Before!

5/29/07

Harvest Sun Chips

YAY or NAY?



NUT INFO

Amount Per 1 oz
Calories 140
Calories from Fat 54

% Daily Value *

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Total Fat 6g 9%

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Saturated Fat 1g 5%

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Polyunsaturated Fat 2g

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Monounsaturated Fat 3g

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Cholesterol 0mg 0%

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Sodium 160mg 7%

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Potassium 70mg 2%

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Total Carbohydrate 19g 6%

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Dietary Fiber 2g 8%

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Protein 2g 4%

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Alcohol 0g

6 weeks update

I am down 30 lbs. as of yesterday and then down another lb. this a.m. for 31 total :)

Here are my before and after's so far!

Obviously the ones on the left are after and the ones on the right are before!



5/27/07

3 weeks/6 weeks compare pic...

Tomorrow is my actual 6 week mark, and I will do the usual weigh in and pics then but I did want to share these today...

3 weeks post op:

I will do my offical weigh in and front,back, side, etc. pics tomorrow but I wanted to show this today.




Today:

A good day!



DJ had to work this a.m. but I got up with the kids, got them dressed and we actually made it to church on time!! See?






It is a pretty nice day out and I plan on grabbing some tea here in a sec and heading outside to enjoy it. The girls are staying over night w/ my mom tonight and we will have a big cookout tomorrow. I'm not stressing about food one bit. I'm going to have chicken off the grill, a little bit of salad that I'm making, a bite of baked beans that DJ is making, and a couple bites of sugar free jello fluff for dessert if I have room. It's all good. :)

5/26/07

Ew...

Could I be any more nauseaus? I'm sure I could, but I'd be hanging over the toilet bowl. Ugh. South Beach High Protein Cereal Bars....The first one I had was decent. Yesterday I had one for breakfast and felt ok. Today though, I ate a Cinnamon Raisin one for breakfast and I feel like poo. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

So I need to get an exercise routine in place. I thought about Curves, and they are running a special this month, but with 3 kids it is hard to get there. That is not cop out, it is the truth. Having an 8 yo, a 5 yo and a 10 mo. old sort of limit my options a bit. I decided to go for a walk a few days ago, and DJ was gone so I had to take them all with me. I can't say I could even count it as exercise b/c of how many times we had to stop and go. We had to stop and look at ever flower, bug, leaf... LOL It makes good memories for the kids, but does nothing for my flab. I didn't even break a sweat. The fresh air is good, but I need some structured exercise. Any ideas?

I bought an exerciser thing. It's called... hang on let me go look....
OK It's called the Easy Shaper. I got it at a garage sale. I've been going to yard sales trying to find some exercise equipment so I can just set up a little gym in my basement. Right now I've one piece. HAHA! Gotta start some where though!!!

So I was irratated at the scale again this a.m. What's new, right? lol Oh well. It will move. Right now I'm starting to hear a lot of good comments about my weight loss and that helps. Abby, my 5 yo is brutally honest and has been telling me how small I'm getting. That makes me feel good, b/c I know it's real... not just someone trying to make me feel encouraged.

We have two cookout's to go to Monday but I'm cleared on Monday for all foods (as tolerated) except steaks and roast so I'm good. Will have to be careful and keep an eye out for hidden sugars and fats, but I feel confident that I'll be ok.

Have a great weekend ya'll!

5/25/07

I'm better now

OK so after my freak out I grabbed the tape measure. I didn't measure before my surgery like an idiot... but I did measure at 3 weeks out. So I measured again Wednesday which was 5 weeks, 2 days out. I was down 12 inches from week 3. I felt much better after seeing that.

I stuck to my plan and yesterday drowned myself in water and was down 2 lbs. this a.m!! :D Yeehaw! :)

So I'm at 29 lbs. lost. I did stop losing on the scale for 6 days but I was losing inches. Hallelujah.

I wish I wasn't such a scale whore, but I don't think that is going to change any time soon. Next time I'll just grab the tape measure before I let myself flip out all day.

Thanks for your comments too everyone. :D

5/23/07

Trying to calm down...

Thanks Danyele for your comments. :) I'm glad to see I haven't scared everyone off. haha I'm calmer now, and plan on grabbing my tape measure to see if anything has changed in the last few weeks.

I need to breathe. ;) I'll be ok, I promise.

argh.

My monthly visitor isn't due for another 8-11 days but I'd say PMS is full swing right now. Yikes.

Are you kidding me?????

Weight... bouncing between 247.6 and 248.4 for 6 freaking days. I'm starting to get mad. I have read a gazillion WLS blogs and no one's weight has stalled like this at 5 weeks out. I'm eating what I'm supposed to and I'm ticked off. Seriously. This is crap.

P.S. Don't anyone tell me that my body is catching up or any other programmed comments that you learned at OH. This is me. This is my now. I know the weight will come off eventually, but I am a visual, scale person and I need that scale to move or I'll freak out. Like now. I took it for 5 days and didn't complain... today is day 6 and I'm angry.

Stupid fat, go away.

5/22/07

GROSSED OUT!!!

I spent most of this morning outside planting flowers and then came in and cleaned my house like a mad woman. It feels great but boy am I worn out!!

I finally got a chance to eat something around 2 p.m. and tried some egg salad, which my pouch promptly let me know, was not acceptable. I settled for string cheese. So about 10 mins ago I decided I'd mix up an Isopure drink in order to get my protein in. My fluid was good but protein was low. I figured I'd do 12 oz of Isopure for 50g and be good.

I opened the canister and poured two scoops into the blender and this is what I found....


It is the tip of a latex glove. Gag.

I called GNC first b/c that is where I bought it and they gave me a hassle about it, asking if I had a receipt and that jazz. I was so whipped up and grossed out and told the guy that I don't keep receipts for 2 weeks after I buy something and like it. He said he'd talk to his manager "TOMORROW" and call me later. I told him that was unacceptable and he needed to call me back TODAY. If you'll recall I had an issue at GNC purchasing it in the first place so this attitude on the phone made all the more unimpressed with that store.

After hanging up with him I called Nature's Best. They were much more helpful and are sending out a replacement right away. Now I'm only at 20g protein for the day...it's 3:30... I have some vanilla protein powder but I got really nauseated the last time I drank it. Ugh. Hopefully one day of low protein won't hurt!

Right now I don't feel like eating anything. I'm so grossed out.

5/21/07

Week 5 update

Week 5...down 27 lbs.
I can't help but wish it were more, but I know we all feel that way. I am tolerating food pretty well. Still haven't thrown up. I am eating mostly chicken and fish and refried beans. I'm trying to find a way to get protein in my coffee that I can't taste... LOL It's a long shot I know. :( I'll live. My family has been eating much healthier since the surgery. Tonight I made grilled chicken over lettuce, cucumbers, carrots, feta cheese and Fat Free Italian dressing. The kids LOVED it. I was suprised. DJ swore it wouldn't fill him up but he ate one serving and didn't even go back for seconds, saying that he was full. Ha! Guess I'll show him.. right? hehe

I bought flowers today to plant. Pink impatients, blue striped pansies and pink pansies. I can't wait to get them in the ground. DJ needs to trim the bushes too and the yard will look 10 times better.

Every morning I wake up feeling smaller. I think it's all in my head but maybe not. Yesterday I walked into my aunts house and they all shreiked at how much weight I've lost already and how much they could see it. That felt great! :)

5/19/07

Not in the club...

So it's time for this post. And remember this is MY blog and I'll say what I want.


So...

I am not in the self loathing, fat girls club. I have hated my fat, but I've never hated me. I've been annoyed with my size and the way I PERCEIVE that people treat me, but all in all I've been a very happy, beautiful, fun, nice chubby girl for most of my life. I've had my moments of depression I suppose, don't we all? Overall, though I haven't allowed my weight to be my crutch. You know the "excuse" as to why I'm not what I could be? Yeah, well I don't go there.

That being said, I should also let you all you blog readers know that in 2005 I weighed 179 lbs. (for a day) but I stayed around 180 lbs for most of 2005. Granted I still was about 50 lbs overweight, I was pretty normal sized, could shop in any store, wore about a 12-14 and I hated me. Looking back, I hate how rude I was. How I thought everyone should worship me. I swore every man that spoke to me was interested in me, and I almost left my husband. And though I didn't "cheat", I did have some relationships that were very close to the line of deal breaking behavior. I got a job and neglected my family. Deep inside I was miserable. I looked great on the outside, but inside I was worse than ever.

That December I found out I was pregnant with Gabe. At first, I was shocked but I was happy. DJ and I had decided to stay together and make things work and now looking back, Gabe was the best thing that could've happened.

During that pregnancy I gained 95 lbs. Yes, from December 2005 until August 2006 I GAINED 95 lbs. Our marriage became the strongest it's ever been and I became "Amber" again. Not that stranger that losing weight made me.

After Gabe was born, I tried to lose weight but couldn't get it off. My highest weight before had been 240 in 2002, and now here I was at 275 lbs. and discouraged! How could I ever get back below 200?

After several months and finally deciding on WLS here I am on the journey to get there and beyond. So here's the point of the entire blog.

