Another episode

I had another episode at work today about 45 mins after eating Chili and a granola bar for lunch. The nurse grabbed me and checked my blood sugar.

It was 39.

I drank OJ and got it back up. This is not good.


Ut Oh!

I was in the backyard, sitting on DJ's car and suddenly everything started spinning... the whole went black and I said, "I think I'm passing out."

I tried to stand up.

The next thing I know... DJ was lowering me to the ground.

I don't know what's going on but I think I have blood sugar issues.

Scary. :(


Memorial Day--One Year Later!

Here are two pictures. One from Memorial Day 2007. I weighed 247 lbs. and was about 6 weeks post op. The second was snapped this morning at about 142 lbs. :)


Ladies and Gentlemen...

Weight: 139.2 lbs.

I've lost 138 lbs.

Do we realize that means I've lost one of my current self?

I'm going to go process that now and make a video. :)



New videos!

I posted new videos on youtube!

Check them out

I'm working on freedom over there or you can click the link on the right! :)

Happy watching! :)


I've had so many people ask about what I eat so I started posting menus, but I don't like my whole blog being food lists, so I'm making a seperate blog for my food. I will post the link at the top and to the right so if you guys want to know, you can look there! :)

Tummy tuck

The reality is setting in that I have two choices.

Get used to my new lovely hangy skin thingy...OR...Chop it off. Sigh. Neither option sounds very good to me right now.

Option 1: Get used to it.
I don't know if I can. The more I lose the worse it gets. It's flat and saggy and wierd. I have to tuck it into my panties and into my pants. It is in the way. It disgusts me and makes me feel nasty and fat. As time passes maybe I'll be ok w/ it, but I doubt it. When I sit down, it sort of sits on my lap. It isn't terrible, but it's there. Blah. Can I get used to it?

Option 2: Tummy Tuck
Pain. Money. Recovery time... did I mention money? Double sigh. I would love to get this done, but I'm afraid of surgery and I don't think I could swing the price of it anyway, espeically considering that insurance would probably deny me, b/c my panni is "not that bad".

Don't even get me started on the pancake breasts.


Oh my!

If anything this week should show you that eating right and moving and following the RULES will get you somewhere! I do believe the bounce/stall/plateau is over!!

I saw 140 on the scale this a.m!!!

4 lbs. to a normal BMI.

10 lbs. to goal.

I might actually do this! :)


I'll admit it

The scale totally determines my mood and how I feel, how I eat, and basically if I am in a good mood or not. This morning I am 142 and I'm so thankful and actually feel thin again. The bloat is gone so I know that is reason too, but good grief I wish I wasn't such a scale addict.
We all have our vices though... so I guess that is mine.
150 on the scale really scared me. I mean seriously, freaked me out. Suddenly I was convinced that I would regain all 136 lbs. I'd lost plus some, just like I have every other time I lost weight. I have to convince myself that I have control of this! That I know what I'm doing and am doing it.

Arg. Yeah, as I've said, year 2 is already harder than year 1. Blah.

I'm off work again today, plan on running some errands and paying bills, laundry and some spot cleaning and that's about it!


Old Jeans....

The water weight is out the door...

After one good day of eating, the scale was 146 lbs. this a.m. and was 145 when I got home from work this afternoon. Yeah? So I weighed twice today... big deal. :)

B: turkey bacon, coffee
L: string cheese, sf jello, more turkey bacon, soy crisps
snk: iced coffee, laughing cow cheese, sf cookie
protein shake
D: cheeseburger salad
snk: sf jello


b/c I told Beth I would...

Chocolate Hazelnut Protein Shake
Raspberry Hot Tea
Hazelnut Coffee w/ half and half
Atkins Caramel Latte Shake...

I was attempting to do full liquids today... but alas,

1/2 c lettuce
0 carb/cal. Ranch Walden Farms dressing
1/2 can tuna (3 oz.)
1 laughing cow cheese wedge
sf jello

4 oz. cottage cheese
sf popsicle

4 oz. turkey burger
cauliflower w/ cheese sauce

snk: EAS shake if needed

Is it any wonder...

young girls in America think they are fat?

