Before!

2/24/08

Regret

Warning: This post will be emotional and raw.

Regret.


noun
1. sadness associated with some wrong done or some disappointment
verb
1. feel remorse for; feel sorry for; be contrite about
2. feel sad about the loss or absence of

What do I regret?

Do I regret having surgery? Do I regret having lost 129 lbs.?

I'd like to think the answer is no. But...

There's that word. But.

There are things I do regret.
I regret eating junk this week. I regret lighting up that first cigarette. I regret becoming selfish and self centered. I regret burning bridges. I regret allowing myself to become the person that I am today.

I don't recognize me. I look in the mirror and see a face I don't know. A body that I didn't know was under there. I regret it all at times. I miss my fat. I miss my comfort. I miss my wall.

Now I feel exposed and naked and I feel like the person I've uncovered is not a person I want to be.

What do I do now?

I'm glad I'm healthier. I'm glad I'm thinner. I'm glad I'm prettier.

But I miss me.

I've lost me somewhere along the road. Now I wait for the compliments. I thrive on the attention. All the focus is on me.

Me.
Me.
Me.

Selfish.

I've pretended that I havent' changed. I've loudly proclaimed w/ disgust that I've not changed.

But I have.

I'm breaking all the WLS rules. I drink when I eat. I eat cookies, chips and junk. I eat til I am uncomfortable. I eat til I throw up. Then go eat some more.

I'm hiding. I'm unhappy. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm mentally drained.

I don't know how to change. I've already changed so much.

Right now, I feel lost. Right now I feel a lone. More alone than ever.

It hurts. Worse than being fat.

Right now my head is pounding and my face is flushed. I want to crawl in a hole and not come out.

The food isn't making me feel good anymore. The cigs are putting distance between me and people I care about. The drinking only gave me a hangover.

What am I missing?

The guilt is overwhelming. I have a beautiful family and a great husband. A life that other people would kill for. I'm thin and young and talented.

But I'm still unhappy.

What am I missing??

What is wrong with me?

Regret. I regret everything.

2 comments:

Kim said...

I wish I knew what to say. I'm a pre-op so I can't yet relate and honestly hope I never relate to how you are feeling right now. They say that they don't do surgery on our brains when they do WLS. We have to reprogram ourselves. I hope you find your peace and I'll be praying for you until then.

Candy-O said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. You cannot expect to go through this massive physical and emotional change and be perfectly balanced in your feelings and reactions.

It is only natural that you are reveling in the attention your physical changes have brought to you. One the novelty wears off it won't be so big of a deal to you.

The pendulum will have to swing a few times before you land at your new view of the world and yourself. As you figure out who you are, based on you - not what you look like - you will find be able to feel comfortable in your skin again and make choices in your behavior - not just mindless responses to your discomfort at the massive change in your life.

Be patient with yourself!