Last week sometime I made a vlog stating that this year would be first year that "weight loss" wouldn't be a New Years Resolution for me. So after thinking about my current struggles and trying to stay with a "lifestyle" change, instead of "crash diets" I have spent the last 3 days coming to terms with what I've been doing to myself.
I am not making a New Years Resolution. Nope. Not doing it. I will not set a certain goal of weight loss and I won't say that I'll exercise 6 times a week, b/c long term, I won't. Instead, I'll tell you what I will do, for me, b/c I love me and I am keeping myself healthy.
I WILL make healthy choices. When protein sits before me, and a carb... I will try to, more often than not, eat the protein. :)
I WILL walk on my treadmill.
I WILL chose me.
I WILL love me.
I WILL be me.
:) And if I never see 132 lbs. again, it's ok, b/c I promise you, I will never be morbidly obese again. Ever. And wasn't that the plan in the first place?
Happy 2009!
Before!
12/31/08
12/29/08
Thoughts to other RNYers...
This was a post I "almost" put up on a message board I go to, but I didnt' want to hurt anyones feelings or start drama so I'll just post it here...
...All I am saying to everyone in this thread is that this is a struggle and its hard. Food demons are real and hard to beat. Sometimes at night it's all I can do to not go in the kitchen and graze from 7 p.m.-9 p.m. I literally feel hunger pangs (head hunger manifesting?) and have to almost sit on my hands so I don't go and eat empty pointless calories. But we have to do this. One day, one hour, one moment at a time. One right choice after another. Making good habits.
I'm not saying you can never have a cheeseburger again, but I certainly would hope that it isn't on a normal menu sample as something that you even eat weekly. I remember eating 3 french fries when I was about a year post op and they felt thick in my throat, got stuck and made me ill. Now, at almost 2 years out I can eat a small order. By next year I'll bet I can eat a medium order, which means there will be a day when I could probably eat a value meal w/ fries and a drink again. BUT, if I eat that just b/c I can...I'm going to end up back at 277 lbs. That is how I got there in the first place. So, what is the answer? Not totally relying on restriction b/c that will go away with time, but instead relying on good choices!! Relying on good habits that I formed in the honeymoon stage.
I have a saying on my fridge...it's simple, but has gotten me thru some rough moments..
"I can't eat anything I want to... no one can."
What that means is, surgery or no surgery, people, if health is their goal, cannot eat anything they want to. So, I shouldn't feel deprived or upset. I should realize that I am no different than anyone else that is a healthy person. When I ate whatever my body craved, I paid a high price...weight gain, sore muscles, health problems, a shortened life span....
I hope I don't sound high and mighty in this thread. I don't intend to. Anyone who reads my blog or watches my videos knows my struggles. At the same time, I am further out than a lot of us here, and I have experienced things that you guys haven't yet. I didn't want to believe it during my honeymoon phase either... I didn't want to believe that my new pouch wouldn't always restrict me and keep me in my caloric parameters w/o very much effort on my part... I didn't want to believe that eventually the fat would stop melting off... I didn't want to believe I could actually regain weight so soon. I wanted to close my ears to "protein first, lots of water, and exercise" as being the key long term. In the first year some slight indescresions don't seem to make much difference on the scale. Trust me, after 18 months they show. And they show fast.
24 hours later
I already feel better. One day of clean eating and I lost 3 lbs. (of water and overall puffiness). Ah. Now, one foot in front of the other, I keep going.
We are going to a waterpark/hotel tonight. DJ's work offered them a "getaway" package at a huge discount and so we are heading out in a few hours. I also need to exchange an outfit that I got for Christmas. I got one of those cute fur hoodies from Aero, but it's about 5 inches from zipping in the front. /Sigh. Stupid junior sizing. LOL
I hate that I had to post such a dower post yesterday and now I'm tempted to delete it, but I won't. It's real. I guess I hope people aren't judging me and thinking I'm a failure already. I already feel it in real life. When I walk in a room, I feel everyones eyes on me...gauging if I'm bigger, the same, or smaller than I was when they last saw me. I know people do this. They are all sitting back waiting for me to gain all the weight back like I have every other time. That's not to say that they want me to fail. I actually think they do want me to be successful, BUT I also think they are waiting and watching, to see if this thing is going to work long term.
Anyone that has yo yo dieted knows exactly what I am talking about. I am not going to let that happen. 150 lbs is my barrier. I won't go over that. I just won't. I saw it yesterday, took matters back into my own hands, and bam, I'm down to 147 today. I plan on being back to my "comfort zone" of 138-142 in a few weeks.
