Oh my gawd.

I just got home from the doctor and I am a little annoyed. I went in to tell him to get me off this Effexor, like yesterday and that I think I have UTI. The UTI was easily diagnosed and I was given an antibiotic, no problem. I told him about the issues w/ the Effexor and he said that fine, I could switch. I told him I was starving all the time, dizzy, tired, confused and sedated. He shrugged and said yes those were side effects. Then I said, "I haven't lost a lb. in 6 weeks!" and he said, "Well, I'm surprised you haven't gained. Most woman I put on that drug will gain 20 lbs in that time frame."


Are you kidding me?? He knows I had RNY. I knows I want to lose weight. He knows I've already lost a ton. Why in the heck would he give me a drug that is going to make me gain??? And, not only that, but how can he be so lax about it??? Oh my gosh. I was in shock. 20 lbs?? In 6 weeks?? Holy crap. Yeah, before RNY that totally would've been me. Now I am thanking my lucky stars, that I didn't really gain but just sort of bounced around the same 5ish pounds.

I am equally thankful that I went in and he is taking me off this evil evil drug. Bah!

He now has me on Wellbutrin. I asked him about switching over and about the horrible withdraw symptoms I've read about, but he seems to be not too concerned about that either. I dunno. I really don't trust him now, and I wonder if it will be hell afterall trying to switch over. Guess I'll go see what I can find on Google.

I am so frustrated and feel like I've wasted the last 6 weeks. I know the honeymoon phase of this surgery isn't going to last forever and I'm pissed that I wasted 6 weeks of it!!

I could totally be so much closer to goal by now. Arg.



My body hates me!

Ha! I quit smoking but in the process I've gained 5 lbs. from my lowest of 148. This a.m. I was 153, and this was after 3 days of logging food, watching every bite and exercising. WTF??? Arg!
I think I'm in a stall. Seriously. I won't complain (much) b/c this is my first true stall since my gastric bypass but that doesn't make it suck any less. LOL At any rate, I don't know what to do. I have about 20 lbs still to lose to reach my original goal and the scale mocks me.
When I see pics of my face though, it is starting to look too thin. So I dunno. The girls I hang out w/ are all tiny and I still feel like the fat one in the group. I realize a size 8 is not fat, but it's all mental at this point!
Health needs to be my focus now. Not skinniness! I need to have that engrained on my brain or something!! It's what I want to teach to my family and to Hannah especially, but I have to grasp it first.
Health is what is important!!
My goal for today is to get my (lazy) butt on that treadmill!!! :) I will do it.


I'm not even joking...


OMG! This is insane! I was supposed to go to the doctor this a.m. to discuss my meds and get an antibiotic for my UTI that I know I have. Blah! Now, I'm going to have to reschedule. DJ drove the Expedition to work again b/c his car is buried and the truck has 4 wheel drive so it makes sense. It means I'm stuck here though, again, all day, with 3 kids. I plan on sending them outside to play in the snow again

Sledding yesterday was so fun and I got some great pics that I'll upload and share in a few! Gabe absolutely LOVED it. He wanted to go down the hill on every ride and yelled "Weee" and "Yay, yay!" the whole time. When we'd climb back to the top and all pile back on the sled, he'd stand there saying, "Me! Me!" so we'd let him on again. So cute!!

I stayed on track foodwise yesterday and felt really good about that. :) I'll be back with pics in a second!



snack: 1 oz. turkey lunch meat (98% fat free) and 1 laughing cow cheese

Menu Update

B: Coffee, Atkins Shake
L: 1/2 c chili w/ dab of sour cream, 7 quaker mini rice cakes
hot tea
going to have dt. dew and some crystal lite this afternoon too!

Can you believe it?

The kids are home....again! Another snow day!! And the snow isn't stopping... in fact we are supposed to get 5 more inches on top of the 6 we already have. BLAH! I doubt they'll have school tomorrow either. DJ texted me though and said to be ready when he gets home b/c we are all going sledding. LOL This should be fun. I haven't gone in years b/c I was too big. I plan on having a blast today! (And probably breaking my tail bone! lol) I'll be sure to take pics too!

The house is spotless and laundry is still caught up. Feels good.

Food is better than it has been in weeks.

TOM is here so the PMS is leaving. Thank God!