When I was in 2nd grade I remember deciding that I was chubby. I always had a round face and a round tummy...but fat? No! It didn't help that I had a mother and a grandmother who were constantly breathing down my neck about what I ate b/c I "wasn't fat yet, but I needed to be aware"....Please.
Their constant watching, comments and own issues w/ food made me feel less than. I was already feeling bloated and their "helpful" comments certainly were anything but.
In 4th grade I remember my favorite pair of jeans. A stonewash finish w/ zippers up the legs in the back and a denim bow that landed mid calf on both sides. They were a size womens. I was chubby.
I was a 4th grader, asked to be in the High School production of Annie that year. It required late night practices 3 nights a week and during that time I lost 10 lbs. I remember it being the biggest deal and everyone was so proud of me for "slimming down". Hello? I was 10!
Of course, as soon as the play was over, it was back to eat regularly for me and of course the pounds came back. I still remember my 4th grade school picture being one of my mother's favorites b/c I looked so "slim".
And so the bad body image and dieting begin. Up and down on the scale. I hated my body and the hatred only grew with time.

And now I see things on TV like America's Next Top Model and where a girl who is a size 10 is considered "plus sized". Are you kidding me?

No wonder my 6 year old says things like, "I won't have another cookie Mom, b/c I don't want to be fat." And I look at Hannah and see me. It scares me.

Part of my mom's problem was that, though she was not overweight, she had issues w/ food, and the only reason she was slim was b/c she was obsessed w/ diet and starved herself thin. Now as an adult I know she struggled/s w/ binge eating and restriction and she is not healthy when it comes to eating and her relationship w/ food. She pushed that off on me. She taught me her issues. Because she felt, "not good enough"... I felt "not good enough".

Here I am the mother of two girls. Girls who are beautiful and strong and independant and I want to preserve that. I don't want them to be beat down by the worlds standards of beauty. I can't stand by and watch them hate their bodies like I have hated mine, my entire life.

I feel like I am fighting a losing battle though. I have issues. I still hate my body some days. And the media, magazines, movies, aren't helping. I looked at some blogs and message boards for ANTM and about Whitney winning the contest and I was appauld at some of the responses. There are people calling her horrible names and saying she doesn't deserve to win....

It breaks my heart. The average woman is not a size 2! While the fashion industry and the media present these woman as normal, it is our preteen and teenage daughters that suffer. We know a size 2 isn't the norm, but do my daughters??

Is it any wonder these girls are so hard on themselves? All I can do is teach my own girls that they are beautiful no matter what and to love their bodies and treat them w/ respect. Feed them good, healthy food and plenty of water. Get rest and exercise and be HEALTHY! That is all I can do.


AJ said...
Ok, my question is how much did you weigh when youstarted how tall are you and how bad, if at all, is your skin sagging and where?

I was 277 in the beginning.
I am 5 ft. 2 inches tall.
I have some gross saggy belly skin. Maybe I'll show ya'll sometime..

Maybe not. :) lol

Kristi said...
How was the first few months for you? Did your hormones affect you a lot?

If you read the beginning of my blog it shows what a horrible time I had emotionally. Honestly the pain of the surgery was nothing at all, compared to what I went through mentally. It was odd. I had myself convinced I was going to die and that I had done a horrible thing to a perfectly healthy (besides MO and sleep apnea) body... It was an odd thing.
Now I think I had an adverse reaction to the anesthetic that was used. I read about how it can alter people's emotions and something certainly did mine. It was weird too b/c I had researched so much pre op and knew exactly what I was doing, but when I did it and woke up, I felt like I had a made a mistake or "ruined" my body.
Of course, now I am thankful I did it and don't regret it at all.
My hormones do effect me a lot. In fact, right now I am PMSing so bad, I could break something (or someone... *snort* LOL) I have to be careful b/c I am an emotional person and will make decisions based on feeling.
During the last year I have had several, raw emotional moments that were real true issues that had to be dealt with. Other times, my hormones were out of whack and I was tlaking crazy. LOL
I will admit it!
Honestly, I think during this journey, you are going to have ups and downs and as a woman hormones are going to effect it, so if you are aware and can prepare for it, then that will help you!