In my real life, I know about 6 people PERSONALLY, who are close friends of mine who have had gastric bypass. For 5 of them, their lives have only improved. They are the same people, only a bit smaller. They didn't turn into whores sleeping around and partying their heads off, forgetting all their responsibilities in life, and destroying their bodies with other things to replace the lack of food. One got married and just had a baby a few months ago. She is still mantaining her weight loss after 3 yrs. Another, had surgery 6 yrs ago., is still at goal. Her kids are now married and out of the hosue and she and her husband are closer and more loving than ever. The third, had surgery in 2001, went back to college and now has a career and though she's gained back about 20 lbs., is still doing amazingly well and is very happy with her family and husband as well. The others have similar positive outcomes and are still the people I knew before.

On the other hand, there is one who is a mess. She left her husband and kids, got involved in the party scene (at 45 yrs old) and is now addicted to prescription drugs. She is below goal but looks old and tired and is always sick and depressed. She is not the same person at all. I dont' know this "new" person at all and it's sad.

With all that being sad, and with my own experiences with losing 85 lbs. in 2005, I am DETERMINED to not allow this weight loss to change who I am. I know there are so many outward things that will change and I do embrace that. I want change, but not at the cost of my family. My husband and my children are so important to me. I am doing this for me, but for them too. So that I can be a better wife and mom. So that I can move and run and be there for them years from now. Not so that I can lose the weight and end up alone b/c I allowed the weight loss to drown me in pride and haughtiness. I dont want to alienate my family or friends b/c I think I'm "all that".

I'm only a little over a month post op, and yet I've already lost friends over this. People that I thought would be there no matter what. HA! They ran for the hills weeks ago.

Who has been here for me this entire time? My family. My husband is the greatest man in the world. He loves me for me. He wiped my butt in the hosptial for goodness sake! He married me when I was fat, but I know he's excited to see what body comes out of all this. lol I am too!

I guess that the whole point of this blog is that I don't know the future, but having been in the minority of most WLS patients in the fact that I was almost to my goal only 2 yrs ago, it is fresh in my mind how NOT to act when the weight drops off. It makes me sad to read some peoples blogs from start finish and you can hear the change in their writing. They used to be a down to earth friendly person and now they are some egotisical prideful nut who isn't even as pretty as they think they are. Skinny doesn't always equal beauty.

5/18/07

Well....

I have a lot swirling around in my head today. The scale has been going back and forth between 248 and 249 for the last day. It's fine. I'm under 250. No complaints.

Yesterday was a full day. I got up early and got showered b/c Gabe and I both had doc. appts. My mom rode with me b/c I'm still on lifting restrictions. We ended up being out during lunch. They decided on McDonalds (I hate McD. before surgery). I ended up eating 1.5 chicken select strips. I wanted soup but it's gone for the season, couldn't do a burger b/c I'm not cleared for ground beef yet, and the grilled chicken has always been dry there IMO... so I went with that. It went down fine and I was full.

I ran to my doc appt. This was to talk to the GYN about birth control options. We discussed the Nuvaring and an IUD. She pointed out that insurance may actually pay for my birth control since it was a "medical necessity" after WLS. I called them and they will cover the IUD at 100% but the Nuvaring would be $30 per mo. Guess which one I'm going with. I'll have the Mirena IUD put in during my next period. I feel pretty good with this choice and have heard a lot of post ops say it is working well for them. It will be nice to have a bc in place that requires no thinking or action from me. LOL So that's settled.

I also had to run to the grocery store and so once DJ woke up and Hannah came home from school we headed out. For dinner we ended up at Ruby Tuesdays. I opted for the Tilapia. It was very good. I ate about 1/3 and was done.

I was worried about eating out so much yesterday but the scale said 248 this a.m. so I guess I'm ok. I have been struggling with getting fluids in though and so that is my goal today!! Get in 64 oz. Right now I'm at about 12. Ha! I WILL get it done though. I'm thinking about having tuna patties for lunch. It sounds good to me.

I feel smaller. I woke up this a.m. feeling smaller. I love that. When I was picking up the house this a.m. I realized that my arms were actually swinging at my side and not brushing up against my body constantly. They still are close but there is some space in there now. lol I also noticed that my neck looks smaller. I guess we'll see when I do my next measurements. I didn't start measuring til 3 weeks out... so maybe I'll do them again at 6 weeks?

I do need to start exercising. At this point, it's been very sporatic. I've gone on a few walks but mostly I just am up around and while that is ok for the first few weeks, I need to get my butt moving. I want a treadmill so badly I just want to scream. I can't really afford to just go out and buy one and so I've been keeping my eye open for any garage sales that might have some. So far I found a gazelle, but decided not to get it. I really really just want a treadmill.

I have a lot internal stuff going on right now but I'm not ready to write about it until I get it sorted out a little more. This definately qualifies as an extreme makeover!!! :)

5/16/07

Is this a wow moment?

I am 4 weeks, 2 days post op and suddenly I can't eat. Well, let me rephrase...I can eat but I get full... QUICK. I am not complaining but it's funny b/c last week I could eat a whole 1/2 c of refried beans and felt like it was too much... then Monday I had 2 oz chicken salad, 1/2 peach and 1 slice of cheese. Today I made zucchini and chicken- 2 oz. chicken, 1/2 c zucchini and I can't even eat half. But that's not the wow moment.

Actually, I'm not sure I would call this a wow moment. I don't know what to call it but here it is.

I have this empty feeling... I always thought it was hunger, so when I felt that feeling I ate. Makes sense? Right? Well, after surgery I still have that feeling. Even now, when I physically couldn't take another bite, I still feel it. So what does that mean? Is it psychological? What is this?? It feels like physical hunger but I'm eating so how can it be? Am I a freak or does anyone out there, post op, know what I'm talking about??

Relearning how to eat is not an easy task. Add the psychologial side and it seems like an impossible task. I'd rather just drink liquids all day I do believe.

I am so tired today too. Insomnia kicked in high gear last night I was up til 2 a.m., then up again at 6 with the kids. Not fun. I had a mini break down this morning from sheer exhaustion and the state of things. I miss being independant and being able to just throw the kids in the car and go. I miss being able to take care of my baby without help. It's been 4 weeks and I am ready to be well!! LOL Besides the tiredness and drain I feel, I'm tired of feeling like I need a babysitter to go anywhere. I can change diapers, fix food, do laundry, etc... but I still can't pick him up on my own, or sweep the floors, or even go to Walmart alone. All that involves lifting. I know it is almost over, but after the sleepless night it all sort of crashed in on me.

I'm ok though. Im' strong and I'm going to buck it up and get through this. On Memorial Day I'll be able to lift Gabe again and boy will I ever be thankful!!

I did bake two dozen cupcakes this morning for Abby's preschool class. I wasn't even tempted to lick the spoon. It was freeing to be able to stand there and make those and not even want one. Thank God for this surgery!

5/15/07

I was tagged by MM!

Survey Says: You gotta think.
1. What is the stupidest mistake you have ever made with money?
I'd signing up for all those credit cards in college...way too easy to get one!!


2. Do you think taxes are unfair or do you think it’s your civic duty?
Taxes suck (too put it bluntly!) I understand we needs roads and schools, but frankly I'm sick of paying for lazy scummy people who just don't want to do anything with themselves.

3. Do you take risks and possibly turn your life upside down for new opportunity?
Totally.

4. Are you the alpha in your household? (Include pets)
No

5. Do you compromise with your significant other or does someone always get their way?
We compromise. We are a good team. :)

6. What curse word do you use most often?
nada

7. Do you easily change your mind or are you dead set on most issues?
Depends on what the issue is...

8. What famous person would you like to trade places with for one week?
Famous people suck.

9. If you could go back in time and tell one person off, who would it be and what would you say?
Hahahathis is a good one, but I'm over it now so...

10. Were you a good student or did you do just enough to get by?
good student

11. If you could give one piece of advice to someone just starting out on their own, what would you tell them?
Don't get a ton of credit cards :D

12. Are people basically good and honest or are most people opportunistic and predatory?
I used to believe that most people were good and honest, and then I actually opened my eyes. Sad really. (Keeping this answer.) * I agree too!!*

13. Is there somebody you wish you could go back and apologize to?
Nope!

1st 2 goals... 25 lbs gone and under 250! :)

Day 29!
I reached my first two goals this a.m.
I am down 25 lbs. AND under 250 lbs!!!!! :) :) :)

This is awesome and so worth it! Tomorrow will be 1 month post op and I really wanted to hit that 25 lbs gone mark and I did it!! ;)

Next goals:
40 lbs. gone at 2 months (June 16th)
50 lbs. gone by the 4th of July!!

I may be stretching it a little but I'd rather set a goal and see how close I can come than set it too low.

I will be taking a long walk today b/c it is nice and sunny and beautiful outside!!

Today I feel great. :D

5/14/07

4 weeks-28 days post op

So.. life is actually getting mostly back to normal.

I did my Monday weigh in and was up a lb. from yesterday. That happened last week too... but anyway... so that put me at 251 and down 3 lbs. for the week. I can handle that.

Surgery:04/16/07---274
week 1: 260
week 2: 256
week 3: 254
week 4: 251

Down Total: -23 lbs. I'll take it.