Right now I'm sipping on a protein shake and trying to convince Gabe that a sippy cup is just as good as a bottle. ;) It's not going well. The girls were so easy to get off the bottle. Gabe is another story. He just doesn't like the cup. He'll throw it down and cry for his "ba-ba". Im' trying hard to only let him have it at nap/bedtime but he's fighting sleep so he'll lay down and drink it but then get up and run around, and I'll have to give him another one a little while later. He ends up getting one all afternoon then. Ugh.

Well I better run. He's ripped all the movies out of the cupboard...again.


In check...

I watched some youtube vlogs today and really got convicted for the choices I've made lately. I'm guilty of going back to my old ways. I am guilty of disrespecting my body. I'm guilty of abusing my pouch. I'm guilty of abusing what was a blessing!!

I posted last night that I regretted my surgery. I don't!! It was a God given GIFT!! I need to own my feelings and stop copping out and making excuses for the abuse Im' putting my body through!!

My health is supposed to be my priority and instead I've been distracted by stupid junk!!

Smoking? UNHEALTHY!! ulcers, stink, cancer, death!!
Over eating? UNHEALTHY!! weight gain, stretched pouch, high blood pressure!
Bad food? UNHEALTHY! get the crap away from me!!!



Wake up Amber!

You are making changes. Don't go back. Be proud. Be happy. Be satisfied.

Own your feelings Amber!!!

Deal with your issues. Be healthy. Be the best mom, wife, person you can be!

OMG. This is it. This is what I've needed to hear.

Think about it.


Discipline and do the work.


I'm going to be more accountable for what I eat. Meds or not, there is no excuse to just eat myself stupid. That is how I got to almost 300 lbs. to begin with.
b: coffee w/ half and half
3 teddy grahams
l: lean pocket
d: 1 c homemade chili
snk: atkins strawberry shake
Plan on chugging tea and crystal light and water too!


831 calories and 53g protein

I still have some wiggle room too. I feel like as long as I stay under 1000 calories I should still lose. Started my period yesterday so I don't feel as hungry today I think due to that.

There may be light at the end of the tunnel afterall! :)


Life seems a lot better today. Last night was rough. I had missed my Effexor pill the night before and could tell it. Blah. I want off the stuff, but the withdraw is horrible. NOt sure what to do but I'm making an appt. to see the doctor tomorrow and see what his advice is. The med makes me HUNGRY and all I find myself doing is mindless eating. It is annoying b/c I shouldn't be struggling w/ wanting to eat all the time, being only 10 months post op. Hopefully he has some advice for me. Since being on it, I haven't lost one single pound. Once I had taken my pill last night I felt a million times better right away. It is scary that my body is so addicted to that already. I don't like that. I feel like I am one big ball of addictions. I don't like being a slave to anything.

I broke down and bought a pack of cigs yesterday too. I do feel like a failure. I can't stop smoking, eating or taking those pills. I don't like feeling like other things are controlling me and they totally are.

If any of you have any advice or experience w/ Effexor I'd love to hear it. I totally wish I'd never started taking it in the first place. The sad thing is, it really helps improve my moods, but I can't deal with the side effects.

Oh if anything could ever be easy...



Warning: This post will be emotional and raw.


1. sadness associated with some wrong done or some disappointment
1. feel remorse for; feel sorry for; be contrite about
2. feel sad about the loss or absence of

What do I regret?

Do I regret having surgery? Do I regret having lost 129 lbs.?

I'd like to think the answer is no. But...

There's that word. But.

There are things I do regret.
I regret eating junk this week. I regret lighting up that first cigarette. I regret becoming selfish and self centered. I regret burning bridges. I regret allowing myself to become the person that I am today.

I don't recognize me. I look in the mirror and see a face I don't know. A body that I didn't know was under there. I regret it all at times. I miss my fat. I miss my comfort. I miss my wall.

Now I feel exposed and naked and I feel like the person I've uncovered is not a person I want to be.

What do I do now?

I'm glad I'm healthier. I'm glad I'm thinner. I'm glad I'm prettier.

But I miss me.

I've lost me somewhere along the road. Now I wait for the compliments. I thrive on the attention. All the focus is on me.



I've pretended that I havent' changed. I've loudly proclaimed w/ disgust that I've not changed.

But I have.