Anonymous said...
I feel like such a weakling for every letting myself get so fat that I need WLS. Did you feel like this too? People tell me to just stop eating.

I felt this way in the beginning. I was very depressed and disappointed in myself for gaining what I had. Especially considering that in 2005, I weighed 180 lbs. after losing 60 lbs. on Atkins. I felt like I was copping out at first by having WLS. I felt like maybe if I tried harder I could lose the weight and keep it off.
I had seen a surgeon in 2004 when I first considered WLS. I was 240 lbs. at the time and he told me that if I didn't have surgery I'd just keep gaining. That I would be 300+ lbs. After losing and gaining over and over... and each time getting bigger and bigger I knew he was right. So, by 2006 I was ready to just do it.
It's more than just eating less. There are ISSUES that have to be dealt with if you are going to beat this.
RNY isn't a magic fix but it gave me time to deal with why I overate and why I could lose weight but not keep it off. It gave me a chance to be successful. It surely isn't the easy way out. It's more than just "eating less". If we could just eat less then we wouldn't be MO in the first place!!
I finally realized that I was making the best decision for ME and I was saving MY life and that I would be successful.
Don't let yourself feel badly anymore. You are making steps in the right direction to be a better, healthier person!! The past is the past and now you are making your future!

Q & A

Did you have a problem with emotional eating? This sounds like a stupid question, but what did you do other than eat in the beginning after surgery? Did you sit down at meals? Did you find it hard or was there zero hunger?I'm 300+ and considering RNY. I am terrified I will eat 'thru it'. What changes have you learned to make sure you keep it off. You look awesome, btw.

This question was from an annonymous poster.
I did and DO have a problem with emotional eating. I eat when I'm happy, sad, tired, jittery, lazy, busy, bored, ALL THE TIME! Food has been my crutch and bff for years! lol When I was first post op, I was able to focus all of my attention on my progress and watching the scale and that made it so much easier. Plus, I was into making protein shakes, and so that took some of my attention too. I was also SCARED TO DEATH to break any rules, for fear that I would die from rupturing my pouch or something, that I followed every rule to a tee. You can hear it in my early blogs... the fear!
In the beginning I did sit down at meals, but just ate slowly and most times, was still working on it when everyone else was done, even though I only had like 1/4 c of food. I was scared of being sick or hurting myself so I made sure to take the alloted 30 mins for meals.
In the beginning there was zero physical hunger, but I did feel head hunger. There was always this empty feelings I had gotten in my chest/abdomen that I thought was hunger. And I fed that feeling. Post op I realized that there was no way that was what that was. It was something emotional/mental and I would need to deal with it so as to conquer the food demon once and for all.
I am afraid of eating through this surgery too. As you can see on my last post I had a gain this month. But as I said, I am waking up NOW, not after I gain 30 lbs. back. I must get back to basics. I must remind myself that I must keep my emotions out of the kitchen and deal w/ issues instead of trying to numb with food. The first year is easy as far as restriction and such. Now that I am near goal, and can physically eat more, I see the next battle is going to be keeping it off and staying in control!
Keep me posted on your surgery date and results!!

So there we have it folks...

My first monthly weigh in GAIN.

The overall picture? I am still down 2 lbs. from 2 months ago, BUT... I think my grazing is catching up to me.

Confession? I've been a carb addict. I've been grazing. I've been standing in the kitchen "taste testing" anything and everything I can find. Then when I go overboard, I go lay down, let it pass, then will actually find myself in the fridge again! Blah!!

What is wrong here??

I think I know.

#1: Skipping meals...
I've been skipping meals. Or eating very little all day long, then at dinner I am starving and want to eat from 6 p.m. til I pass out from carb overload at 11 p.m.

No skimping all day on food!

#2: Not enough water...
Enough said.

Set goal of 64 oz. and DRINK IT!

#3: Eating past the point of saity.
I have pushed past the point of "full" too much lately.

Measure portions and stop when it's gone.