Thank God for RNY. Thank God for making this thing manageable. Losing 10 lbs. is so much easier than losing 150 lbs. I will not forfiet this great oppurtunity I've been given. I have my tool. I have the knowledge. I have the determination.
So, people in real life, famiy, friends, blog readers, vlog watchers....watch away. You're going to watch me succeed. :)
We are going to a waterpark/hotel tonight. DJ's work offered them a "getaway" package at a huge discount and so we are heading out in a few hours. I also need to exchange an outfit that I got for Christmas. I got one of those cute fur hoodies from Aero, but it's about 5 inches from zipping in the front. /Sigh. Stupid junior sizing. LOL
I hate that I had to post such a dower post yesterday and now I'm tempted to delete it, but I won't. It's real. I guess I hope people aren't judging me and thinking I'm a failure already. I already feel it in real life. When I walk in a room, I feel everyones eyes on me...gauging if I'm bigger, the same, or smaller than I was when they last saw me. I know people do this. They are all sitting back waiting for me to gain all the weight back like I have every other time. That's not to say that they want me to fail. I actually think they do want me to be successful, BUT I also think they are waiting and watching, to see if this thing is going to work long term.
Anyone that has yo yo dieted knows exactly what I am talking about. I am not going to let that happen. 150 lbs is my barrier. I won't go over that. I just won't. I saw it yesterday, took matters back into my own hands, and bam, I'm down to 147 today. I plan on being back to my "comfort zone" of 138-142 in a few weeks.
Thank God for RNY. Thank God for making this thing manageable. Losing 10 lbs. is so much easier than losing 150 lbs. I will not forfiet this great oppurtunity I've been given. I have my tool. I have the knowledge. I have the determination.
So, people in real life, famiy, friends, blog readers, vlog watchers....watch away. You're going to watch me succeed. :)
12/28/08
Truth
This is a difficult post to write.
We are a few days passed Christmas and I stepped on the scale this a.m. to see the "Christmas Damage".
It was bad.
First, let me get the excuses out of the way. a) I am days away from starting my period. b) I ate a bunch of left over ham yesterday and am probably retaining water.
But, my lowest weight was 132 lbs.
This a.m. I weighed 150.0. Right on the dot. I set 150 as my "barrier". I said if I ever got there I'd take control before it kept climbing. Little did I know I would be there this soon post op. That I would be fighting re-gain at only 21 months post op.
How did this happen? Old habits. I grazed non stop for the entire month of December. I ate Christmas cookies for dinner. I drank with my meals. I did zero exercise. I feel/felt out of control. I would walk in the kitchen and just start shoving things in my mouth like I used to. The exact way I ate before surgery. Of course, the volume was less, the out of control shoveling was the same.
I can't button my jeans. My muffin top has grown. I feel puffy everywhere.
What scared me was the horrible hypoglycemic episode I had the day after Christmas. DJ and I got up and ran out the door to shop and on the way out the door, I grabbed a thermos of coffee and 3 chocolate covered pretzels. By the time we were pulling into the neighboring town about 30 mins later I was shaking, sweating, dizzy and losing my mind. I couldn't speak. My head was spinning and I knew my sugar had dropped. It was the worst episode yet. I couldn't even form words to tell DJ I needed something... He whipped into Wendy's, grabbed a frosty and made me take a few bites. Of course, it brought my sugar up, but it crashed again later in the day. I cannot keep doing this. I didn't have this surgery to eat junk, and pass out in public. I didn't lose all this weight just to gain it back.
When will I realize that I have to keep good habits and stop dabbling in the old ones? I said on a youtube video last week, that this year was the first year that my New Years Resolution wouldn't be weight related. Hmm. I guess I was wrong. BUT, I'm not waiting til the New Year. I started back on track and back to basics this morning. I've got my vitamins all dispensed in my pill box for the day, I had a protein shake for breakfast and plan on getting 70 oz of water in today. Oh, and no diet pop.
I will walk on my treadmill too.
I can do this. I'm taking control back.
I said my blog would be real and that I wouldn't sugar coat. So there you have it. The reality of post op life at almost 2 years out. Not very glamorous is it? But its real. :)
We are a few days passed Christmas and I stepped on the scale this a.m. to see the "Christmas Damage".
It was bad.
First, let me get the excuses out of the way. a) I am days away from starting my period. b) I ate a bunch of left over ham yesterday and am probably retaining water.
But, my lowest weight was 132 lbs.