I'm breaking all the WLS rules. I drink when I eat. I eat cookies, chips and junk. I eat til I am uncomfortable. I eat til I throw up. Then go eat some more.

I'm hiding. I'm unhappy. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm mentally drained.

I don't know how to change. I've already changed so much.

Right now, I feel lost. Right now I feel a lone. More alone than ever.

It hurts. Worse than being fat.

Right now my head is pounding and my face is flushed. I want to crawl in a hole and not come out.

The food isn't making me feel good anymore. The cigs are putting distance between me and people I care about. The drinking only gave me a hangover.

What am I missing?

The guilt is overwhelming. I have a beautiful family and a great husband. A life that other people would kill for. I'm thin and young and talented.

But I'm still unhappy.

What am I missing??

What is wrong with me?

Regret. I regret everything.


Kill me now!


The plan... get the kids outta this house, no matter what it takes. If I have to take a sled I will. LOL

Right now they are throwing a football in the livingroom, while singing w/ the TV at the top of their lungs, and feeding Gabe fruit loops. I've lost all control.


Cold outside, but warm in here!

I've spent the whole morning putting laundry away, sweeping and straightening up the house. I forgot how much I love being home and being able to keep the house tidy. When I was working, it was clean but lived in and there was a lot of things that got let go, just b/c there wasn't time for me to do it. In the last week I have cleaned and cleaned adn cleaned and it feels great. I am two loads away from having all the laundry done. That in itself is a wonderful feeling. Dinner is in the crockpot and all is well here. :)

We went to Crossroads church again last night. The kids really love their classes and I really enjoyed the teaching. He is doing a study on the Old Testament and I love stuff like that. We feel really comfortable there and the kids love their classes. It's a good place.

On the smoking front, I'm doing well. I've had a cig here and there but it's drastically cut down from where I was. I'm still chewing the gum and I know I'm making progress! :)

On the weight front...well... I can't expect to have all of life in order at once. Ha! It seems that with me, if one part is good another gets neglected. Why is that? I'm still bouncing between 148 and 152. I feel OK, but I really would like to finish this thing. I guess that is why they give you 18 months. I've still got 8 to lose 20 lbs. but I'd like to get it off sooner. Problem is, I haven't been motivated to do what it takes to get it off. Boo.

Today I've had coffee and protein bar so I'm on the right track. I'm avoiding those dang girl scout cookies! he he

I also have run up and down the steps a million times already today and I broke a sweat so I am moving! :)

Have a great day ya'll!



Hannah and I had a talk last night about diet and exercise. I'm really trying to approach this from a health angle instead of a weight angle. I think that may be the difference that my mom needed to see. I dunno.
We talked about logging our food intake together daily and exercising in the afternoons when she gets home from school. We also talked about packing her lunches and her eating breakfast at home instead of at school. I found out that she's been eating chocolate cereal adn peanut butter crackers for breakfast everyday. Seriously??? Chocolate cereal at school? What has happened? I remember when I was in school they at least attempted to make thing healthy. ANd there was a no pop allowed rule. Now she said they sell pop and candy bars as extras if anyone wants to buy them after school. What?? Ugh.
So we are focusing on making healthy choices at this point. I'm praying this is the key. There is no plan B at this point.

In other news, Gabe is starting to talk up a storm. He is recognizing things and repeating any words he hears. He is so adorable. Last night at Abby's game he wore me out though! He is a ball of energy and is constantly on the go. During the game he took off running down the middle of the court and I had to CHASE him. I was running. OMG. So humiliating! lol Of course, everyone thought it was cute and funny, but I was so embarassed! Boys are so different than girls!

On the way home, it hit me. I wanted to lose weight to be able to keep up w/ my kids.. Well thank God I lost the weight. I'd never have been able to chase him at 277 lbs. Now at 150 I took off after him like it was nothing, and though I was tired when I got home, I realized I ran the length of that court and wasn't out of breath one iota. Goal reached. :)

I am so looking forward to the fun we are going to have this summer. No more will I be embarassed to take them places. I will keep up with them and have a blast doing it.


Lost Links

We bought a new computer b/c the old one got some sort of virus and kept shutting itself off. Now I've lost all of my old bookmark. Whine! If anyone here is reading from Circle of Friends, please email me w/ the link! Or somehow let me know how to get back there!! :( I want back in so badly!

