I'm excited and wondering how this will all pan out. I won't quit this time. I absolutely WILL NOT quit.
As a super morbidly obese person, I felt trapped. I KNOW I'm smart. I KNOW I'm talented and gifted and a good person, but I let a lot of that be hidden behind rolls of fat and walls built on insecurity. I was too afraid of rejection to go back to college. In fact, when I went back in 2002 after Abby was born, it was only after I had lost weight and was under 200 lbs. I didn't dare try to go when I was at my highest weight.
Why? Why did I allow myself to be in a prison?
I made other excuses.... I'm too busy, it's too hard, I have kids, I need to work, I can't find a babysitter...blah blah blah.... The real reason? I was afraid of rejection and I had no energy b/c I was overweight.
That was it. How sad??
In the last year, if nothing else, I have gained a strength that tells me that I can accomplish whatever I set out to accomplish. This surgery was THE hardest thing I've ever gone through but I made it! And I made it to the other side STRONGER. For me the weight was just that... a WEIGHT that held me back, held me down and kept me defeated.
Now, I'm light and free and on my way to do things I've always wanted to do but never had the courage. My future is bright.
So that is that. :)
I have noticed that when my house is a mess I feel out of control and so for that reason it feels good to get it CLEAN! I am off work until next Monday and we leave for our short mini vacation Friday night so I plan on enjoying the next few days in a nice clean house! :)
The scale is being very nice to me lately and I am consistantly weighing in at 138-139 lbs. As long as I stay in the 130's I AM HAPPY. I'm wearing 4's and 6's. I couldn't ask for anything more. I feel great.
My eating is on track as well as my exercise. Things are becoming habit and I am feeling amazing.
I look at some of the other post-ops at OH ... the ones who have lost 150 lbs... 160 lbs... and I wonder if I can really do that. I'm only 5 ft. 1 in. and could totally be fine at 120 lbs. I really wish I could get there, but then I hear people voices in my head, "You'll always be pudgy." "You're going to look weird when you're skinny." "You'll never be as small as me."Yes, people have actually said those things to me in the last month. I had a another person tell me, "Well I better start losing weight b/c you can't be skinnier than me!"I mean seriously. What is wrong with people?? At any rate, now I'm wondering if I can actually reach 130, let alone 120. Maybe I'll end up at 150? I just don't know and right now all of those numbers seem out of reach. I look at some of those people though who go from 235 lbs to 110 in 9 months. It is amazing to me. I don't know how they do it. Here I sit though, and I have the same tool as them and yet I wonder if it will work for me. Will I be the one who the surgery doesn't work for? Will my body fight me for every pound? I just don't know. Once again I'm facing the unknown. Next my mind wonders to how I'll look. Will I have a ton of extra skin? I really do not want to face another surgery. I can't imagine the pain of a tummy tuck. The scars I've seen of people who have had them are terrible too. I just dont' think I could do that. But I guess that is the voice of a person who is still in recovery from surgery number 1. lolOnly time will tell I suppose. This is the journey of a lifetime.
Wow, I've come a long way! :)
I am 10 lbs. from goal, and since buckling down again and getting on a solid eating plan (to lose the last 10 and to control my blood sugar). I feel wonderful and look pretty good (clothed..lol) at this point.
I actually have surprised myself... at how open I've been here. It was easy in the beginning to put myself out there b/c I thought no one was reading, but now, I know they are. In fact, I mentioned that people come up to me in the store/church and say, "I saw your video's!"... " I read your blog!"....
I am really out there.
This isn't a problem for some. But for me? I usually a pretty private person. If I want someone to know something about me, I tell them... but I also keep a lot to myself. I internalize and this blog was a way for me to get some of that out. In the process though, alot of my "inner self talk" is now online for all the world to see.
So the last few days I'll mulled it over. What do I do? I've gone through the surgery. I've healed. I'm almost at the end of the exciting weight loss phase. My blood sugars are ok atm, my weight is going down, and things are basically habit. Food, water, vitamins, exercise.
I love that I have been able to reach out and share and that people hear me and respect me and take my advice. That is so great to me but I wonder do I have anything else to share?
Maintaining is where the struggle is for a lot of people, so maybe someone does want to hear what I have to say as I learn what works and what doesn't.... ???
I've been blogging less b/c I am LIVING. I am enjoying my life and feel free to do so. :)
Since Summer vacation has started, I have spent so much time in the SUN and in a bathing suit :D and running around with my kids. I have ENERGY and I feel confident! Yes, I still need a tummy tuck, but in clothes and even in my bathingsuit you can't tell! I FEEL WONDERFUL! I'm there! This what I did all of this for...
And so now...what about the blog? I don't know yet.... If I have readers I'll keep writing and sharing my story. :)
Thank you all who have read and supported me during my journey! I have made some wonderful, dear friends during this journey and for that I am so grateful!
- Breakfast --- must be protein only... ex. omelet w/ cheese and a bit of veggies
- Lunch --- more protein... very little carbs ... ex. meat and a small green salad or veggie
- Dinner ---more protein... add complex carbs...ex. meat and a veggie and brown rice or whole grain pasta
- The goal is to get my blood sugars to be between 70-100 when I wake up in the morning and before I go to bed. (aka: fasting blood sugar)
- 2 hours after a meal my blood sugar should be 140. If not I must eat a small of protein at that point and test again in 2 hrs.
Since DJ has a glucose meter it makes it easy for me to test. Peter (the NUT) wants me to test upon waking up, then 2 hrs after eating (and keep a food journal) for a week, then report back to him.
Something interesting he mentioned is that I've had this problem for a long time and just didn't know it. He said that over time our bodies try to adapt, and that my blood sugars have probably been getting lower and lower all the time, but I hadn't "felt it" until now, b/c I'm in the danger zone... (he mentioned black outs and seizures...) He said essentially my body is killing itself. :( When he said that I shuddered. My own body? Killing itself? Yikes. Who wants to hear that?
It scared me straight. I will have test strips by Monday. I wish DJ hadn't have run out. Perfect timing, eh? He swear he has another box of them somewhere, but I've searched and can't find them. I am sure I can make it over the weekend following this lower carb woe and then will start tracking and testing on Monday.
I felt a slight low yesterday, but ate some lunch meat and felt fine about 30 mins later. I work tonight so if I have any issues at work, I'll have the nurse test me there.
Have a great weekend everyone! :)
I have an appt. w/ my PCP on Tuesday.
I have an appt. w/ my NUT next week.
My surgeon's nurse told me to follow a low carb diet and if I get a low drink some milk. She said though if I follow the LC diet I should be fine.
Through reading I am finding that I need to give up the caffiene and artifical sweetners as well.
Health is supposed to be my #1 priority here so I just need to do this. I know I do not like the feeling of low blood sugar so I'm willing to do it.
The only fear I have though is that I know that following a LC diet will make me drop weight, which is fine til I get around 130 lbs. But what do I do then? I can't have low blood sugar, but at some point I need to stop losing weight too.
I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
I'm calling my PCP and my surgeon in the a.m. and will let you guys know what they say asap. I do work tomorrow so look for an update in the afternoon.
I am doing a lot of vlogs lately on youtube, so if you don't see an update here, check over there! The link is to the right! :)
The girls only have 1 more week of school left and then it's Summer Vacay! :) I'm cutting back on work hours for the next few weeks too. We've got some fun family stuff coming up, including a trip to Cedar Point! Yay!!! No fear of not fitting this year! ;)