Who knew?

Who knew it would be this hard to find a job!? Omg. Seriously. Everyday I call the places I have applications in and get the same responses. No one is hiring. :( I want to work. I need to work. So frustrating. I spent money on a class and now can't find a job. Ugh.

So another day of being in the house. Gabe is still full of snot today and his poor little eyes are so gunky and red. :( Poor baby. It's so cold too. Close to zero and snow is on it's way. Have I mentioned how much I hate winter??

I did ok on my goals for yesterday. The girls rooms are clean and all the old clothes are put away. I scrubbed the bathrooms, kept the laundry going all day (and believe it or not, there are still several loads to be washed... iy yi yi), cooked dinner, etc. It was a pretty productive day all in all.

Oh yeah! I even EXERCISED!!! 22 mins. of cardio blast and today I feel it. My thighs are burning. Coming downstairs this morning, I actually contemplated sitting down on the steps and going down on my butt b/c my thighs are burning that bad. It is a good thing, but I wish it was my abs that were burning. Guess I'll work on those today. That is the problem area you know.

As opposed to PS as I have been, (Pain! Ow!) the closer I get to goal, the worse my stomach looks. It's really disgusting. Espeically when I'm down on all fours. It just hangs. *shudders* I don't think I can live with that for the rest of my life. It's just gross. And to come this far and leave that... I dunno. Of course, there are a lot of other factors... money being the main one. PS is expensive. So we shall see. I'm going to give exercise a good chance to maybe do some good. I'm not very hopeful after everything I've read about stretched out skin... So we shall see. I won't do anything until I'm at goal and have settled in on a good weight for at least a year. Just to see how everything finally ends up. Of course, if I do the tummy I'll need boobs too. :)

The kids are back in school today so I plan on keeping the house picked up and finishing that mountain of laundry. No big plans really at all.


Same stuff, different day

Kids = still sick
Me = still bloated and hungry and bored and stuck in the house

School was cancelled today b/c of the frigid wind chill temps.

The plan?

Not to eat all day long.
Clean out the kids closets.
No smoking.

Let's see how I do.


I'm on house arrest...

or so it feels.
DJ has been driving the Expedition to work everyday b/c his car is out of commission until Thursday. WHen he worked nights it didn't matter much b/c I was sleeping while he gone. Now that he is on days, I feel like a prisioner. I can't go anywhere and it is getting old quick. The first few days weren't bad... I caught up on neglected housework, played online, watched movies, taken naps, painted my nails, gone through old clothes... now I'm starting to go crazy.

TOM is still hanging around and making me bloated and hungry. Grrr. The scale was 153 today. Blah. Don't care much though until TOM is gone and I'm back to normal. The things we women must endure. ;)

I've made a list for my weekly trip to Walmart... (Can we all tell that I'm settling back into the Stay-at-home-mom Mode? It's 1:30 p.m. and I'm in PJ's and have my hair twisted up and secured w/ a pen. Sexy.) Anyway, back to the list... Citracal Creamy Bites... I've been missing my calcium b/c of the whole...don't take it w/ a multi and iron stuff...and b/c I forget early in the day. So... Citracal Creamy Bites. Yum.

EAS shakes. Strawberry Creme. Love those. What else? Oh! Protein bars, cottage cheese and yogurt. Kashi Go Lean Cereal and some Lean Pockets. I'll be good to go! :)

I think I'm hungry right now. Ha ha!!!

Rambling... I'm sure I've lost ya'll by now. So I guess I'll go.



My first official weigh in day gain....

My appetite has come back this week with a venegence.TOM is here and my new meds make me feel like I'm starving. Stupid stuff. Right now I'm fighting it, b/c I saw 154 on the scale. Totally in the wrong direction!
It's my own fault though because I've eaten pizza and chimichanga's and peanut butter m&m's...ugh.
Exercise must start as well.
If I'm ever going to get to my goal, I've gotta work my tool!


Thanks Sharon!

The Recipe For Amber

3 parts Recklessness
2 parts Beauty
1 part Flair

Splash of Passion

Finish off with a little umbrella and straw


The sick bug has hit again. This time it's head colds all around. Ick!

Hannah had it last week, next was Gabe and Abby, I started the funk yesterday and this morning DJ woke up conjested. OMG. It never ends! This is why I'd love to move somewhere WARM and TROPICAL. :) Although, I have been known to catch a cold in the middle of July...but anyway I digress.

We are obviously stuck in the house today, but that's ok. It's cold and blowing snow outdoors anyway. Brr!