I feel pretty good though Friday and Saturday I spent most of my time sleeping due to this horrible cold. It is in my chest and in the right side of my face. UGH! In fact, last night when I went to bed my right eye was droopy and I couldn't hardly see b/c the pressure was so bad and my head! Omgosh, my head was hurting so bad on that side I couldn't even cough without agony. I took some Tylenol cold earlier in the day adn that helped, then right before bed I downed some Nyquil and was out like a light! This morning the cold is still here but the headache is gone. That alone makes me feel 100 times better.

I went for a walk Saturday, even with my thumping head, and was ticked off when I discovered my iPod was dead. Then I got chased by two large grey dogs. Ick. I need a new route! ha!

Everyday gets better though and I'm starting to feel normal agian. I can chew food again! ;) That is a big deal in my world right now.. lol

I cleaned the whole downstairs this a.m. and am working on laundry now. I keep saying it's nice to feel normal again and I hate to be so redundant, but I have missed being able to just get up and go!

Speaking of, I need to straighten up the bedrooms upstairs, do more laundry and get Abby to school!

I'm out.

Mother's Day recap

I woke up around 7:30, hopped on the scale and was happy to see 250 lbs. staring back at me. After a cup of coffee, and a shower for all of us we were out the door and at church by 10. They had a nice service and all the mom's recieved a little plastic carton of flowers. I'm sure there is a name for these... I know a big tray of them is called a flat.... anyway... After that we headed out to dinner with my parents and grandparents.

Now in my "Wake up people" entry, you will see I was very annoyed with them even asking us to go, but I suppose I was being a bit rediculous. At any rate, we went and they had a very very moist turkey breast, mashed potatoes and gravy and steamed green beans and carrots. I ordered 3 child size portions. One for Hannah, one for Abby and one for me. The woman then asked what I was eating. LOL

The whole meal went down great and I chewed and chewed that turkey til it was puree in my mouth and had no problems. In fact, with all that chewing I finished after everyone else. That helped to ease my anxiety of eating in public, thank goodness.

We had a nice time, then headed home for a nap. At around 5, we had to go to DJ's sisters. She had made bbq chicken, potatoes, salad, baked beans and cake. I brought refried beans with me and then mashed up some of the potatoes and once again ate well. No problems at all.

All in all, it was great day. The kids got me flowers and made the most precious cards. I loved every minute of it.

I am on soft foods now! :) Cottage cheese for breakfast...I really have no appetite though. This stupid cold is kicking my tail right now.

OH!! I almost forgot. I had the best conversation with my MIL yesterday too. She had the surgery 5 years ago this June. She started around 255 lbs and I would guess is under 120 right now. She's only 5'.

.....


So.. back to yesterday... DJ's mom and I ended up out on the front porch with the girls yesterday and she finally asked how I was doing. I said good and then the conversation just went from there. Like I said she is 5 yrs out and doing well weigh wise, BUT she is suffering from major depression (which sort of explains why she hasn't been around for anyone), she has Fibromyalga, arthritis and who knows what else. None of this is from the surgery she and her doctors claim. At any rate she is a mess. She said she doesn't regret the surgery at all though, in fact she still want PS. She did have the tummy tuck a couple years ago but still wants her legs, arms and boobs done. She looks good to me now, but of course, I don't see her naked. LOL

I told her about a few things that I've been struggling with and she said it's all normal but most post ops, once they are further out, forget how hard those first days are. I had to agree. A lot of post ops just say, "Oh it gets better" and I know that it does, but I'm living today and this pain or frustration or whatever the issue, is real for me right now and my feelings are valid for this moment in time.

I have noticed this a lot on post op message boards and blogs...People basically say, "Snap out of it" or they just blow you off b/c they are living the "after life" and forget about those first few weeks and how tough they really are.

My cousin had a baby a few months after me and I remember in her 9th month I got so annoyed with her calling me and complaining about how ready she was to have that baby and how she couldn't stand being pregnant another day, totally forgetting that only a few months before that I was doing the SAME THING!! It was easy for me then b/c I had my baby in my arms, and the swelling was gone and I could sleep on my stomach, and move with out my hips grinding together. I didn't have heartburn anymore or the urge to pee every 10 seconds. In my mind, I knew things would be ok for her too in a few weeks, but that wasn't where she was that day!

Now I can chew again and have soft foods and already I can feel myself forgetting how bad the liquid diet sucked! I am already forgetting the pain of those early post op days, and how difficult the mental battle was. As time passes, it will only fade more and more, but I want to be aware of other people's feelings. Just as my thoughts, struggles and feelings are real and valid, so are other peoples.

I don't ever want to be one of those post ops who forget where I came from and make new post ops feeling like they aren't "tough enough" or that they are weak. This surgery isn't for the faint of heart and I dare anyone to say I'm not strong. I have had struggles, I have had people say and do things that got on my nerves, but that doesn't make me any less of a person in this weight loss battle than the person that sits at goal today. I'm just a few steps behind on the same journey.

5/12/07

I'm not afraid.

It's ok guys. I'm not going anywhere. :) This is me. And you're right Danyele I need to own my feelings.

So there. Step 1. I'm not leaving and I'm not deleting. I'm here and I'm staying. :D

The last 6 months of my life have been tough. I have gone through some major changes, even aside from the WLS. I was betrayed by friends and family, lied on and ignored. Through it all, I realized these people were only using me anyway and that I was better off with out them. I also realized that because of the break in that relationship, a sort of domino effect began that did directly lead me to have gastric bypass, among other things.

These were people I trusted and cared about would've done just about anything for. In the end, I was disposable to them and that hurt. Yet, in that I realized that I was letting them control my life, my opinions, the way I felt about things. Just wanting to be accepted and belong, allowed me to become prisioner.

I am thankful I am free from that garbage and will NEVER let anyone have that control over me again. In fact, I specifically remember these people telling me that if I had WLS I was sinning and taking the easy way out. What an idiot I was to believe that crap!!

So now I sit here and I'm 26 days post op, down 23 lbs. and it has finally dawned on me why people try to keep others pushed down. It is to make themselves feel better! It's not b/c they really care about you or what happens to you!!

People didn't want me to have surgery b/c they were comfortable with me being fat. It made them feel better. They were jealous of my talent, my abilities and my life. They had to have something to make them feel superior.

Well... guess what. I win. :)

I will stay here and I will write. I will tell what I really think. I will own my feelings. I won't be ashamed or scared. I will tell it like it is. :)

My lord, that feels good.

Hiding...

After reading about another blogger in MM's blog hiding her blog I decided to google my name, the various usernames that I use and I was urked to see that I am pretty easy to find online. Yikes. I write some not so nice things about people sometimes AND I having my weight plastered all over creation for people to see is not my idea of fun.

So what did I do? I tried to cover my steps. I made my profile at OH private first and foremost b/c everytime I googled my email, that came up. Next I deleted posts, and an old blog I had from 2005 that had 1 entry, and did my best to hide!

So... do I feel safe? Not really. ACK. I would be mortified if people found my real thoughts and feelings. I put up a good front to my family and friends. In fact, I had one friend tell me that they never saw me let my weigh bother me or stop me from doing things. It was a compliment I know and yet I thought, I don't want to be the person that "doesn't let their massive weight effect them!" Because it DOES effect me. Every freaking day. It stops me from doing so much.

I pour my heart out here but that doesn't mean that I want my family and friends to know what I really think. And I don't want to be censored either.

So what do I do now?

Hopefully no one has found me yet.
Crap.

That feels good....

I should've start blogging a long time ago! It feels good to get those feelings out. Ahhh....

On to better news... I'm down another lb today!!! :)

Hello?? Wake up people!

I mentioned in my last post that my mom called wanting us to go out to dinner on Mother's Day with her, my dad and my brothers. It sounds easy enough, right? Well, not so, since I'm only 26 days post op and am still on purees. She KNOWS this... so why even call?

I know I shouldn't be annoyed. But, c'mon! She has been here everyday, helping with the kids, since my surgery, (which I am beyond grateful for!!). She knows where I am in my diet and knows that I can't just go into a restaurant and sit down and order food.

So anyway, I said I'd talk to DJ and see.

I'm also annoyed b/c she has called everyday and told me what she's eaten for lunch and how bloated she is or how she has dieted for 2 days and lost 5 lbs. Oh, and everyday my brother shows up out here, he's got a bag of some type of fast food in his hand.

The worst part is, they are oblivious!! He comes in and plops down right beside me with his Whopper w/ cheese and devours it. The smell alone is enough to make me vomit on myself and yet something in me wants the burger.

Isn't that like lighting up and smoking a cigarette while right next to someone who is trying to quit??

I don't think they are trying to sabatoge me. I think they are just clueless.

Yesterday, when mom called to tell me about her lunch at school for teacher appreciation and how she ate lasagna and bread and salad and was stuffed to the gills I finally had had enough. I told her to stop talking about food to me and that I didn't want to hear it.

Rude? Maybe. Necessary? Definately. Enough is enough people. Wake up! And this goes for all of my friends who are suddenly on diets....

I don't care what you had for breakfast, lunch or dinner.
I don't care how much you've lost "without surgery".
And I don't care how much you think your helping when you tell me that you know how I feel b/c unless you've had this surgery, you have NO idea, no matter how much you've starved yourself or how many diets you've been on in the past. You have no clue.