This a.m. I weighed 150.0. Right on the dot. I set 150 as my "barrier". I said if I ever got there I'd take control before it kept climbing. Little did I know I would be there this soon post op. That I would be fighting re-gain at only 21 months post op.
How did this happen? Old habits. I grazed non stop for the entire month of December. I ate Christmas cookies for dinner. I drank with my meals. I did zero exercise. I feel/felt out of control. I would walk in the kitchen and just start shoving things in my mouth like I used to. The exact way I ate before surgery. Of course, the volume was less, the out of control shoveling was the same.
I can't button my jeans. My muffin top has grown. I feel puffy everywhere.
What scared me was the horrible hypoglycemic episode I had the day after Christmas. DJ and I got up and ran out the door to shop and on the way out the door, I grabbed a thermos of coffee and 3 chocolate covered pretzels. By the time we were pulling into the neighboring town about 30 mins later I was shaking, sweating, dizzy and losing my mind. I couldn't speak. My head was spinning and I knew my sugar had dropped. It was the worst episode yet. I couldn't even form words to tell DJ I needed something... He whipped into Wendy's, grabbed a frosty and made me take a few bites. Of course, it brought my sugar up, but it crashed again later in the day. I cannot keep doing this. I didn't have this surgery to eat junk, and pass out in public. I didn't lose all this weight just to gain it back.
When will I realize that I have to keep good habits and stop dabbling in the old ones? I said on a youtube video last week, that this year was the first year that my New Years Resolution wouldn't be weight related. Hmm. I guess I was wrong. BUT, I'm not waiting til the New Year. I started back on track and back to basics this morning. I've got my vitamins all dispensed in my pill box for the day, I had a protein shake for breakfast and plan on getting 70 oz of water in today. Oh, and no diet pop.
I will walk on my treadmill too.
I can do this. I'm taking control back.
I said my blog would be real and that I wouldn't sugar coat. So there you have it. The reality of post op life at almost 2 years out. Not very glamorous is it? But its real. :)
12/25/08
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
This is a video of me singing at our Christmas Eve service last night. :) My mom is playing the piano for me. She is awesome! :)
I hope everyone is having a wonderful day!
12/22/08
Vegging...
I have NO energy. Zero. I don't know what is wrong with me. I slept yesterday for 3 hours in the afternoon, then slept 10 hrs. last night. I could go back to sleep right now. Eek. I'm sitting here drinking coffee and totally unmotivated and lame. LOL
12/15/08
12/10/08
Kidney Stones...again.
My pee parts have not been "ok" since the last bout w/ the stones. Seriously, something has just not felt right. I actually have gone to the doctor and been tested twice for UTI/bladder infections that all came back normal. I think the stones are just really doing some damage. Yesterday the symptoms started again, but this time I high tailed it to the ER before it got out of hand and let them drug me and fluid me up... I came home dry heaving from the diladad...ugh. I couldn't lift my head off the pillow with out spinning and gettign super nauseated. I was/am miserable. The pain is controlled now though for the most part. I just hope this little bugger passes quickly. I hate you kidney stones. :(
In other news, I so badly want to post pics of my chirstmas tree. It is the most beautiful tree I have ever seen. It is real and perfect. But, alas, my dig camera is broken. :( When I feel better I'm taking it back to Best Buy and cashing in on that waranty. Hopefully, they will give me a new one or fix this one and I'll be back to picture taking by Christmas.
Oh...another sad thing? I've been forbidden to drink milk until this kidney things works itself out. There go my lattes. *cries*
In other news, I so badly want to post pics of my chirstmas tree. It is the most beautiful tree I have ever seen. It is real and perfect. But, alas, my dig camera is broken. :( When I feel better I'm taking it back to Best Buy and cashing in on that waranty. Hopefully, they will give me a new one or fix this one and I'll be back to picture taking by Christmas.
Oh...another sad thing? I've been forbidden to drink milk until this kidney things works itself out. There go my lattes. *cries*
12/4/08
Out with the old...
These kids have too much stuff. Too many clothes, too many toys...just overall too much stuff. It's everywhere. I try to organize but it ends up just piles of toys, books, games, etc. everywhere. There is a small room downstairs. It's really too small to be bedroom, but probably the perfect size to be a "home office space"... There are built in cabinets and a closet. I had it set up as a home office when I worked from home, but since then the computer has been moved out into the diningroom (mostly since the girls use it now and I want to be able to see what they are doing) and the room has become a playroom of sorts. Only, there are so many toys in there, no one can play. There's no room left.