After passing my final exam in my STNA class on Thursday, I've been more determined to find a job. I'm missing my tips. I didn't realize how accustomed I had become to having money in my pocket daily. I do I dare say I regret quitting the restaurant so soon? I don't know if I'd go that far. Friday I went to pick up my last check and felt very uncomfortable. Everyone was nice to my face, but I dunno... I felt odd. It could just be me, but at any rate, not having those daily tips in my pocket does sucketh! ;)

So, the goal this week is to find employment as a nurse aide! :) There is a place that is in the same town as where DJ works that pays really well and I'd love to get in there so I will be going Monday to put my resume in. My friend Carrie got a job at a place in about 15 mins away and is going to take me with her Monday to see if I can get in there too. It's good money too. More than the local places want to pay. Several dollars more per hour in fact.

My next step, once I find a new job is to look into nursing programs. I am just going to have to bite the bullet and start somewhere if I'm going to get my RN degree. I do want it. Bad. I plan on callign the local college on Monday as well, to see where I need to start. I have some pre-requ. classes done already... About a years worth I'd guess. Now let's pray they transfer!

I've been thinking a lot about how my weight was a prision. Fat walls all around me and now I feel naked and exposed. No more crutches. No more excuses. I can't hide anymore. I'm open and vulnerable and yet I'm finding such motivation to do the things I want to do. It is enabling me to push myself and to believe I can do it. Is fat really that powerful?

When I look back in my blog, I really believed that I was me at that weight. I didn't see what a prision I lived in. I even said, "I'm not a member of the fat girls club"... I don't use my weight as an excuse.... BUT I DID!!! It did stop me. It did hinder my life and my goals.

At 277 lbs. I would've never took the STNA class. Heck, I'd have never gotten the job at the restaruant! I'd still be sitting in this house, eating my way to an early death with no motivation to do anything else.

It is sad that I was so blinded by food and its temporary numbing effect. I wasted years of my life in that prision. Thank God I'm getting free!


Another yay me moment....

So I know this blog is sort of turning into me patting myself on the back a lot but you know, I am pretty darn proud of myself lately. :)
I got a 92 on my final exam! Woot! And ended up w/ a 96% in the class overall. Go me. I'm totally doing a happy dance and shaking my *thinner* booty! :D
So, last night I stopped off to pick up some jeans to get me through the next few weeks. I settled on a pair of Levi's... SIZE 8!!! Yes, folks, that is not a typo. I'm in a misses size 8.
I had gone to the mall last week, and was in a 9/10 in juniors (ie, American Eagle, and Aeropostale)...which felt pretty good, but I wasn't about to shell out $40 for a pair of jeans I'd be able to wear for 3 weeks tops.
Settling on a pair of size 8 Levis for $20 seems like a much better deal all around.
You know, I never saw myself getting into these sizes. Ever. I figured if I got to 180 and a size 14/16 I'd be thrilled. And now here I am, looking at sizes I haven't worn since... well never.
I remember in 4th grade wearing a pair of pants that were a size 7. Looking back, they had to be womans size 7, I'm sure of it. 4th grade. I remember weighing 140 lbs. in 5th grade. I'm there almost now. I'm going to be smaller than I was when I was 10 years old!! How does one wrap their mind around that??? I surely can't. Not yet.
I'm doing things I never thought I'd be able to do. :)


Wish me luck!!!

I am off to take my STNA (nurses aide) final in class this a.m.!! Our state test is Feb. 10 and then I'll be one step closer to my dream of being a nurse.

Yay me! ;)


Weighed in front of the WHOLE class...

Tomorrow is our last day of STNA classes and today one of our lab skills was taking someones weight. No biggie but of course the advisor had to demonstrate how to do it. She asked for volenteers and no one would step up to be weighed. I figured what the heck and jumped on the scale.
OMG. Me. On the scale, in front my entire class. I was fully dressed w/ shoes, and weighed 156. I figured that was about right b/c this a.m. I had been up to 153 when I weighed before hopping in the shower.
At any rate, this is the first time in my ENTIRE life when I didn't care if anyone saw how much I weighed.
Do you guys know how HUGE this is??? I felt FREE. That's what I've been working towards. FREEDOM. Freedom from fat. Freedom from weight issues. Freedom. Sweet glorious freedom.
I tasted it today and it was good.


Quick update...

Thank God the scale moved back down this morning... the 2 I was up yesterday, plus another 1. I'm at 154. :)
Running out the door to class and then work! Have a great day everyone.


9 months out!