In other news, Hannah has been having trouble on the school bus. She came home Friday and fell into a sobbing heap on the floor after getting into an argument w/ 2 6th grade boys and a 4th grade girl. She is only in 2nd and this had my blood boiling. What it came down to was that her bff P. was told by 4th grade girl M that she wasn't allowed to be friends w/ Hannah anymore. This had been going on for a few weeks and I had sort of stepped back to see how it would work itself out. I know how catty girls can be and sometimes they can work it out and will hate each one day, but be bff's the next. Friday was a bad thing though. She said that M had started saying stuf to another friend J and that Hannah stuck up for her, which in turn turned the teasing to her. She said they called her names, made fun of her eyebrows and hair and skin color. She was crushed and scared. The 2 6th grade boys jumped in I guess jsut b/c that's what boys do. With the 3 day weekend, it being Friday around 4 when she got home, today was the first day I would've been able to speak to the principal or bus super anyway. This morning though she begged me not to call b/c she didn't want to get in trouble too for things she had said. So... at any rate, I have no idea what to do. Right now I'm planning on calling P's mom just to see if she knows anything. M is their neighbor and I figure she may have some insight that I do not since I don't know any of these older kids. Ugh. Parenting is so hard at times.

Hannah is worrying about her weight, and her looks already as it is. I knew we'd have some extra issues, given her ethnic background, and the fact that she now has two very white parents raising her. At any rate, I have no idea where to start in order to help build her self confidence. Especially with these outside influences. I continually tell her she is beautiful and Ok, but I don't think that is enough.

She is 110 lbs. now in 2nd grade and though she is the tallest one in her class, I know she's pudgy. She likes to eat, as did I at that age and that scares me even more. I dont want to see her head down the MO road I took.

When I was young though, I constantly felt horrible about myself and my weight and my mom's comments to me... "Don't eat that". "You aren't really hungry"... (yes, Mom I really was!) and "You don't want to be fat, do you?"

I don't want to deal with her issues, the way my mom dealt with mine, but how do you deal with it and not make her feel like she isn't enough as a person? I dunno.

She knows she needs to lose weight or at least maintain. She's been consistantly gaining at least 10 lbs a year for the last few years. At this rate, she'll be 180 by the time she gets into high school and could be over 200 by graduation. I don't want that for her. But can I stop it?

For one thing, I know that eating lunches at school are not helping her. That is my fault. It's so much easier, not to mention cheaper, to just send her w/ lunch money than it is to pack a lunch everyday. I take responsibility for that. I also take responsiblity for buying junk food. I would be a liar if I didn't admit to the Oreo's in the cupboard, or the chips on the counter. I do limit her when she is home though and do not allow mindless eating. Packing her lunches daily would be a good start.

She is active, as much as she can be in the middle of winter. She plays basketball on Mondays and Saturdays and also has gym class at school 3 times a week. She has asked to start using the tredmill and DJ talked about moving it upstairs where it is more accessable than in it is in it's current spot in the dark, cold basement.

It's a start and I hope it's enough.

She got a cute hair cut last night. It started as a disaster but by the end of the night had turned into a good thing for her.

Her hair is thick and curly and was too long. I was having fits trying to keep the tangles out and as she was getting ready for bbal practice I decided I couldnt' stand it anymore. I took a pair of scissors and chop! It boinged back up as curly hair does and was way way too short. I panicked and cut the rest off at the same length which only made matters worse. Ugh.

We jumped in the car and off to the salon we went. Why on earth I tried to cut it myself, I'll never know. I do those dumb sort of things occasionally. I'm like that.

She ended up though w/ the most adorable little bob. When we came home I straightened it w/ a flat iron and she was in love. I was so relieved. After the teasing incedent on Friday, I could just see the poodle comments that would come today if I didn't something to fix it.

Thank God we ended up w/ a very cute cut and she felt wonderful in it, especially since it was now straight.

I figure until it grows out a bit we'll be straightening it quite often and that's ok. Anything to make her feel good. :)

Now, if we can just get this weight issue under control all will be well with her.


Date Night!