Mother's Day

I've already received several home made cards and cups of dirt (with flower seeds inside) from my girls for Mother's Day. :) They are so sweet and are so excited to be able to give me gifts. Those homemade cards and cups of dirt are just about the best presents I've ever gotten in my life. :) I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds! lol

My mom called yesterday, wanting to know if we wanted to go out for dinner on Sunday with her, my dad and my brothers. Ok, I'm going to blog the current frustrations in another entry b/c I don't want to ruin this one with it.

Back to the cards and dirt. I'm the luckiest (and best, according to the cards) momma in the world. :D

5/11/07

I'm a scale ho.

OK yeah,I hopped on this a.m. and am down 2 more lbs. I was down the last couple days but I was waiting to see if it was going to stick before I claimed it. :D I'm taking it now. So ... down 22 lbs.

Today I am 25 days post op. I get to start soft foods on Tuesday of next week. yay! I am allowed to have toast and crackers, pita bread or tortillas. I think I'm going to stick with whole wheat or lc tortillas. I think a bean burrito on a lc tortilla sounds heavenly. :) I bet I'll get full on 2 bites though! haha

I'm getting a cold in my chest and it hurts. My throats feels like its on fire when I first wake up and coughing burns!!! I took a little watered down Nyquil last night out of desperation. It was 11 p.m. and all I had and I needed to sleep. I measured out 1.5 tbsp and then filled the rest of the cup with water. It was weird b/c pre-op when I would take Nyquil I would imediately feel a rush... my face would get warm and I would almost feel it go through my blood stream. Last night I figured that would be intensified... Much to my surprise I felt nothing. ??? I thought we would be more sensitive, not less. Maybe I'm weird?? At any rate, it stopped my coughing so I could sleep. This morning I did wake up feeling hungover so maybe it hit me after I was asleep, I dunno.

I put in a call to the nurse though b/c at this point, I have no idea what to take since I'm not allowed to swallow pills yet and everything else seems to be loaded with corn syrup or alcohol. We'll see what she says. I don't care what it is as long as it works.

In other news, I was going to walk yesterday. I really was...but I sat on the couch unshowered all day. I was so weak I felt like I couldn't move. It was probably the 2nd worse day I've had since surgery. It seemed like just walking to the kitchen took every ounce of energy I had. I do feel much better today and am determined to get that walk in.

OH! I also called Curves about rejoining. I was a member there in 2005. They are running a special. No sign up fee! Yay! :) Only $34/mo. I'm totally doing it. When the nurse calls me back I'm going to ask about that too...when I'm cleared for real exercise. I'm guessing they'll make me wait til the 6 week mark. That will be ok though b/c that will be May 28 and the special runs til the end of the month. Perfect timing, eh?

.....

Ok, the nurse just called. Nyquil is ok watered down. I'm ok there... Tylenol cold products as long as I crush the pills. (yuck)And, Curves is fine at 6 weeks out, but I have to baby my stomach muscles at first and no sit ups for 3 months. Good enough.

I guess that's it for now... I gotta get Abby to school and pay some bills.

5/10/07

I'm an idiot...

I couldn't figure out why, when I typed in workingonfreedom.blogspot.com I didn't get my page. I just realized it b/c I have a typo. A freaking typo on my blog address.

Someone slap me.

Appointment Update

First of all, let me say that I LOVE LOVE LOVE my surgeon. He is so nice and so caring and helpful. I am so glad to have had him do my surgery!!!

I made the drive to office and got stuck in traffic 2 exits away from the hospital/office. UGH! Everytime I go I have traffic/car "issues"!! haha (See my PAT day post-flat tire). Anyway, I called and they said it was fine... another class was starting at 2:45 so I was ok.

I finally made it there after sitting in traffic for 30 mins., in 90* temps! The sun was beating down, but I turned off the A/C, opened the sun roof and enjoyed the weather! It's about time summer came to OHIO!!! :D

I got to the office, parked and got in. The office is great. They are all so friendly and I just love them to death. I met up w/ my friend Robyn too! (She had surgery the same day I did and we walked the halls and watched AI together in the hospital! A great friend for life!!)

So we weighed in, met w/ the NUT, and then had our check up w/ Dr. Ben Meir. When I weighed in and it only showed a 7 lbs loss, I had to confess about my pre-op weight gain. *ugh* The nurse just shrugged it off and went on. The meeting w/ the NUT was pretty lame. She didn't give us any new info except that Dr. Ben Meir had lifted his ban on red meat. Originally, he said no red meat for 4-6 months. Now we can have finely ground red meat at 6 weeks, but no roast or steak for 4 months. I can live with that.

Dr. Ben Meir was stuck in surgery so my group (there were about 6 of us) sat together in the 2nd waiting room. Robyn and I talked and laughed and compared notes. LOL Neither one of us has gotten sick on anything yet and we both have lost about 20 lbs.

When I finally got in to see Dr. Ben Meir I was nervous that he would yell at me for the weight gain or whatever but he was awesome!!! He asked me how much I was eating and yada yada yada and then I blurted out that I had a confession and I spilled the beans and I cried. I felt so stupid but it was like once the dam was broken it was broken. lol

He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Amber, what does it matter now?? I could do the surgery laproscopically, you had no complications and you are already down 20 lbs. What does it matter what happened then?" Then he added, "You go on from here. That is the past and it doesn't matter."

OMG, I could've kissed him. He changed my chart, to show that I had lost 20 lbs. I felt so much better walking out of there. He also said that everything looked great, and that he would see me again in July for my 3 month check up! :)

I came home and we went to church last night. I hadn't been for about a week and a half. When I walked in everyone came running up telling me how great I looked and that they could tell I was losing. That felt awesome.

So there is progress. :)

5/9/07

I'm off...

to my 3 week check up. Iy yi yi. I'll update when I get home!

Later!

5/7/07

Why I did this...





3 weeks post op

Offical weigh in this a.m.: 254. I was 253 on Saturday but I understand the fluctuations of the scale so whatever. I swear I messed up big time by not measuring before my surgery. I meant to, but never got around to it. I think I'll do that today so at least I'll have something.

So technically, I only lost 2 lbs this week.

Week 1: -14 lbs.
Week 2: -4 lbs.
Week 3: -2 lbs.

Am I supposed to be slowing down to 2 lbs. a week weight loss already or is that that dreaded 3rd week halt thing they talk about? I guess we'll see.

OK so let's talk about regret. Two things... first, not measuring before my surgery. Second, gaining weight before my surgery.

This is where I need a big swift kick in the hiney.

So I went for my PAT (pre admission testing) on March 22nd. I had put on a few lbs. since my last appt so for the 3 days beforehand I dieted and got back down to where I was. 261 lbs. So...anyway... they subtract 3 lbs for clothing and have my offical start weight as 258 lbs. OK.

So, I walked out of there and had 3 weeks before my surgery and let me tell you I ate. I ate everything. I'd start each morning swearing that it was going to stop, that I would control myself, but by bedtime I had eating myself sick. The stress, the emotions, the mental thought that I'd never get to eat it again... the very things that got me to 270 lbs in the first place... I couldn't overcome. By time my surgery date came, I had gotten up to 274 lbs on my home scale (which weighs about 2-3 lbs over the doc scale). I figured that I'd be about 272 (269 after they sub. the 3 lbs for clothing) on the surgeons scale the day of my surgery. So I gained like 11 freaking lbs. at least, in the 3 weeks before my surgery.

How dumb could I have been? I was out of control. I scared myself. It did serve one purpose though. It showed me how much I needed this surgery to control my food addictions.

So now I have my 3 week check up on Wed. with the surgeon and boy am I going to look like an idiot when I have to confess what I did. I'm guessing that I'll only show a loss of 10 lbs or so according to their records. How humilating.

BUT, I can't change it so I guess I just go forward from here. I'm lucky I didn't get in trouble for a fatty liver, or have any complications, or get my surgery cancelled.

I am reaping what I had sown and it's not fun. What a relief it is to know though, that one day soon, I'll step on the scale and the number will start with a 1. I'll walk into any store I want and find stuff that fits. I'll run and play with my kids. I'll wear a bathing suit in public. I'll be a healthier, happier person. The end result is all the same no matter where I am right now. This stupid fat suit will be gone and I'll be myself again, inside and out.

5/6/07

Progress Pics-3 weeks post op

I've decided that after looking at these, I'm not going to take anymore progress pics in my pajamas. I look terrible... lol BUT I can see a difference!!!


So here we go...
Before and then 3 weeks post op.
Down 21 lbs.

Before:

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3 weeks post op:
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Here is a face shot at 3 weeks too:
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Woopidy do. I wish I was at goal already.

Coffee...sweet, glorious coffee

It's been 3 weeks since I've had a sip of coffee. I have heard some post ops say they couldn't tolerate coffee for years after surgery...others had a bit in the hospital the day after surgery.

Let me start though by saying that I love coffee. I was/am a coffee addict. I used to drink a pot a day and loved every second of it. I drank it strong and black. I knew that was going to change with surgery... I figured I'd have to add some protein to it. lol

At any rate, it's been 3 weeks. My surgeon ok'ed coffee. It is in a recipe section of our post op manuals, but for some reason I've been afraid to try it. I guess in my whole mind set of getting healthier, I figure breaking my caffiene habit was a smart thing to do. Plus, I've heard about all the bad things caffiene does for people trying to lose weight...(dehydration, slows weight loss, increases hunger, etc.)