I am down 122 lbs. :)
I went to the doctor for a physical today and got my lab results. I was high on B12 and everything else is perfect. :)
My restless leg syndrome is GONE. Sleep apnea: GONE. Migraines: RARE! Backache, knee pain, all gone...Gone....GONE!
My doctor is very impressed with my losses and all the changes that have come with it. :)


Monday: Week 38... I think....

Hmm is it week 38 or 39? Not sure... At any rate, I'm 155 lbs. Yay! I feel great and am doing awesome on my vitamins, food and liquids. Next is adding exercise. Blah! lol
All 3 of my kids have some sort of intestinal flu thing. Ugh. Hate it for them and for me. I will definately be shampooing my carpets today or tomorrow. Ick.
I ended up going to class this morning but called off work for tonight so I can take care of them and DJ can sleep. He started in a new dept last night and is away from the meany man who's been trying to get rid of him. Thank God.
My last day at the restaurant is Friday. I'm thankful for that too. I'm ready to be out of there. I found out today that my state test for STNA is Feb. 10 so I have about a month of not having to work. I plan on enjoying every minute of it. :)
Right now I'm sitting here enjoying a bowl of Wendy's chili. Yum! I plan on scrubbing and disinfecting every inch of this house today as well. I hate when they are sick. It makes me feel like our whole house is contaminated. Thank God I rarely catch what they have. (Knock on wood).
Not much to report really. I bought small/med. scrubs for clinicals. That was a nice feeling. :)
Have a great week everyone!



Well the weekend is here, but I'll be working for all of it. Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night, then next week will be my last week at the restaraunt. I'm praying she doesn't overschedule me, b/c I really don't want to work 2nd shift M-F and not see the girls at all. I have to go get my TB test for my clinicals next weekend, and I have to get in quick for a physical. So much to do. I better call today and get that scheduled.

I didn't weigh today. Getting on the scale isn't as fun anymore since the weight loss is slowing down. I've still averaged about a 10 lbs. loss for the last few months, which is fine with me, but I notice my weigh stays the same for longer periods before I get a little whoosh downward. Maybe someday I'll be able to weigh only once a week and not be the scale addict I have been anymore.

I'm eating and drinking (not together), counting my protein, and taking my vitamins. I feel good.


A day off

So I finally have a day off from class and work. I planned on getting some grocery shopping done, and some lounging and some cleaning... instead I've been taking care of a sick baby. :( Gabe started throwing up last night around midnight and it's continued into this morning. He's finally sleeping now. Poor baby. I really hope it ends with him, though I know realisticly, it usually has to get passed through all of us before it's over. Ugh.

I didn't get on the scale this a.m. It's in the upstairs bathroom, and frankly I was too tired to go up and weigh. I've been a solid 156 for a few days now so I feel good.

I tried watching Big Medicine last night, but I just can't get into those weight loss surgery shows much anymore. I don't know why. Pre-op, I couldn't get enough... now I can take it or leave it. Same with the Biggest Loser. Eh.

I've been doing awesome on my food intake and vitamins the last few days! I'm proud of me. I even made sure to get enough fluids. :) I feel pretty darn good. I've added a protein shake every evening again, just for the extra boost and I plan on starting some exercise soon. I may even drag that aerobics stepper out later today. We'll see. :)

I'm sorry if I gave anyone a mini stroke when I took my page down. I was surprised to hear from so many saying they missed me! :D I feel loved. hehe I thought I was pretty boring, but I guess some of ya'll like boring. :D

At any rate, you guys are stuck with me! The good, the bad, and the ugly!


Today's Menu

b: coffee
l: lean pocket
d: protein of some sort... probably chicken
snk: isopure protein shake

vitamins before bed. :)


Taking a long hard look...

For accountability...for my health....

b: Skinny Venti Vanilla Latte
20 oz. coffee w/ 3 half and halfs and 1 splenda
l: 1 lean pocket, 0.5 c cottage cheese
d: Cheesy Chicken Bake (chicken, mixed veggies and cheese)
snk: Isopure Protein Shake

vitamins: Multi, D, B12, Biotin, Calcium, Iron

I guess a lot of people are worried about me...

and maybe I am worried about myself. Or maybe I'm not, but am thinking I should be. Hmmm, confused? Yeah, me too.
In the last 48 hrs. I've eaten two bites of chicken and just FORCED down 1/2 c of cottage cheese. I've had TONS of coffee, including two venti lattes. I'm starting to scare me. I've lost two more lbs. in two days.
Here is the thing...I hate food. I hate the smell. The hate the way it looks. I hate the way it feels in my mouth. I hate the way it feels in my stomach. I stand in the kitchen with the fridge open and walk away with nothing a million times a day.
When I eat, nothing hurts, I just feel gross.
My solution? For now, I'm going back to protein shakes. I'm going to force myself to drink my protein if I can't eat it. I know this isn't a long term fix. I know this totally mental and it's really scary b/c I can't control it.
Does anyone know what I'm going through??