Our date night was wonderful! :)
We went to a Japanese Hibatchi Bar. My mom had taken the girls, and DJ's brother was watchign Gabe at the house for us and we took off. First we stopped at the mall and I found a leather jacket (size Medium!) on sale. Down from $200 to $29.99!!!! It was unbelievable and a jacket I had had my eye for a while anyway. :) It looks great on me too. haha!
After that we ran to Walmart for a few things and then got in the car and tried to decide where to eat. I suggested Olive Garden, but we've been there a million times, as we had every other restaurant in that town. DJ remembered a friend of his had told him about this japanese place and so we decided to try it. It was so fun. ;)
We had a wonderful night and really connected again. It was amazing. I love that man so much. We made new memories and it felt amazing. :)
I feel so much better!

I am still smoke free and that feels good too!

Things are making a turn for the better.

I did get on the scale this a.m. and am 151 lbs. I think I may be at a set point and I see I am going to have to work to get this last 20 off. At the same time I feel great where I am. We'll see.


20 hrs and countin

No cigs since yesterday at 3:30 p.m. Go me. :) It feels different this time and I do want to quit so I think that is helping. I did purchase a box of Nicorette and have chewed 2 pieces today, but I know I'm making progress. Yippee. DJ and the kids are happy and I am too.
I feel like I'm getting a chest cold too and so this seems like a good time to drop the habit.

We are home this morning, hanging out, since DJ had to work. He arranged for mom to take the girls over night tonight and is finding someone to keep Gabe and told me to be ready when he gets home b/c he's taking me on date. :) Sounds fun. And totally needed.

After losing all this weight, our marriage has really been tried and tested. Last night he told me that all the guys at work keep telling him that I'm going to leave him and find someone better now that I'm thin and am getting my teeth fixed, etc. He is scared to death he's going to lose me and it has come out in the form of frustration and anger that has really been pushing me away.

I've gotten to the point where I didn't want to be in the same house, let alone the same room with him. I wanted to run. away. as fast as I could and not look back.

It's been a scary few months.

We have yelled. We have fought. We have thrown things. We have crushed each others spirits. And the bottom line, when all the dust clears is we were saying the same thing!

I'm scared.
I love you.
I dont' want to lose you.

But instead of realizing that we were making matters worse, we were letting our fear come through in the form of anger.

Last night, I broke down. Finally. I sobbed told him how I feel about him and my kids and my home. I don't want to lose it. I love my life and it just should be even better now that I'm out of the prision of fat.

So, we are both trying harder to speak what we feel. To say, I'm afraid and it be ok.

We'll make it. We have so far and have only gotten stronger for it.



Yesterday, I realized that my cell phone wouldn't call out, but people were still calling me. It seemed weird, so I called V to figure out what was going on. This was new service contract that we just got in January. I thought it was odd that we hadn't gotten a bill yet, but with everything else going on, I didn't really investigate it any further. Well, it turns out that our service is interupted for non payment. I found out that they sent our statement to our old address and it wasn't forwarded. They actually sent it to a place we lived 2 houses ago in 2005. Ugh. So at any rate, I was annoyed. Especially when our paperwork shows our new address as our billing address. Anyway, I got it straightened out and went on with my morning.
Around lunch time DJ called and said that he blew his tire out on the way to work, and didn't have a spare. Double ugh. I had to drive over in blizzard conditions and pick him up. Now, as if this wasn't stressful enough, it's more annoying b/c he just put $250 into his car last Friday and now it's undrivable again. 4 new tires will be a nice chunk of change. Ick.
On top of that our bills just keep pilling up and the money just isn't there. Especially since I'm not working yet. I'm still waiting on the place to call me, that I had my interview at last week. I called her twice yesterday to let her know my results on my tests and she still hasn't called me. Triple ugh.
All of this added to my nicotine withdrawl is not a pretty sight. I've held it together though so far. Trying to speak positive words and stopping any negative thoughts that enter my mind. I take a couple deep breaths and pop a piece of gum. :)
I've had a ton of coffee today, but I dont' want to replace cigs w/ more food, so it's a struggle but it's one that I will win.
We visited a new church Sunday and I actually loved it. Its a very contemporary church w/ an awesome children's program. They actually have their own coffee shop in the foyer and everyone wears jeans and is very friendly. In fact, DJ had dropped me and the kids off at the door while found a parking spot and as soon as we sat down at a table in the coffee area, and older man started talking to me. He said my kids were beautiful and that we looked like a very nice family. :) Flattery will get major points with me. Haha!
He talked about his grandkids and stuff and it really made me feel welcomed. There is nothing worse than walking into a new place and being totally ignored or feeling like the "new girl".
The kids went straight to their classes.... giant rooms w/ flat screen tv's and tons of activites and then DJ and I went into the sanctuary where they were already singing. The praise and worship was pretty good and then they did a skit that went along w/ the sermon. It was funny.... a married couple.... a husband thinking that getting mroe credit was the answer to their finanical problems and a wife w/ a shopping addiction. Ha! The senior pastor is doing a study on finanical freedom and even had a man from Crown Financial there to give tips on getting started on a spending plan. It was so relevant to what we need in our lives!!
I walked out of there encouraged and feeling like we could do something about our money and our lives. THAT is the way church should make you feel. IMO.
I am not going to get involved as far as ministry there, but I do want to take a couple classes they are offering. It is just such a neat place!
Anyway... even though bad stuff still happens, over all things are looking up for us!