BUT, I decided to try a Mocha Iced Coffee drink this a.m. and let me tell you... it is awesome. YUM!!!It took 3 tries to get it "right" b/c the stupid protein powder kept clumping up, but now that I'm sitting here sipping it... I'm enjoying every second of it.

That is rare too, because the last two days I have hated eating. I don't want to eat. I don't want to spend an hour mushing crap up that I end up having to throw out and start over 3 times before I get it right anyway, and by the time it's ready I don't want it anymore. Oh, the joys of WLS. LOL

At any rate, this coffee is pure heaven. Finally, something good.

5/5/07

Whew....

ok so there's a lot of babbling. lol
Now, I go from here and just for the record. The $55 I spent on the Isopure was wasted. This stuff is nasty too. :(

May 2007-

19 days post op -May 5, 2007
19 days post-op
Ok so I woke up this a.m. and I "felt" smaller so I *had* to weigh. lolI was down 2 more lbs. which puts me down 21 lbs! YAY! I was hoping I'd hit 20 lbs gone soon!! I went to GNC last night to find some protein that didn't make me gag. I started off with a chocolate protein powder from my aunts vitamin shop. It was ok, but after a week I couldn't drink it anymore. Next, I grabbed some vanilla protein powder from Walmart which tasted just like Slim Fast. I wasn't complaining. It didn't taste horrible and I could get it down, until yesteday a.m. I don't know what happened, but I mixed up my 8 oz. shake and took one sip and almost lost it. I couldn't even smell it without my gag reflex kicking in. Weird! But I hear it's normal. So I found myself at GNC last night spending $55 on Isopure. It is protein powders that mix into a juice like drink instead of a shake. I need a break from the shakes. Plus it's 25g protein for only 6 oz which is nice! It tastes like fruit juice and with ice is pretty good. There is slight, odd aftertaste but so far I'm tolerating it. So anyway, walking into GNC...I felt weird. The whole time I was in there I could "hear" people saying, "What is the fat girl doing in there?"..... Then the two guys that were working were the rudest people. The first one came around the side of the aisle and asked me what I needed. He was a shorter guy, but his chest and arms were huge. I see his ripped muscles through his shirt, bulging. His co-worker was just as buff. I felt like an idiot. He asked me what I needed and I told him Protein Powder and then added, "I just had gastric bypass." My whole face was burning. Humiliation.I know I could've lied about it, but obviously I'm not an athlete or a body builder and I didn't want to hear some comment about how protein powders aren't for weight loss or whatever so I just blurted it out. ugh. He showed me a couple things and that was that. While I standing there looking at the different flavors a little boy came in. The arcade game outside the store had taken his money and he came and told Mr. Muscle, who very rudely replied, "That sucks for you." Mr. Muscle the Second, laughed. They told the little boy to find a security gaurd. "The one who looks like a cop, but is too fat to be one"..... Then after the boy left they laughed about how rude they were. I just wanted to get out of there asap. I made the purchase and walked out, knowing that as soon as I left the store I'd be the next joke. "Did you see the fat girl buying protein?" Hardy har har.It's ok though. This girl won't be fat for long, and every month that I go there and buy my protein they will see me shrink. We'll see who has the last laugh.


16 days post op- May 4, 2007
So I am trying to talk myself into staying off of the scale until Monday. I started TOM yesterday and it was horrible. I was cramping so bad and bloated and had no appetite. I was still the same on the scale yesterday and then up a lb. today. That is going to start frustrating me so I'm wondering if I should just stay off until Monday. I really, really wish I had the strength to do it. I know that there is no way I'm gaining weight, eating 500 calories a day but, if you've read my journal very long then you know what a scale addict I am. So... what to do.. what to do.... Right now I'm keeping it in the kitchen and everytime I walk through I am tempted to step on it. Maybe I should put it up in the closet at least... that way it won't be sitting right there in my face. Let's see... Oh, on the food front. I don't want to eat. Nothing sounds good. Nothing tastes good. It's a whole lotta work for a tiny amount of food. Planning, cooking, blending, mashing, straining, re-heating, etc. I'll be glad when that part is over. Again I stress... there is nothing easy about all this. OK so now I need to decide what kind of exercise I'm going to do once I'm cleared. Right now I'm just walking and need to do more of it (if it would ever stop raining....) but I want to do more. I thought about joining Curves again... Honestly I wish we were closer to the YMCA. The last town we lived in had a rec center/YMCA and it was awesome. It was only 5 mins away, had babysitting and a huge workout room. My choices here are Curves or home DVD's. I really want a tredmil for the house too, but I don't see that happening very soon either. I guess I'll just have to make due with what I have available to me. I'll probably end up at Curves more than likely. DJ and I have talked about turning a portion of the basement into a workout room and the other side a family room. I can't wait til we can do that. That would be ideal with the kids being young. I ordered 12 pairs of flip flops yesterday. lol I was sitting here thinking about how awesome it will be when I can shop for clothes and enjoy it. I look at some of the other post-ops at OH ... the ones who have lost 150 lbs... 160 lbs... and I wonder if I can really do that. I'm only 5 ft. 1 in. and could totally be fine at 120 lbs. I really wish I could get there, but then I hear people voices in my head, "You'll always be pudgy." "You're going to look weird when you're skinny." "You'll never be as small as me."Yes, people have actually said those things to me in the last month. I had a another person tell me, "Well I better start losing weight b/c you can't be skinnier than me!"I mean seriously. What is wrong with people?? At any rate, now I'm wondering if I can actually reach 130, let alone 120. Maybe I'll end up at 150? I just don't know and right now all of those numbers seem out of reach. I look at some of those people though who go from 235 lbs to 110 in 9 months. It is amazing to me. I don't know how they do it. Here I sit though, and I have the same tool as them and yet I wonder if it will work for me. Will I be the one who the surgery doesn't work for? Will my body fight me for every pound? I just don't know. Once again I'm facing the unknown. Next my mind wonders to how I'll look. Will I have a ton of extra skin? I really do not want to face another surgery. I can't imagine the pain of a tummy tuck. The scars I've seen of people who have had them are terrible too. I just dont' think I could do that. But I guess that is the voice of a person who is still in recovery from surgery number 1. lolOnly time will tell I suppose. This is the journey of a lifetime!

April 2007- part 2

2 weeks post op April 30, 2007
Two weeks have passed. I am down 18 lbs. Let's see. Where am I today? On the physical side, I'm doing very well. My incisions are all closed and only one still has the tiniest little scab on it. The drain site is all healed with a tiny scab right in the center. I don't have any pain anywhere, just maybe a tiny bit of tenderness still right where each incision is. I do notice I get pain under my ribs a lot. Some of it is gas, but I also think some of it is pain from those muscules being tensed up for the last weeks. I noticed my whole body was tense and rigid while I was healing. You don't even notice you're doing it, until you start feeling better and relaxing. I think I spent the last 2 weeks with my stomach muscles, neck and back muscules all tensed up.. bracing myself. On the inside, things are healing well too. I've not had any pain when I eat or drink and everything I've tried so far has gone down nicely. Last night I had to take Hannah to the ER b/c she had a 103.5 temp and I could not get it broken after 5 hrs and giving her Tylenol and Motrin. When we got home I was so ready for bed but had to take my Urso (the pill that will help me to keep my gall bladder). It has to be crushed and I put it in a little applesauce. Well, I was sleepy and just wanted to lay down so I (too) quickly, crushed it, dumped some applesauce in a bowl, stirred it up and took 3 bites WAY TOO FAST! I didn't throw up but it was weirded feeling ever. That applesauce literally sat in the my throat until my pouch emptied enough for it to go down. Now I've heard of ppl having these experiences and couldn't ever understand how that must really feel. Well, now I'm in the club. lol And let me tell you, it is weird. It didn't hurt or anything, but just was odd. After a few mins. it all filtered through and I was fine. As time passes and the scars heal it is easy to forget what my new insides look like, but after moments like that, I am reminded that the surgery really did happen, and that I will never be able to eat like I used to ever again. (Thank God).On the mental front.... I have decided that this surgery is 90% mental. Head hunger will get you if you aren't careful. I had a few moments this weekend where I really wanted to eat. Just fix a meal and eat it. Sunday was hard. We have gone out to Sunday dinner almost every Sunday since we got married. Church, then lunch out. It's what we do. Well, it's what we DID. In the long run this is better for all of us. We will save money and eat healthier but it is an adjustment for all of us. The kids didnt' complain and DJ didn't either. You know, as I write this... I wonder if all of our eating out, all of our focus on food.... if all of that came from me. Maybe it was just a thing for me since food has been such a focus in my life. Abby said something funny. Her preschool teachers knew I was having surgery and it was driving them bonkers to find out what kind. Everyday she would come home saying that they asked again how I was and what I had done and she kept telling them she didn't know. How can a 5 yr old explain RNY anyway?? At any rate, finally on the that Friday they asked again and she turned around and said, "She had the surgery that makes the whole family go on a diet." Ahh... I love that kid. (Of course at her program the next Monday I had them all in my face wanting to know... I can't believe how nosey some people are... whatever!)Anyway...mentally I have struggled with if I made the right decision or not. I have struggled with wanting to eat a couple times. Well, let me rephrase that... I haven't struggled with wanting to eat a certain thing... I have struggled with the knowing that I can't eat like a normal person right now. This too shall pass and in a month or so I'll be back eating regular foods, just in smaller portions.I can't wait to have a salad with some chicken on it. Weird I know. That is what I want. I salad with a good dressing and some chicken. LOLEven the mental struggles though are getting easier with time and as each lb. drops off I feel more and more confident that this was right. A lot of my problem (not just in this, but in life in general) is that I overthink everything and ask "why" in every situation. I've decided to stop doing that and just thing be what they are. There are so many things in my past that I sit and think about about and question why. I'm starting a new chapter in my life now. No more why's about the past. This surgery isn't just a physical makeover, but an inward person makeover as well. To examine why I let food be my god, my best friend, my everything. To see how I let it control me and never go back to that again. It's a time to find other ways of coping and make changes in myself for the better. It's not easy letting go of your crutch, but boy will it be worth it in the long run!I'm in a new season, a new chapter. It's exciting and I am determined to enjoy every moment as it comes, and through it all become a better me.