My goal? Move all the toys from that room to the kids bedrooms. This will be a huge task though b/c I need to clean all the old toys and stuff out of their bedrooms in order to make room for this stuff. Their rooms are pretty clean so it shouldn't be hard, but it's just one of those things that is a pain to do. 20,000 trips upstairs....I am not looking forward to this task at all... which is probably why I'm sitting here drinking coffee and blogging instead of getting to work.
I think it also makes me feel a little guilty. I mean here we have ROOMS FULL of toys, games, movies, etc. and we are going out and buying more!? I have bags of more stuff in the basement hidden for Christmas. They will open a gazillion things that day and probably play with somethings one time before moving on to something else and really what about all we have now? Some of these toys I will uncover today they haven't seen or touched for months...and we are buying more?
But really...what's the options? No Christmas? Ack. Sorry kids, you have too much?? Nah, they don't understand that.
So I will clean all this stuff out and they will get a ton more in a few weeks, and that's that I guess.
My goal? Move all the toys from that room to the kids bedrooms. This will be a huge task though b/c I need to clean all the old toys and stuff out of their bedrooms in order to make room for this stuff. Their rooms are pretty clean so it shouldn't be hard, but it's just one of those things that is a pain to do. 20,000 trips upstairs....I am not looking forward to this task at all... which is probably why I'm sitting here drinking coffee and blogging instead of getting to work.
I think it also makes me feel a little guilty. I mean here we have ROOMS FULL of toys, games, movies, etc. and we are going out and buying more!? I have bags of more stuff in the basement hidden for Christmas. They will open a gazillion things that day and probably play with somethings one time before moving on to something else and really what about all we have now? Some of these toys I will uncover today they haven't seen or touched for months...and we are buying more?
But really...what's the options? No Christmas? Ack. Sorry kids, you have too much?? Nah, they don't understand that.
So I will clean all this stuff out and they will get a ton more in a few weeks, and that's that I guess.
12/3/08
A whole lota nothing...
I'm freezing. It's around 17 degrees outside and though the thermostat says 68 in here, I'm shivering!! Ugh. Brr...
I have got to let the scale thing go for a few days and stop obsessing over what I'm eating/weighing. That isn't healthy. I need to LIVE my life and not be so focused on food 24/7.
Today I planned on cleaning out the kids playroom and bedrooms, but DJ drove my car to work and the new totes I bought are in the trunk. Shucks. LOL Guess I'll have to wait til tomorrow! he he
I have that feeling like I want to crawl under a blanket and hide for a few days.
I have got to let the scale thing go for a few days and stop obsessing over what I'm eating/weighing. That isn't healthy. I need to LIVE my life and not be so focused on food 24/7.
Today I planned on cleaning out the kids playroom and bedrooms, but DJ drove my car to work and the new totes I bought are in the trunk. Shucks. LOL Guess I'll have to wait til tomorrow! he he
I have that feeling like I want to crawl under a blanket and hide for a few days.
12/2/08
Ack.
Why is it that it seems like I eat so much more when I'm blogging/tracking it all?? It seems like my mind focuses on food and I wanna just eat constantly. Am I crazy? I don't graze (or maybeI don't notice it) when I'm not tracking. I'm pretty certain I don't do it b/c food isn't the first priority on my mind. Hmm....
The last two days of tracking though have made me crazy and depressed and whale-ish feeling. WTH is up w/ that?? So what is the answer??
I do not want to be one of those 3 year post ops who have gained back 50 lbs...but I can't focus on food like this or I become obsessed and eating like a nervous baboon who has nothing else to do but make a gazillion trips to the fridge a day. Oy.
Surely, I can't be the only post op loon. Right?
Maybe I shouldn't enter it during the day, keeping a running total...Perhaps, if I just entered it all at night for a final "before bed" total??? I don't know.
I could maybe start with just being happy about where I am now and realize that 144 lbs is perfectly good weight for me.
The last two days of tracking though have made me crazy and depressed and whale-ish feeling. WTH is up w/ that?? So what is the answer??
I do not want to be one of those 3 year post ops who have gained back 50 lbs...but I can't focus on food like this or I become obsessed and eating like a nervous baboon who has nothing else to do but make a gazillion trips to the fridge a day. Oy.
Surely, I can't be the only post op loon. Right?
Maybe I shouldn't enter it during the day, keeping a running total...Perhaps, if I just entered it all at night for a final "before bed" total??? I don't know.
I could maybe start with just being happy about where I am now and realize that 144 lbs is perfectly good weight for me.