I realized I have a serious problem when I was in the garbage digging out butts and broken pieces of old cigs. Over the course of the last few months, I had decided to quit a couple of times, and broken half a pack of cigs and threw them in a big barrel in the garage. Well, when I was in the barrel digging out pieces and putting them back together with scotch tape, I realized how disgusting and how serious an addiction it had become. I had myself convinced that I could stop when I decided to and that I just wasn't ready yet. I told myself I wouldn't spend any money this week on cigs and that if I didn't have them, I couldn't smoke them. So the next best thing? Digging them out the trash. Omg. I've hit a new low.
I am so disgusted at myself. I am disgusted for picking up the habit again. I am disgusted for keeping it and I'm am disgusted b/c I dug threw garbage.
I am stronger than this!!!!

It's over. What ever it takes. I'm done with the stinky sticks. Nothing is going to control me like that. Seriously.



I got a 96% on the written part of my test and passed all 5 skills on that portion. Yay!


I took my test last Sunday and feel pretty confident that I did a really good job. The advisor that did my exam told me I did an excellent job on the skills portion and I blew through the written exam without any problems as well. I'm still waiting on my offical scores to be posted, but I know I passed. I should start my training at the home I got hired at on Feb. 20. Once my scores are offically posted I'll knwo for sure.

It is so fulfilling to know I completed this. I walked out of there Sunday with a smile across my face and feeling great. I did it. :)

I have gone to college twice before and never finished. I have been paying off students for ten years and had nothing to show for it. Now I feel like I've made some headway.

In other news, Gabe went to the doctor and we found that he has double ear infections and an upper respitory infection. He got a shot in the behind and a script for Albuterol. He's acting like a crazy loon, all hyped on that stuff, but at least he's feeling better. Poor baby.

The plan today is laundry and not to eat like crazy. :)


UGH. Stupid scale. I'm such an oinker lately too. My appetite is back. Oh, how I can graze. I was 152 this a.m. That is back up 4 lbs from last week. I guess I'm going to actually have to do some work to get this last 20 lbs. off. I have about 2 months to go til my 1 year surgery anniversary and I'd really like to hit goal by then, but am I willing to do what it takes to get there? I hope so.
Today's food:
b: coffee and weight control oatmeal w/ butter 180 calories
l: lean pocket 300 caloires
d: chicken and veggies
lotsa water.

I need to stop eating at night. That seems to be my downfall lately.

It's so cold here today... school was delayed b/c of the bitter cold windchills. I don't want to leave the house. Hannah has bball practice and Gabe needs to go to the doctor though. He just isn't getting over the cold he has and I'm tired of hearing him hack and cleaning up his puke. He can't keep anything down hacking like that. :(
The last time I took him they said it would pass and just to let it run its course... well it isn't going away and we need drugs at this point.