#4: Not enough exercise.
I have counted working and house stuff as exercise for too long.

Get dvd's out, go outside and walk, move MORE!

#5: Carb Lover.
I love carbs. I love crunchy, salty, doughy, sweet, etc.

Break carb addiction and get back to basics.

I am learning that just because I've lost 130ish lbs...the battle to keep it off will be just real as the battle to get it off in the first place! My love/hate relationship with food will never go away, but I am so thankful that I am in a better place to fight.

Right now I have 17 ish lbs. to lose (thank you regain... grr)... but 17 lbs is so much easier and more doable than having 147 lbs. to lose!

I will finish this. You can bank on that.


Answering Questions! :)

I'm working on answers tonight and will finish in the a.m. since I finally have a day off!! :)

Keep 'em coming!


What do you wanna know?

Ask me anything! I will answer any questions either with a blog or with a video! :)



I'm on YOUTUBE now!

I started posting some videos on youtube! :)
Come check it out and subscribe!!




I got a call from my bio dad's girlfriend, at about 9 p.m. Thursday night. I missed the call and so I got the voicemail she left yesterday morning.

My bio dad and I don't have much of a relationship, outside of Christmas (about 50% of the time) and a brief phone call here and there. In fact, I didn't even know who he was until I was 21 yrs old, married and had a child of my own. My mom and he had a short realtionship and she had left him when she found out he was still married (although seperated from his wife and 2 kids). A few weeks after she left, she found out she was pregnant. He had already taken off to Tennessee to pursue a career as a country music singer and didn't return to Ohio until over a year later. By that time, rumors were flying around our small town, that I was his. He sure took his good ole time trying to figure it out too. When I was about 18 months old, and mom had already gotten married to someone else, and was pregnant w/ my brother, he finally showed up and was quickly told to take a hike. "Graciously" he did. He had more important things to do in life than worry about me I suppose. After all, he already had two other kids he was leavign behind, so I am not surprised.

I grew up in a decent home. My mom was a great mother, and my dad (LC-actually step, but I don't use that term) raised me as his own. I have had some issues, but overall, I can say my childhood was good for the most part. LC did the best he could. He has some undiagnosed mental issues and so I understand now as an adult that that crippled him at times. He could be the most loving, caring person, then suddenly flip flop into this dark, depressed person who wouldn't leave his bed for weeks on end.

At any rate, back to J my bio dad. So, our relationship is a weird one. Since I met him in 2001 things have been touch and go. I don't go out of my way to contact him, and he doesn't me either. We talk probably 4 times a year, and see each other maybe 1 time. We live 5 miles away from one another. He is always busy w/ his latest music project though, and his newest girlfriends are getting closer and closer to my age w/ each new one, and just overall involved in his own life.

There is a point to this blog though I promise!

So, I get the phone call that he has been life flighted. This man is overweight, smokes, has diabetes, congestive heart failure, has had 2 heart attacks, and several heart procedures, sleep apnea... He is far from a picture of health.

As his new girlfriend filled me in on the details of what the doctors were saying/doing now, I couldn't help but think about how unlucky I am in regards to family health history... but how blessed I am to have gotten my weight under control now before it was too late.

I look like this man, and no doubt I have inherited his side of the families genes,as no one on my mom's side has weight issues. Everyone on his side is obese, w/ multiple health problems.

For the last few weeks, I have had my focus on outward appearances. Am I thin enough? Do I look fat still? Am I ok?? There is a little lady at the nursing home who constantly asks, "Am I ok?" and we constantly reassure that yes, she is ok. I was her!

Am I ok?

Yes. I am. Of course we all want to look good, but I am seeing bigger victories here now.

I won't be laying in a hosptial bed at 50 something already having had 2 heart surgeries, cancer, lung issues, heart issues, diabetes, sleep apnea, etc. like my father. I have taken control of my health at 29 and I am so thankful for it.

It isn't just about being thin. It is about health and I see it now more than ever. What my dad is going through right now, WAS my future. I've changed it. I've chosen to be HEALTHY and if I'm thin too, then that is fine, but that can't be 1st and foremost.