12 days post op April 28, 2007
Last night DJ and I went to the store and I bought some groceries for them and for my puree stage. I was so tired when I got home, but glad that I got out and about. I am feeling alot better and am still doing my incentive spirometer every hour. I can tell it's really helping.I am 12 days post op today. I am still down 16 lbs. I lost 14 in the first week, and only 2 lbs so far this week. It's ok though... I know it's a journey not a quick fix. I've been fighting a headache the last couple days, but I suppose that is from no food. lol Right now I'm averaging about 500 calories a day. I am trying to get more in, but it's hard! I am starting to feel like my old self again. I don't seem to be in that fog anymore which is nice. For awhile there I didn't even feel human. Yuck! The plan today is just sitting around, working on some laundry and watching movies. I love Saturday's like this. Life is good. It really is.


11 days post op on April 27, 2007 8:09 am I am down 16 lbs. now.I had some trouble with my lungs yesterday and horrible horrible chills. I am doing my breathing spirometer 10 times every hr. plus 2 big breaths after. I am weak and tired after yesterday. I was so cold... I have never been that cold in my life. I was shivering and could not get warm. Crazy.

10 days post op! on April 26, 2007 6:31 am
I am still at 15 lbs lost... been there for a few days but that's ok. I know the weight is coming off faster than ever before. I apologize for not updating sooner... I was really in a not so good place when I came home. I went into surgery excited and happy and ready to start my journey but came out scared, and regretful and sad. It was so odd, and yet now I've found out is completely normal. The combo of the meds they give, plus the anesethia and everything else really can send you for a loop. Not to mention, going without food makes your mind do funny things.My family was really worried about me. Physically I am doing awesome. Text book case. Everything went perfect, except for an elevated pulse the night after surgery. Otherwise, I am doing wonderfully physically. Emotionally and mentally was another story. I am so glad that I am past all that now and can focus on my new life and new journey that is before me. My family has been awesome. DJ has been (as usual) the best man ever and has really stepped up to make sure things are taken care of. My mom, my aunt, my grandma, people from church, Hannah and Abby... everyone really has been a great help. There have been hot meals brought for DJ and the kids everyday since I had surgery, 2 of my aunts came and cleaned my house for me Tuesday, my mom has been here everyday to help w/ Gabe, Hannah has been a little mommy , the list goes on and on. Everyone is wonderful. I am so blessed.I am feeling more human day by day which is nice too. The first week or so, I was in such a fog that everything seemed surreal. I just sort of floated around and didn't make much sense. lolOn the food front, I've been on liquids for 10 days. These are liquids that can go through a straw. Mostly soups (no lumps), protein shakes, juice, and dairy. It isn't that bad. In fact, w/ my anxiety about my new pouch, I wouldnt' mind staying on the liquids for a few more days. BUT, I must listen to the surgeon and follow directions. Tomorrow I start purees. These are foods that are the consistancy of babyfood. Still no lumps. I'll have more variety...I'm looking forward to refried beans. Weird I know. LOLMom is coming to help me do laundry today so I better run. you all and thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes!!!


I MADE IT!!! Day 3 post-op!! on April 19, 2007 6:53 pm
It has been quite the rollar coaster but I am home and feel great!! We left the house Monday at around 4:30 a.m. but made it to the hospital in plenty of time. We parked the truck, walked across the tunnel to the hospital and got checked in. It was a whirlwind from that point on. They took us into a small blue waiting room where I left DJ and my suitcase. The nurse put a band on my wrist and asked me a million questions, then took a urine sample, had me change into a gown, and locked my belongings in a locker. DJ came back and said goodbye and that he loved me...oh and they made me take my glasses off at this point so I was blind as a bat from here on out. LOL I went into the next area... got an IV and gazillion other drugs put into me. The antestiologist had a very thick accent... she sounded like Zsa Zsa Gabor and must not have been able to read well either b/c she said, after looking at my medical history.. "You've had menengitis!!!...oh wait... no migraines..." LOL That one was pretty funny. Next a male nurse named Rocky, who had big muscles and lots of tatoos came over and chatted with me for a few mins. while Nurse Zsa Zsa finished what she was doing. Rocky was funny b/c Zsa Zsa kept telilng him to do something, then she would do it... so then he'd be standing there lost and she'd yell at him to do something else... lol Good entertainment. After awhile I was all prepped. The chaplain had prayed w/ me, the doc had said he'd take good care of me and had left to put on his "pajama's" (his words) and Rocky came back to the side of my bed. He asked what my favorite drink was... I said Diet Coke... he said no.. alcoholic... well since I dont drink I couldnt' answer. He laughed and said, "Well what I'm going to give you is the best stuff yet" and he put it in the IV. He laughed and said, "Feel it?"... I said, "no.... oh.............wait... there it is...." And boy was I ever loopy!!!So... they wheeled me into the OR and I remember them dragging me from one bed to the next.... They were strapping my arms down and I was getting really drowzy.... Rocky said, "Good night" and slapped that mask on my face and I was out!I remember a slight moment of waking up in recovery and hearing a woman say, "That's it... you're done!" and I flipped out. I dont know why. I did this after my last surgery too. I cried and kicked and they knocked me right back out. lol Oops... sorry nurse whoeveryouwere. My bad.The next thing I remember is waking up in my room and DJ was sitting next to my bed. I got up and walked 2 that night and got a ton of fluids b/c my heart rate/pulse was so high (130). All of my other vitals were great though. Monday night was rough trying to sleep. DJ left to go home at about 9 p.m. and the nurses came in and woke me up 10 times a night it seemed. The next morning I was ready for my leak test. My mouth was so dry and since I wasn't allowed to have anything until the test I was so impatient!!! It was nasty stuff though! Thank God they give you anti nausea meds before you go or I would've puked all over!!While they were wheeling me down to the xray I passed a friend of mine that I had meet at the PAT day!! They had bumped her surgery up one day and she was sitting in the hallway getting her xrays too!! I asked the nurse when I got back up stairs what room she was in and so it was nice to have someone there that I "knew" the whole time. We walked together and watched AI together Tuesday night. We also compared notes and how we were feeling and stuff so that was fun. We also set up our 3 week check up to be on the same day at the same time so we can see each other again!!So after the xray I went back upstairs and finally was able to have ice chips and liquids! They tasted wonderful.Tuesday was pretty uneventful. DJ and my Gram came to visit and as I said "R" and I went and walked and watched AI that night. I am so sleepy though right now and need to get up and get moving so I will update with the rest of the story tomorrow!

April 2007-part 1

16 hrs to go
on April 15, 2007 12:07 pmPublished

It doesn't even seem possible that this day is finally here... in just 16 hrs. the surgery will begin! I am so ready to start my journey and experience my new birth tomorrow!! I am doing all liquids and the bowel prep today. The bowel prep is some NASTY NASTY stuff. No problems with being hungry today. That stuff is making me !!! I had to drink it twice and gagged it down both times. I accidently picked up the "ginger-lemon" flavor... they were out of the unflavored. Omgosh. Never in my life have EVER tasted anything as nasty. I literally had to go mind over matter and make myself swallow. And then I stood over the sink for 5 mins after talking myself out of puking. I am so glad I'm done with that stuff. Now it's trips to the potty and clear liquids for the rest of the day. I can handle that.I have almost everything packed. I am sending DJ to clean out, sweep and wash the Expedition and also having him pick up some nail polish remover and white shoe polish. Remover for me. Shoe polish for the girls. Oh, and he is going to a friends house to pick up "Grey's Anatomy" seasons 1 and 2 on DVD for me to watch during my recovery phase. Love that show!!!We are taking the kids to the family members they are staying with around 8:30 p.m. and then will come back here and hit the hay. We have to be out of house by 4:15 a.m. at the latest. I'm getting ready to color my hair, then shower and throw the last bit of stuff into the suitcase. So I guess that's it. This is really happening. The next time you hear from me I'll be on the loser's side!

tick tock... [Edit Post]on April 14, 2007 10:27 amPublished
42 hours 'til cutting time!! So I'm am like a mad woman getting this house into shape. I can always tell when I'm either mad or nervous b/c I clean. And clean. And clean some more. Today I am going at it but boy it feels good and will feel even better when I get home and can rest and re-coup in a clean house! I have laundry going and am getting ready to throw everyone's bedding in. I love a clean, fresh bed. I cleaned out the fridge and scrubbed everything down in there. Still have the truck to do, but I am assigning that one to DJ. I am packing everyone's stuff as I get the laundry done so that is easy. Ahh... I feel great. I have zero appetite today. I've been sipping coffee all day and water and took one bite of some pizza I fixed for the kids for lunch. I'm just not thinking about food at all. That is so weird to me. I really thought that I'd go wild on this "last day". I guess I really am ready to do this 100% whole heartedly. I'm not saying I won't mourn the loss of food or anything, but I can say that right now, I'm not concerned with it. I'm ready to do this!! I have gotten such great support. It is awesome to see people really back you and believe in something that you are doing. I honestly thought I'd get a lot of negativity here and in my life w/ family and friends around me, but those comments have really been few and far between. Either people are happy for me, or they are following the ole, "if you can't say something nice..." rule. Either way I'm enjoying the absent of negativity. I am going to give myself a manicure tonight...no nail polish though. I am going to wax my eyebrows too. I am so excited!