I'm hearing a lot of voices of concern around me too... telling me I'm getting too skinny and telling me I need to eat and that my face is too thin, etc. It hurts my feelings and I'm not trying to not eat. I just can't.

Ugh. Anyway...

On a good note, I started nurses aide classes yesterday and put my two weeks notice in at the restaurant. :D I am so happy. It's baby steps in the right direction!



Good morning! :)


29 lbs. to go

29 lbs. to reach goal and my BMI was 29 today, which means I'm just overweight now. Yay me!



I spent most of day cleaning and wrestling a 17 month old who refuses to nap. I only WISH someone would let me nap. Ugh. Somehow I've managed to get most of my work done. Working on cooking dinner now, still have laundry going and still have to put away all the clean clothes in my bedroom....oh and mop the kitchen floor. We did however get all the Christmas stuff put away and will take the tree down tomorrow a.m. when DJ is here to drag it out into the front yard.

I was a solid 159 this a.m. :) I'll be glad when my mind catches up to my now smaller body. I still don't "get" it and it annoys me at times. I want to feel good about me!!

I went to the doc this a.m. and he started me on Effex*r for my anxiety and depression. Anyone else partake of this crazy pill? Lemme know. He said, "I don't worry about any side effects for you, but coming off of it is not good, so don't." Alrighty then.

Let's see... what else... Oh DJ may be moving to a new position that is day shift. He has worked midnights for the last 3 yrs and before that did a swing shift for 5 yrs. It will be interesting to have him have a set normal shift like that.

Guess that's it for now... sausage is burning....



Let's hope it's great. :)

Ok. That was lame.

Anyway, 2008 is here. :) I'm praying that it's better than 2007, but honestly, 2007 sucked towards the end. December was possibly one of the worst months of my life. I've decided we can only go up from here. :)

So...last night I worked til 10, and then DJ and my bro Jake, came and picked me up. We brought in the new year at our house with my mom, Jakes gf, my other brother and then our family. It was fine. Everyone left by 12:30 and DJ and I laid on the floor together and watched tv. It was such a special moment. Just he and I, holding each other and kissing softly. Very nice. :)

Around 2, Gabe decided to wake up and play... lol We all finally crashed around 3:30 and I woke up sometime around 10 this a.m. We got dressed and went shopping for a while and ate Chinese. Well they ate chinese. I mostly just drank coffee. The pouch is being pouty these last few days.

I didn't really feel that well today and still don't. Not sure what's going on but I haven't been able to see straight for a few days and have ahd a horrible headache for a week. I don't get too paniced b/c it is close to my cycle and I always get migraines around that time but I think with the holiday and added stress it's kicking my butt extra today.

I came home and crashed for 45 mins. and then got up and cooked supper. Tried to eat, but ended up w/ a cup of hot tea instead.

I was excited to reach a small goal this a.m. I really wanted to be in the 150's by the end of Dec. and this morning I weighed 159.2 :) It feels great. I went to Old Navy today and fit into size 10 pants! Yay!!

My mom said some hurtful things to me today. She and my gram are really harping on me about losing 29 more lbs. They want me to stop where I am. Today she said my face is already looking too thin and gaut. She said if I lose too much more, I "just won't be pretty anymore". Ugh. Thanks.

The thing is, I am not even trying to lose weight. Honestly, I don't exercise and I eat pretty much what I want to. (Although the pouch rejects a lot and after 1 or 2 bites I stop). She thinks I never eat or am starving myself on purpose. I just hate eating. I hate food. I hate the way I feel when I eat. I hate how sick it makes me feel. It's easier just to drink coffee, water, ice tea and propel. :) I do have the occasional protein shake, and at work I eat a lot of mozzerella stix... umm yeah I know bad... deep fried... but it's cheese and cheese is protein!! ;) ) I dunno. I have an appt. with my family doctor tomorrow. It's mostly to get put back on my antidepressant, but I also need my butt kicked b/c I've had zero labs drawn and I missed my 6 month surgeon check up. I spent a lot of last night rubbing my legs too b/c they were crampy.

After typing all that out, I guess the doctor visit has pretty good timing.