I did this for health and I see it paying off already.


A great day...

It's been a wonderful day and now I'm going to snuggle w/ my family and watch movies all night. :)


My progress video!


I'm here. I'm happy. I'm eating right. I'm moving.

All is well in my little world. :)



A new low! :)

I'm eating right, moving my butt and it's paying off. Thank goodness.

I'm sort of bordering on bad (irratated) moodwise b/c of money/bills/prices/gas stuff. I am good at ignoring a lot and since DJ make more money combined than most people we know (including both sets of parents, and all of our siblings), I haven't really worried a lot about finances. Things can be tight from time to time, but we have both been blessed w/ high paying jobs, low living expenses, and make it by quite well.

My biggest headache though is a $450 car payment, and $3.79 per gallon gas prices... I drive an Expedition that gets 15 mpg, that I do not have the option of getting rid of. I drive probably 30 miles to work.


Our utilities are climbing, food prices are rediculous and gas... ugh. It is overwhelming at times. We work so hard to get things and I'm honestly afraid of where all of this is heading.

So anyway, that is where my head is today. I'm not sure why it is hitting me this week. Maybe it's all the talk about the rice and flour shortage, and how bread and meat prices are going up now. Who knows. I am seriously considering planting a small garden.


It's amazing...

what eating right can do...

My entire mood is improved.


Getting better....

I am forcing myself to push out negative thoughts.

Mom and I had a good conversation last night. I spilled my guts to her and she whole heartly admitted that she understand and had been there herself. She has always been thin, but finally admitted that she didn't do it in a healthy way. She didn't have an eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia, but she lived w/ these negative thoughts and always felt fat. She would not eat, then eat too much, repeat.
The biggest thing that came out of our conversation was me realizing that I am full of fear!
Her side of the family is all about appearances. They are the "beautiful people". Seriously. They are all thin, and gorgeous. Every eyar at holidays they would sit around and complain about the 5 lbs they had gained and critique each other. Behind one another backs they try to decide if someone has gained or lost weight. It is unreal.
This is what I grew up around. (No wonder I have issues!)
I couldn't compete w/ them. I was always the chubby one. The one who they told they their daughters, "Don't get seconds.. do you wanna be as fat as Amber?" I decided I wouldn't be them. I would eat what I wanted, when I wanted and be happy with me. And I was. Until it got out of control.
A few years ago a family friend had RNY, and now at every function (baby shower, wedding, etc.) they (my mom, gram and my mom's sisters) sit and discuss if she's gained weight, what she's eating, and if her clothes have gotten tighter.

So, now here I am. I am "almost" at goal. But I am scared to death to relax or even accept that I'm ok.

It started a few weeks ago. It was when I was having those tummy troubles and getting so bloated. My brother called me and asked if I was ok and said, "I noticed your stomach was big at Abbys' bday party and almost asked you if you were pregnant again."


So I look pregnant and I know that behind my back everyone is going to be talkinga bout if I'm bigger or smaller, etc.

Now, to my face, my gram keeps telling me I"m too thin and not to lose anymore, but you better believe if I put 5 lbs back on, she'd notice it.


Am I in prision again?? It feels that way.

I need to break out and not care what they think!!!

Why was it so easy to do when I was 277 lbs, but I can't get these thoughts and fears out of my head at 144 lbs.???

Am I afraid that after all this work I still won't be accepted? Why does that matter anyway?

I am trying to work through this. When I have a thought about how terrible I look, I'm pushing it out. I'm looking at my before pictures. I'm forcing myself to be reasonable and live in reality.

Right now I'm 144 lbs.
Right now I'm in a size 6 or 8.
Right now I'm OK.

I'm OK!
I am, right now.

And, right now is all that matters.
For me right now, less words are more.
The plan:
b: Coffee, and LC Bacon Cheeseburger Quiche
l: more quiche probably
d: chicken teriyaki stir fry (no rice)

Bacon Cheeseburger Quiche Recipe
2 lbs. 96/4 lean ground beef or ground turkey
14 slices turkey bacon
1 onion
2 c lf cheese
1 c milk (I use carb countdown)

Brown meat and onion and add alittle garlic powder. Cook turkey bacon and crumble.
In a 9x13 baking dish combine meat, bacon, onion, cheese and milk. Bake at 375 degrees for 25 mins.