I must go now. Gabe is covered in chocolate pudding from head to toe, as is his highchair and everything else in close proximity to his chair. LOL



I have a busy day planned. First, I've spent most of the morning cleaning the house. We are having a party tonight and I had to get everything ready. In the mist of it all, my sweeper belt broke, and I was down on my hands and knees cleaning up popcorn kernels that my lovely children had spread all over the carpet. Kids.
I'm heading out soon for a short shopping trip with a friend. She's on a mission to find some cute ripped up jeans, and I'll make a quick stop at Walmart for a few things too. Then the party.
It's a bunch of people DJ works with, coming over to hang out and play games. We have Rock Band, and it's fun! It should be a great night.
I didn't hop on the scale this a.m. It seems to be something that isn't a pressing issue anymore. I am below 150 lbs. and happy and am feeling pretty good about myself. The sagging belly skin is disturbing, but what can I do? I knew I would have it and it's here so... I've been doing some sit ups to see if I can tighten up the muscle underneath. We'll see.
Gabe is still hacking. Ugh.
Oh! Wish me luck! I have my STNA test in the a.m. I have to fit some study time in today. I'm really trying not to stress too much aout it though. I've heard it's easy. Let's just pray I pass!! :)



I felt compelled to blog today but I have no idea what to talk about.

Gabe is still congested and throwing up everytime I is "full" and has a coughing fit. So disgusting. I don't know what to do, but I'm frustrated. The doctor says no cough meds or anything of that nature at all and yet I know if he had a suppresant of some sort, the puking would stop for the most part. I want to take him to the doctor again, but being stuck here with no car makes that next to impossible.

DJ worked on his car a little last night but ran into a wall, when they went to the parts store too late and it has already closed. His friend that is helping him is going out of town til tommorrow I'm guessing maybe by the weekend his car will be fixed and I'll have mine back.

Thankfully the girls have shook the bug and are doing much better and DJ and I are fine too. It's just poor little Gabe that is hanging on to the funk.

We are in the process of trying to decide if and where we should attend church, although Sunday we won't be going. I have my STNA test Sunday morning. Wish me luck!! :) So there's not much to report on that.

I plan on paying some bills today, and people are coming to hang out tomorrow night. Saturday night, I've agreed to sing at a dinner benefit for a friend of mine who was injured in a car accident in November. Guess we have a busy weekend ahead. Of course, Hannah has a game Saturday a.m. as well.

I can't wait for spring to get here. This winter weather sucks. And summer? Oh! I love summer and you better believe my butt is gonig to beach as much as possible. :)

I guess that's all for now. Gabe is on my lap and won't stop "helping"...



Who Am I?

Who am I?

That question has been haunting me lately as I have watched myself transform into a new person. Who is this woman staring back at me in the mirror? The fat is gone, the crooked teeth are gone... but do I like what I see now?
And beyond the physical... who am I on the inside?

A loving, compasionate, caring person? Or a self centered, egotistical, bitch?

I hope I'm not the latter, but it seems that I've been hearing that a lot lately. I did brush off a lot of it as jealousy, etc, but you know yesterday I realized something.

I have become a big ball of bitterness. Somewhere a long the way I have internalized every bad thing that has happened to me, the molestation, the rapes (yes I said rapeS), the loss of people I love, the broken trust, the broken relationships, etc. I have held it all. I dug a place inside of me, and just kept burying it all. Then I planted bitterness over top of it and it grew. And grew. And grew.

It was easy to hide behind a wall of fat. That seemed like the bigger issue in my life. I could laugh and joke in front of people...pretend I was coping with it all, then go home and shove it all back down with a package of cookies and a pizza.

As the fat has been peeled away, it has revealed my hidden wounds, hurts and pain. Pain that I can't hide anymore. Pain that can't be silenced by food.

I have tried to turn to other things to replace the drug that food was. Smoking has been the biggest one, but as my 9 year old daughter sat on our couch sobbing after finding out her mom was smoking, I realized that it's time to let the bitterness go. It's time to stop self medicating and its time to deal with the pain. Deal with the issues.


I don't know yet.

But I'm working on it and I will do this. I've come this far and I'm not willing to give up now.


Lazy Sunday...