Trying to get it all done... [Edit Post]on April 13, 2007 10:08 pmPublished
*call hospital at 4 to find out surgery time* pack for the hospital* pack the kids stuff for the days I'll be in the hospital and they'll be staying with family. This is not easy when it includes and 8 yrs old, an almost 5 yrs old and an 8 month old baby and Grammy wants the pack-n-play, walker, swing, and then all the regular stuff (diapers, formula, wipes, clothes, extra clothes, and more clothes... blankets, car seat, stroller... the list is endless)* go back to Walmart and get the stuff I forgot* finish up all laundry some is done!* put clean sheets on all the beds so when we get home everything will be clean and fresh* clean out the truck and sweep it *clean out the fridge and precook and freeze some food for the family.* work today*take Gabe to get his shots at 2 p.m.*pay the bills that are due this week and next so I dont have to worry about it later*plan and buy the stuff for Abby's bday party on the 22ndOk, so I got some things accomplished... the things are blue are done... still leaves quite a bit though...I called and my surgery is set for 7:30 a.m. I'm FIRST!! hehe I wanted to be first!I have to be at the hospital at 6 a.m. though, which means we leave here at 4! EEK!!!

2 days, 14 hrs., 7 mins..... [Edit Post]on April 13, 2007 6:41 amPublished
til the 16th!!! Yikes! I went to Walmart yesterday and bought a ton of stuff but forgot, gauze, tape and the Fleet's Phospho-Soda for the bowel prep. sheesh. I should've known. lol I have a ton of stuff to get done the next couple days. *call the hospital between 4 and 6 p.m. to get the time of my surgery!* pack for the hospital* pack the kids stuff for the days I'll be in the hospital and they'll be staying with family. This is not easy when it includes and 8 yrs old, an almost 5 yrs old and an 8 month old baby and Grammy wants the pack-n-play, walker, swing, and then all the regular stuff (diapers, formula, wipes, clothes, extra clothes, and more clothes... blankets, car seat, stroller... the list is endless)* go back to Walmart and get the stuff I forgot* finish up all laundry* put clean sheets on all the beds so when we get home everything will be clean and fresh* clean out the truck and sweep it *clean out the fridge and precook and freeze some food for the family.* work today*take Gabe to get his shots at 2 p.m.*pay the bills that are due this week and next so I dont have to worry about it later*plan and buy the stuff for Abby's bday party on the 22ndI guess that's all I can think of right now... I'm sure there are more!! I need to make a huge list and just chekc things off as I go. I am so afraid I'm going to forget something like chapstick or my CPAP when I go to the hospital. My brain just feels overloaded right now!I guess in a way that is good thing, b/c I'm sitting around thinking about all of the "what if's". I was really nervous but after going to church Wednesday and having the church and pastor pray for me, I feel so much peace. I am in God's hands and that is safest place to be. :)I was going to try to get all of my clothes organized by sizes, but I think I'll wait and save that for when I get home and I'm bored. lol I am starting a liquid diet today. Dr.'s orders are clear liquids and bowel prep on Sunday and that was it, but I'm feeling so bloated and nasty and nauseous that I'm starting today. I feel like I'm in the zone and am ready to start now. I ate like a hog yesterday and laid in bed last night feeling awful. That last month has been a month of last suppers and I'm done. I will never feel like that again. Ever. :) That is so freeing.

5 days....pre-op [Edit Post]on April 10, 2007 9:24 amPublished
5 days pre-op...
Well, well, well.... 5 days to go. I had a moment of panic last night. I had accidently stumbled across the memorial section at OH.com and saw a few people who went in for surgery and never came out. Sort of unnerving. Obviously I do not want to die. I am doing for health and life. Thanks to Danyele I came to my senses again and came down off the ledge. It is so true that this thing is 90% mental...And so it's positive thoughts from here on out. I will not die, but live. I will see my children grow and have babies. I will be around for a long time. I found some scriptures that I am holding on to for peace and comfort and encouragment...Psalm 121:7The Lord will keep you from all evil; He will keep your life.Isaiah 58:8Then shall your light break forth like the morning, and your healing (your restoration and the power of a new life) shall spring forth speedily; your righteousness (your rightness, your justice, and your right relationship with God) shall go before you [conducting you to peace and prosperity], and the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.Psalms 118:17I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD. There were many more, but I've pasted them into a word doc. and plan on printing them out and taking them to the hospital with me. So aside from being nervous, I am starting to get excited. When I look at my closet and all the clothes I have in there... I can't wait to wear them again. It is going to be awesome for once to walk in my closet, go to put something on and find that it is LOOSER instead of TIGHTER!!! hahaha! I have tons of clothes...everything from size 28 down to size 10-12. When it comes to the weight loss side I am so ready!! I also can't wait to be able to be loving towards my husband without feeling like a whale and so self conscious. I can't wait to RUN. I can't wait to JUMP. I can't wait to walk into a room w/ confidence again. I can't wait for the real me to show itself again. This fat suit I live in now is not me!!! It is a wall of protection that I built...but guess what.. it failed me. It didn't keep pain out... in fact it only made it worse. I was unable to protect myself w/ food, fat or anything thing else. The bottom line is that people fail. They don't always do the right thing. Sometimes they do hurt you. But hurting yourself first to keep them from hurting you makes no sense. Self medicating w/ food doesn't work. It only makes it worse. I have to tell my best friend, my drug, my coping mechinism, my addiction, goodbye. It won't be easy. She's been with me for my entire life. She was there during the childhood trama I experienced. She got me through, issues in H.S. When I was alone, pregnant and hurting she got me through. During money problems, kid issues, husband stuff, home life, church problems, life in gerenal, my good friend, FOOD has been through it all with me. Never failing, never faultering, as I tried to stuff that vast void with something, food was always there. In the end though, food wasn't even a true friend. She's kept me locked in a prision of self doubt and low self esteem. Monday starts a new chapter in my life. A chapter of freedom. A chapter of hope and renewal. I get a "do-over" and I won't mess it up this time.

March 2007- part 3

PAT DAY and 25 days pre-op... [Edit Post]on March 22, 2007 4:08 pmPublished
Ok first of all, I weighed the same today as I did at my consult on Feb. 6! Go me!! I was proud. Now, let me tell you about my adventuresome day...It started last night actually...Since I had to be on the road by 5 a.m. I decided to stay over night at my mom's house with the kids instead of trying to get everyone and dressed that early. It was good for the kids, but omgosh! I had ZERO sleep. Gabe was so hyped up being away from home, that he was up til midnight! Then I had to get up at 4 a.m.! :zzzzzz: I made it on the road by 5 a.m. though and making great time. It takes about an hr and half to get there and I was actually going to be alittle early. Around 6:15 I was on the phone w/ DJ while he was getting ready for work and all the sudden I heard a huge BOOM! I thought someone hit me, but actually my tire had blown out. I got off to the side of the freeway and got out and sure enough, my tire on the back passenger side was in shredds! It was still dark and I was almost in down town Cleveland. The traffic was whipping by and I had no idea how to change the tire. I called DJ back and he said he'd come rescue me, but it would take an hour for him to get to me. It was so scary standing on the side of the road with these semis zooming by... it shook the expedition, the ground, everything! I ended up calling Mr. Roadside Rescue and they had a guy out there in about 20 mins. He got me all fixed up and back on the road by 7:30ish. I called hospital and told them I was on my way and only ended up being about 30 mins. late. I went in and got registered w/ a very nice lady who was also a baratric patient, 3 yrs post op. She looked great and told me the BEST news of the day! I DON"T HAVE TO GIVE UP COFFEE!!!! Next I did the pulmonary function tests. These made me dizzy and then I had to cough a lot after. LOL I have haven't smoked for 7 yrs but they could still see some damage I had done to my lungs way back then. Isn't that crazy?Next was the EKG, nursing questionaire, and blood workup. After that we headed upstairs for coffee and breakfast... we had tons of paperwork to fill out and had to speak w/ several different staff memebers.I met some great people too! In fact, one of the other ladies has her surgery on the same day as I do! I guess that's all for now... I have a lot of material to digest right now and Im' exhausted from the drive and getting up so early. Night!