Serve w/ lc ketchup.

This recipe is very good, filling and super low carb and high in protein.


The Blog I Didn't Want To Write


How do I say it? Where do I start? I've vowed to be honest and open here and I have been, but right now, I'm scared. I'm scared to say what I feel. I'm afraid no one will hear, that no one will understand.
I don't claim to be rational, but I don't want my feelings/thoughts/emotions that are real to me, to be discarded by someone's eye roll and click of the mouse.

I'm struggling.


I'm not gaining weight. I'm not. Every evening I weigh 146. Every morning, I weigh 143. Every. day. Day. After. Day.....


The scale has been pretty much set in the same place for several weeks now. I can *sort of* deal with that. What I can't deal with is the fact that my BMI is 26 and that makes me overweight. I can't deal with the fact, that on the weight charts, I still have 7ish lbs. to lose to be "normal".

Did I come this far, and do all of this to still be "overweight"? Now, before you comment me and say, forget the weight charts, and all that jazz, let me first say, I am 5 ft. 2 in. on a good day. In fact, I think I'm more like 5 ft. 1.75 in. Sadly, that probably makes me even fatter on their stupid charts.

I'm afraid b/c the scale is the same and my clothes are fitting the same but...

I look in the mirror and every day I look bigger to me.
I ask DJ if I'm getting bigger and he just rolls his eyes, but I swear to myself that he's lying.
My stomach looks like I'm 6 months pregnant to me.
I feel like I have a double chin again.
I feel like my stomach is HUGE again.
I look at myself naked in the mirror and sob.

What is happening to me? Am I going crazy?

No, it's not PMS either. I'm not due for another 2 weeks.

This is real. This is happening.

I can tell myself that I am thin. I can look at pictures and sort of see it...

But when I walk in a room, I still feel like I am 277 lbs. WHen I saw R at our post op appt, I felt like a big slob sitting next to her. I swore I was twice her size. I literally tried to cover my stomach w/ my purse and kept my arms crossed to hide my fat. When I saw the pics, I couldn't believe we were the same size.

Someone help me please. I honestly feel like I'm losing it.

The worst part is, this stress and anxiety is making me want to eat more. I wish it would make me not want to eat at all....

Am I going crazy? Am I normal?

I wish someone could tell me... what is happening and how to make it stop.

To top it off, a woman called me a fat ass at work today too. Of course, she is a resident w/ dementia but still.... bad timing.



the menu. So... I was trying to keep my carbs super low today, but I am finding that I can't. Today is day 3 of doing Atkins induction, and honestly the high fat is too much for my system. So... I am going to up my carbs a bit, and lower my fat and hopefully this will still keep the scale moving, but also allow me to stay off the toilet. (TMI) My pouchy poo doesn't like too much fat!

I'll give an updated version of my menu from today later. I'm perfectly on plan though and besides the tummy issues from too much fat, I'm doing fabulously. 130 here I come!

13 lbs.

13 lbs. That's all that is left.

When I was pre-op 13 lbs seemed like nothing, when I had 147 lbs to go. Now, these last 13 lbs. might as well be 50 lbs. I am just so blah.

I'm day 3 on really trying hard to not eat junk, count my carbs and log everything I put in my mouth. It's going ok. The scale was at 143 lbs. this morning. I think I'll stay off til Monday's weigh in. Maybe if I stick to it, I'll get a nice surprise.

I'm off work again today thank goodness. I have laundry, cleaning, etc. to do. I'm glad to finally have a chance to have a rest day. I've been running nonstop all week, and I work tomorrow morning.

So, here's the plan today:

b: 1/3 EAS protein bar, 5 little cheese cubes, coffee w/ splenda and carb countdown milk
l: crackslaw
snk: EAS shake
d: chicken breast, green beans
snk: sf jello if needed
calories: 733
fat: 29g
carbs: 30g
fiber: 9g
protein: 82g