Before!

5/19/07

Not in the club...

So it's time for this post. And remember this is MY blog and I'll say what I want.


So...

I am not in the self loathing, fat girls club. I have hated my fat, but I've never hated me. I've been annoyed with my size and the way I PERCEIVE that people treat me, but all in all I've been a very happy, beautiful, fun, nice chubby girl for most of my life. I've had my moments of depression I suppose, don't we all? Overall, though I haven't allowed my weight to be my crutch. You know the "excuse" as to why I'm not what I could be? Yeah, well I don't go there.

That being said, I should also let you all you blog readers know that in 2005 I weighed 179 lbs. (for a day) but I stayed around 180 lbs for most of 2005. Granted I still was about 50 lbs overweight, I was pretty normal sized, could shop in any store, wore about a 12-14 and I hated me. Looking back, I hate how rude I was. How I thought everyone should worship me. I swore every man that spoke to me was interested in me, and I almost left my husband. And though I didn't "cheat", I did have some relationships that were very close to the line of deal breaking behavior. I got a job and neglected my family. Deep inside I was miserable. I looked great on the outside, but inside I was worse than ever.

That December I found out I was pregnant with Gabe. At first, I was shocked but I was happy. DJ and I had decided to stay together and make things work and now looking back, Gabe was the best thing that could've happened.

During that pregnancy I gained 95 lbs. Yes, from December 2005 until August 2006 I GAINED 95 lbs. Our marriage became the strongest it's ever been and I became "Amber" again. Not that stranger that losing weight made me.

After Gabe was born, I tried to lose weight but couldn't get it off. My highest weight before had been 240 in 2002, and now here I was at 275 lbs. and discouraged! How could I ever get back below 200?

After several months and finally deciding on WLS here I am on the journey to get there and beyond. So here's the point of the entire blog.

In my real life, I know about 6 people PERSONALLY, who are close friends of mine who have had gastric bypass. For 5 of them, their lives have only improved. They are the same people, only a bit smaller. They didn't turn into whores sleeping around and partying their heads off, forgetting all their responsibilities in life, and destroying their bodies with other things to replace the lack of food. One got married and just had a baby a few months ago. She is still mantaining her weight loss after 3 yrs. Another, had surgery 6 yrs ago., is still at goal. Her kids are now married and out of the hosue and she and her husband are closer and more loving than ever. The third, had surgery in 2001, went back to college and now has a career and though she's gained back about 20 lbs., is still doing amazingly well and is very happy with her family and husband as well. The others have similar positive outcomes and are still the people I knew before.

On the other hand, there is one who is a mess. She left her husband and kids, got involved in the party scene (at 45 yrs old) and is now addicted to prescription drugs. She is below goal but looks old and tired and is always sick and depressed. She is not the same person at all. I dont' know this "new" person at all and it's sad.

With all that being sad, and with my own experiences with losing 85 lbs. in 2005, I am DETERMINED to not allow this weight loss to change who I am. I know there are so many outward things that will change and I do embrace that. I want change, but not at the cost of my family. My husband and my children are so important to me. I am doing this for me, but for them too. So that I can be a better wife and mom. So that I can move and run and be there for them years from now. Not so that I can lose the weight and end up alone b/c I allowed the weight loss to drown me in pride and haughtiness. I dont want to alienate my family or friends b/c I think I'm "all that".

I'm only a little over a month post op, and yet I've already lost friends over this. People that I thought would be there no matter what. HA! They ran for the hills weeks ago.

Who has been here for me this entire time? My family. My husband is the greatest man in the world. He loves me for me. He wiped my butt in the hosptial for goodness sake! He married me when I was fat, but I know he's excited to see what body comes out of all this. lol I am too!

I guess that the whole point of this blog is that I don't know the future, but having been in the minority of most WLS patients in the fact that I was almost to my goal only 2 yrs ago, it is fresh in my mind how NOT to act when the weight drops off. It makes me sad to read some peoples blogs from start finish and you can hear the change in their writing. They used to be a down to earth friendly person and now they are some egotisical prideful nut who isn't even as pretty as they think they are. Skinny doesn't always equal beauty.

3 comments:

Tonya said...

Thank you for sharing your experience in such a candid way. Can't wait to read more.

Lingerie Lady said...

I wish there were some way to teach us how to handle the emotional changes after WLS like we can learn about nutrition. Trial and error sucks sometimes. :)

Deluzy said...

My guess? You sound pretty grounded and know who and what you are. I was at a point in my life where I was as well, and while I'm PROFOUNDLY grateful for the DS, my restored health, and improved appearance, it has not rocked the foundations of my world.

It helps not to hate yourself fat. I didn't either, though I didn't *enjoy* being fat.

You're going to be okay. ;)