30 days pre-op... [Edit Post]on March 17, 2007 7:31 amPublished
30 days. My entire life will change in 30 days. I have been tempted to focus on my surgery date and allow myself to become ansty and impatient and yet I dont' want to wish my life away. When I was 8, I couldn't wait to be 10. Then at 10, 13 was the next goal. To be a teenager! At 13, I wanted to be 16 so I could drive. At 16, I wanted to be 18 so I could be an adult and buy cigs! lol Of course, once at 18, I wanted to be 21. Once I hit 21, I really didn't worry about age anymore... instead I found myself pregnant 3 times and each time I've found myself crossing the days off the calendar up until my due dates. Watching 40 weeks crawl by painfully slow! Now I look at an 8 yr. old, an almost 5 yr old and a 7 1/2 month old baby and think, where did the time go??I'm refusing to do that when it comes to the time tables for this surgery. To be completely honest part of it is b/c I could die on April 16th. I don't want to spend the last 30 days of my life wishing them away. Does that sound morbid? Maybe and yet I think I'm in the middle of learning a life lesson here.Yesterday I celebrated my 28th birthday. I'm not old by any means and yet the aging process is starting to get to me. I mean, afterall, I remember my parents being 28 yrs old. I remember where we lived, what we did for fun, how they dressed and acted. I recall how uncool I thought they were. Ha! Now I look in the mirror and see my 28 yr old self and think, where did the time go?My parents will both be turning 50 this year. I bet they are asking the same question.And so... I sit here 30 days pre-op and though I am excited and really wanting to get this thing over with, I am fighting tooth and nail to keep from wishing my life away anymore. I've lived in this fat suit for years. I've had the fat girl mentality since childhood and in 30 days I'll be able to start letting those things go. I am so ready, but believe me, I'm gonig to enjoy life to its fullest for the next 30 days.


34 days pre-op [Edit Post]on March 13, 2007 7:04 amPublished
I just want to say that, I hope my journey can be a help to people who are concerning the surgery and I'm not afraid to write about my experiences here. I'm glad I have this forum.OK...so on the preparation front... let's see...All day yesterday I spent feeling nervous. I'd think of the surgery and wave of nausea would pass over me. Just plain fear I guess. Today I feel excitement. I stepped on the scale this morning... 267. So I have offically gained about 9 lbs in the last month. I am going to get that back off before surgery. I read a wonderful comment on OH.com yesterday and it has stuck with me. A woman was talking about a pre-surgery diet that she has to follow and a poster replied and said, "Don't be upset about having to follow a diet pre-surgery...afterall, this is weight that you will lose and KEEP OFF FOREVER!! You'll never have to lose those lbs. again."That was a huge wow moment. In one month my yo-yo dieting...up 50 lbs... down 60 lbs.. up 30... down 60... etc. etc. will be no more!! Sure, I realize some WLS patients do gain 10 or 15 lbs after all is said is done... BUT I will NEVER EVER EVER be where I am now again. EVER. PERIOD.I feel so free knowing that. It gives me hope. That I made the right choice in having this surgery. I can't wait.


I'VE GOT A DATE!!!! [Edit Post]on March 12, 2007 11:10 amPublished
Pre-admission testing will be March 22, 2007Surgery date is April 16, 2007!!!!! 35 days to go....My head is so full right now!!! I have so much to do... so much to get ready...so much to plan for! WOW!

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IT'S OFFICAL!!!! Waiting is over... [Edit Post]on March 9, 2007 8:01 amPublished
As soon as I hung up the phone, it rang again and was LaTonya!! She had the authorazation and was letting me know that she was giving my chart to the scheduler! :D I'll have a date soon!!! And now I wait some more!! hehehehe

March 2007-part 2

Awaiting Approval...day 5 [Edit Post]on March 9, 2007 7:46 amPublished
Ok.. So technically, I'm approved... but still waiting for the "official" letter. If anything, this whole process is trying to teach me patience!!In fact, I've already spoke to LaTonya this a.m. and am now on hold with my insurance company again. :) I want to make sure the letter went out yesterday as they said it would. They also said they would call CCBS, but that hasn't happened yet either.I didn't call yesterday at all so I'm entitled to an update today. :D Right? hehe I'm bad......brb......OK... the letter went out yesterday morning! :D Yippee!!!


Awaiting Approval...day 4 [Edit Post]on March 8, 2007 6:11 amPublished
So the crazy dreams have started... Last night I had dream that someone from CCBS came to my house to schedule my surgery. I couldn't find my "paperwork" and she was threatening to cancel on me if I couldn't. At the same time someone was wanting to borrow a prom dress from me and my mom was waiting for me to get ready to go to NYC. LOL CRAZY!!! Finally, in my dream, she gave me a surgery date on my birthday... March 16th. LOL Wouldn't that be nice! Any time there is something big coming up I start having crazy dreams. So back to reality...I wonder if my approval letter will really go out today. I'm trying to keep busy and not let myself just sit and think about it all the time. Life goes on and I wait some more.


Awaiting Approval...day 3 [Edit Post]on March 7, 2007 8:20 amPublished
I just got off the phone with Anthem pre-certs and got the verbal approval!! :) She said that I have been approved and that my file is with the ins. nurse right now and she is finalizing everything and giving it the final ok. The letter should be mailed out no later than tomorrow!! I don't think it has set in yet. I'm happy and yet I'm scared more now than ever! AHHH!! My mind is racing... there is so much to do! YAY!!! This is really happening!

Out of the mouth of babes... [Edit Post]on March 6, 2007 10:44 amPublished
Abby and I were just in the kitchen making lunch together. I said, "Wow Abby...mommy's surgery is coming right up!" She turned and hugged me and said, "When you're skinny you'll be able to hold me on your lap and I won't slip off!"Sobering moment. How did I ever let myself get to this point! Thank God for WLS! And that folks, is why I'm doing this.

Awaiting approval...day 2 [Edit Post]on March 6, 2007 10:03 amPublished
I spoke with pre-certs this a.m. Wanted to make sure they had my stuff. I read horror stories here about faxes being lost and weeks passing before anyone noticed. That isn't going to happen to me!!I spoke with the nicest girl and she went and grabbed my fax out of the pile and put it to the top so that it would be reviewed today!! How amazing is that?! She said I'll have an answer by this afternoon or tomorrow by the lastest! Can you believe it?!?!?! I'm so excited, nervous, anxious, happy, scared, etc.... so much going through my head right now!!! This is really happening!!I

March 2007- part 1

IT'S BEEN SUBMITTED! [Edit Post]on March 5, 2007 2:18 pmPublished
And so now... I wait some more!! HAHAHA!! Now I get to drive myself batty worrying about whether they'll approve me or not! lol I think mentally the wait does serve a purpose although I haven't decided if it's good or bad. I am trying to keep busy w/ work and my family so I don't think about it too much, but sometimes my thoughts over take me and I can't help but sit and think about how things are going to change and how much I hope it's for the better. While driving, I imagine how great it will be when I will be able to drive with out my stomach nearly touching the steeringwheel. While taking a shower I think about the changes I'm going to see in my body. While taking care of the kids, I think about what a better mommy I'm going to be. When I'm getting up and down off the couch, going upstairs, cleaning, working, laying in bed, and cooking, I am always thinking about how things are going to change. It is exciting and scary all at once. People say that WLS doesn't fix all of your problems, but I must say I know it's going to make life a whole lot easier in general. By the time, Gabe is 2 I'll be able to take him to the park, to the beach... to anywhere and I'll be able to keep up!!We are planning a trip to Disney World in the summer of 2008. I want to be at goal by then. I know I can. I want to ride every ride...wear a bathing suit...walk all day and not get tired or winded. I want to run and play. I will be free of this FAT by then!!!! I can't wait!!!

ugh [Edit Post]on March 3, 2007 2:10 pmPublished
Still no word.

well... [Edit Post]on March 1, 2007 9:42 amPublished
I talked to LaTonya yesterday...she got the ok from the surgeon's psychologist and now she really has EVERYTHING she needs and says she will FAX it to my insurance company today or tomorrow. I had to hold back from BEGGING her to JUST DO IT!!!! It looks like I'll end up w/ an April date at this point. On the weight front... I was still 265 this a.m....but am ON PLAN today...trying to lowcarb so I can get back down to 255 at least, since we aren't supposed to be gaining anything while waiting. I had 1 scrambled egg, 3 sausage patties and 2 oz of cheese for breakfast. Now I'm chugging black coffee. I have the WORST headache ever, but I'm not going to stop. I am huge. Seriously. I'm only 5 ft 1 in and I am really starting to "feel" this weight. I'm miserable. I took a shower this morning and kept dropping stuff and it was almost impossible to bend down and pick the stuff up w/o my headache pounding and making me feeling like I was going to fall over. That is discusting. To let myself get this far. I can't go up and down stairs anymore without getting so winded. I can't hide it anymore either. It used to be that when I'd get winded like that, I could hide it. I'd hold my breath for a minute then breath really slow and as quiet as possible until my heart stopped beating out of my chest. Now I can't do that. I just have to hold on to something, and huff and puff and wait. This is NOT how my life was supposed to be. I'm only 28! I have kids I want to run and play with!!WLS is going to be the greatest tool ever!! I WILL get this weight off and I will weigh 120 lbs!!!!