I love Sundays. A day of rest, relaxation and peace. It is so nice.
Right now, I've got a family fav, Tatertot casserole, baking in the oven. The girls are putting dishes away as their daily chore, then plan on watching the new Hannah Montana movie that Hannah got for her birthday yesterday. DJ and his brother are playing Halo3, while Gabe naps on the couch and I'm blogging. Ah. Heavenly.
Sunday's didn't used to be this way. We'd wake up at the crack of dawn, rouse the kids out of bed and into the shower, take showers ourselves and run out the door by 8:30 a.m. b/c we had a "ministry" to tend to. A few years ago, we worked in a church. DJ was the youth pastor and I was the music minister, and Sunday's were never a day of rest back then. In fact, by Monday morning, I was exhausted, my house looked like a tornado had hit and whatever drama had ensued on Sunday, was still in my minds forefront on Monday. I'd spend the whole day trying to recover. We spent 4 years this way, missing only 2 Sunday's in that time span.
There were so many problems and issues, and yet we pressed on, b/c afterall, we were doing God's work. Countless times, we'd arrive at church by 9 a.m., having forgotten (or had no time) to feed the kids breakfast, scrounge around teh church kitchen for a stale little debbie left over from the children's church snack from the week before, and shew them off to class. DJ worked 3rd shift then too and many times would fall asleep on a bean bag chair in the youth room, from sheer exhaustion, sleep from noon to 5 and be back up in time for evening service.
This all came to a screeching halt in November of 06 when the Pastor walked out one Sunday morning and resigned. In a way, I had never been so relieved in my entire life. Finally, that obligation was over. It was such a sad situation b/c music had been a joy in my life. It was what I loved. What I was good at. But it had become a chore and one that I was happy to leave behind.
Now, we've attended two more churches since then and none have "fit" us. I am not sure where that leaves us standing, but I know I feel anxiety when I think about going back, but I also feel anxiety when I think about not going at all.
My problem has never been with God. I know what I believe. My problem is with people and the way church becomes a contest and how everything is political and how I feel like I am on guard all the time. I long for a place to worship, that is peaceful and a place of safety, instead of war zone. Do those places exsist?
The morning, I woke up to the kids asking if we were going to church. Hannah got Heely's yesterday and wanted to show them off to her friends. Abby wanted to go b/c she wanted to put a dress on. LOL Less than spiritual reasons I know, but they are 9 and 5...At any rate, DJ declared that he wasn't going anywhere, even after I listed off several places we could try. I thought about pressing the issue, and even about just taking the kids myself, but the truth of the matter is, I'm not ready. I'm not ready to go back.
And that is when the anxiety comes. I worry about what will happen to our family if we aren't rooted in God. I worry about the teenage years, if my children have no moral guidelines. Yes, I will instill what I can, but I have always felt like church is a consistant place for them to learn and grow in faith as well.
DJ thinks I've lost all my faith, especially since I'm puffing on the stinky sticks now, but I don't think that will keep me from heaven and I surely don't believe he can point any fingers at my faults, when he struggles with his own things.
I miss spending time with God. I miss those quiet moments we used to have. I would wake up early in the morning before anyone else was up, and read a few passages, sitting by the window and drinking my coffee. It was in those quiet moments, with the sun shining on my bible, that I felt like I knew who I was. I felt peace in those moments. It was never in a crowded sanctuary, that I felt closest to God. It was when I was home and alone.
And so here I am. On a Sunday, not in church but at my house wtih my family. The smell of a home cooked dinner in the air. Kids happy and chattering about. I'll think for now, I'll go back to those quiet moments in the morning. Maybe God will still speak to my heart and show me the way to go.


Another snow day...

It isn't really snowing though. It's more like 1/2 an inch of ice on stuff. Blah. Spring, HURRY!!!

The plan today is to clean (again) and get ready for Hannah's birthday party tomorrow. She's turning 9. I can't believe it. Time flies!!

I want to fit some exercise in today too, but I am still sore from teh day before yesterday and I swear it's getting worse instead of better! Ha! It hurts!!! lol Guess that means it's working, right?

DJ and I had a "date night" last night. We went to dinner at Outback and then to the mall and to Walmart. Look at us go! ha! Dinner was really yummy. I ordered steak for the first time since surgery and it was really good and went down fine. Of course I only could eat about 2 oz after having salad and a few bites of baked potato and veggies, but it was a nice dinner and I didn't feel deprived at all. I <3 my RNY!!! :) I'm not going to weigh until Monday though b/c TOM is still here and I don't want to see the scale bounce!

OH! I can not find Citracal Chews anywhere!!! Did they stop making them?? I've checked 3 places including Walmart (where I bought them before) and no one has them!!! :( I'm so sad!

Guess that's all for now! Enjoy the weekend!