha and was told to dip in the Jordan river 7 times and he would be clean. It seemed like a goofy thing to do, but he was desperate to rid himself of this horrible ONE THING.

Can you imagine if he would've stopped after only dipping 3 times, or 5 times, or even 6 times?

He would've remained a leaper.

It took all 7 times. He had to finish what he started. He had to stick it out....

I had a thought too, beyond what the minister had said. I'm sure getting in that water was painful... Open sores and water do not mix. Can you imagine the pain he must've been dipping in that water?

The first time under water and I'm sure his skin was on fire...and upon each dip, the pain worsened....but he had faith that on that 7th time, his pain would be gone.

It says that when he came up out of the water on the 7th time, he was whole, and his skin was a like a newborn babies.

I'm in the water. I'm dipping...It burns. The pain is so intense, but I have faith, that if I don't give up, I'm going to be whole. I've come to far to give up now... and I certainly didn't endure the hurt of the first, second, even fifth dip to stop now. I may be dipping down for the sixth time right now.... My breakthrough may be right around the corner.

I'm not giving up. I'm going down for another dip....


Let Down

No. No one has let me down. I'm talking about the feeling that comes after a highly stressful situation comes to a close... or that feeling that hits your knees/guts/throat after a near collison... you know... the one that makes you feel like you could literally throw up, pass out, die or all of the above, just from the thought of what just almost happened?

For me, I shot myself right into survival mode for the last month. I was a walking zombie. I thought I was losing it,but really, I was surviving. I was being me. I was running, retreating, detatching, shutting down, but still surviving.

And in the middle of all that surviving... I was doing something new too.

Instead of the old, survive, but also build walls, shut down, harbor bitterness, give up mentality, coping mechanism that I had come to master so well, this time, I tried (or was forced into) something new. This time, I entered counseling. :D

So while I did some of the old, I didn't completely shut down and tune out....Instead, I am now armed with new information about me and about DJ, about my family, about my life. I opened my eyes, and chose a new path. I am chosing for this time to be different. Even if no one else changes, I will.

I will be stronger. I will not take blame for things that aren't my fault. I won't put people on a pedastal and then get hurt when they fall off. I won't expect people to be something they can never be. I'll get my eyes off of everyone else, and on to me instead, for once.

A month ago, I thought my world had crumbled. I thought it was over. I thought it was hopeless and that everything I had worked hard to build, was over. I pictured myself alone, and unhappy...miserable.... struggling.... poor....I thought for sure it was all my fault somehow too.

Only this time I couldn't blame my fat. I had to look at me and who knew saying, "It's not my fault" would be so hard!!

What is it in a person that makes them blame themselves for everything? My bio dad not sticking around? My fault. My step dad's alcoholism? My fault. My mothers unhappieness? My fault. What the neighbor did to me as a child? My fault. The list could go on and on.... How everything bad that happened in my life was my fault... I carry guilt for things that had nothing to do with me! No wonder I tried to numb myself with food. So much hurt, hidden, ashamed of what I felt on the inside, and so afraid to talk about it... b/c afterall, I did cause it anyway... If I could just do better....

And I've brought all that baggage into my adulthood and ended up being a 277 lbs. broken, bound, blame carrying woman.

Last month I realized that now I was that same person on the inside, but somehow, during the last year, as I unveiled this beautiful person underneath, I'm seeing that I'm worth so much more. And blame carrying isn't what I was created for.

I am only responsible for MY choices and MY actions. Although other peoples actions and choices may affect me, they have nothing to do with me!!

And so now I stand here.... let down. You know that feeling? I'm shaking, I feel sick, I can't believe I survived what just happened, my knees feel like jello and my heart is in my throat.....

but that feeling is leaving and I'm nervous but I'm hopeful, grateful, relieved and excited. The future is bright, and I'm free.

(I am going thru a workbook in therapy called, Self Esteem. I will be sharing some of my self discovery here. I am so very excited and thankful for lifes lessons and journeys and truly appreciate each and every one of you who read here and support me! I love you guys!!)


My choice

I am chosing to look up! :)



I hit my revised goal of 136 yesterday morning. It was sort of not a big deal in light of the other issues going on right now. Especially, considering I'm losing b/c I can't eat. That seems like I'm cheating in a way.

Anyway... I'm still 6 lbs. over the doctors goal, but I know once I have the tummy tuck I'll be below that.

So here I am. At goal. 136.

Sadly, it doesn't change anything that's wrong in my life right now.

At least I look good, right? ;)


Don't know

Right now I am going through the worst battle of my life. I'm not being dramatic. There could be some HUGE changes coming soon. I can't share right now, but I am on my last leg. If you pray, please pray. I need a clear mind, and right now I don't have that.

Thank you.