Picture Blogging....a Bust!
I may try again today...Yesterday was a not normal eating day b/c I was out shopping. Maybe I'll try again today. It was also brought to my attention that the daily plate totals may not be right...I dunno. I'll try again today and see what I come up with.
This morning I've had coffee and 2 small brownie bites. I hate you chocolate on my counter when I first wake up. DJ bakes these ooey gooey brownie bites and then leaves them on the counter. Ugh. So hard to resist. I ate two and vow to stay out of them for the rest of the day. I just made some bacon so I'm having 2 pieces of bacon too.
B: coffee, 2 brownie bites, 2 pc. bacon (the breakfast of champions :) )
L: Chicken Breast w/ a dab of Ranch
S: 1 oz cheese, 3 pepperoni, 4 oz. light fit yogurt, 9 ritz bitz peanut butter crackers
D:3 bittes of spaghetti and 4 bites of a baked potato--- I threw this up about 10 mins. later.
Later: 1 pc. peanut butter toast and 2 darn brownie bites. grrr....
The kids are home on a 2 hr. delay and driving me batty. I'm going to the doctor at 11 for these dang headaches. I'm alittle annoyed though b/c I have to see a new doctor...my old doctor who I loved ran off and joined the army... wth?? I have no idea. Anyway...I hope she's a cool doctor. It's annoying though to have to start over w/ all my medical history again. Blah.
This morning I've had coffee and 2 small brownie bites. I hate you chocolate on my counter when I first wake up. DJ bakes these ooey gooey brownie bites and then leaves them on the counter. Ugh. So hard to resist. I ate two and vow to stay out of them for the rest of the day. I just made some bacon so I'm having 2 pieces of bacon too.
B: coffee, 2 brownie bites, 2 pc. bacon (the breakfast of champions :) )
L: Chicken Breast w/ a dab of Ranch
S: 1 oz cheese, 3 pepperoni, 4 oz. light fit yogurt, 9 ritz bitz peanut butter crackers
D:3 bittes of spaghetti and 4 bites of a baked potato--- I threw this up about 10 mins. later.
Later: 1 pc. peanut butter toast and 2 darn brownie bites. grrr....
The kids are home on a 2 hr. delay and driving me batty. I'm going to the doctor at 11 for these dang headaches. I'm alittle annoyed though b/c I have to see a new doctor...my old doctor who I loved ran off and joined the army... wth?? I have no idea. Anyway...I hope she's a cool doctor. It's annoying though to have to start over w/ all my medical history again. Blah.
12/1/08
Food Blogging with Pictures!
First of all, why is it that the day I decide to food blog w/ pictures, my digital camera breaks??? Arg. I used my cell phone so the picture quality is terrible...but anyway....First, coffee....1 mug...half and half and 1 pk. splenda
Next a Venti Skinny Caramel Latte
Then about 3/4 cup of this stuff (similar to chex mix):
While shopping I got a Beef and Cheddar Roast Beef Sandwich at Arby's...I ate about half then 2 hours later ate the rest...Got sick.
OH and about half of this Pay Day Pro Protein Bar thru out the morning....
I'm a grazer. Yikes.
I hate this day of food blogging....I am way over on my calories and have grazed... Bad me. :) LOL Guess this is what we are supposed to learn huh. :)
Afternoon snack:
Pepperoni
Dinner:
Evening Snack: Sugar Free Hot Cocoa
Running Totals:
calories: 1374
fat: 61g
carbs: 134g
sugar: 54g
fiber:7g
protein: 71g
So there we have it. This was a PAIN. And as you can see I gave up taking my own pictures and googled images of what I needed. Anyway...there ya go! :)
Next a Venti Skinny Caramel Latte
Then about 3/4 cup of this stuff (similar to chex mix):
While shopping I got a Beef and Cheddar Roast Beef Sandwich at Arby's...I ate about half then 2 hours later ate the rest...Got sick.
OH and about half of this Pay Day Pro Protein Bar thru out the morning....I'm a grazer. Yikes.
I hate this day of food blogging....I am way over on my calories and have grazed... Bad me. :) LOL Guess this is what we are supposed to learn huh. :)
Afternoon snack:
Pepperoni
Dinner:
Evening Snack: Sugar Free Hot Cocoa
Running Totals:
calories: 1374
fat: 61g
carbs: 134g
sugar: 54g
fiber:7g
protein: 71g
So there we have it. This was a PAIN. And as you can see I gave up taking my own pictures and googled images of what I needed. Anyway...there ya go! :)
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