10 weeks:

Much better...

I have gotten my act back together so to speak. Yesterday was a good food day and today is going well also. The scale still isn't being kind, but that's ok. I deserve it.

I worked 5 hrs this a.m. and now am going to mop the kitchen/bathroom and will do my 2 mile walk. As you see, by my exercise log, I haven't done it in 5 days.

I'm STILL spotting which sucks, b/c it's almost time for my cycle to start again and it really never has ended completely. Blah. One more month of this and things should level out. I hope.

I'm making Chicken Cordon Bleu for dinner tonight. (Thanks Baratric Eating...) I made Zucchini Boats last night and they were fantastic. So fantastic, in fact, that when I went to grab one for lunch today I discovered DJ had eaten the last 3 (THREE!!!). I settled for deli turkey, cheese, tomato, lt. miracle whip and a squirt of mustard on 1/2 a Flat Out wrap. Totally not the same, but food is food, right?

If you can't tell I'm avoiding. Avoiding talking about REAL issues. I am not even sure I have words to describe how I'm feeling right now. I wish I could write. I mean really write. You know, like the professional bloggers I read. The ones who can articulate exactly what is going on and how they feel about it. They paint such a clear picture with their words. I, on the other hand, am lucky if I can express my frustration with DJ's eating the last of the zucchini boats without sounding like a 2nd grader.

Ugh. So many thoughts, but how do I get them out of this head of mine??

Perhaps, I should just start writing. one. word. after. another. until. it's. all. out. there.

I'll work it.

For now I'll just say that I can't believe how many haters there are in my life and how dissappointed I am to hear them accuse me of "changing" as a person already, when I know for a fact, I'm not doing anything or acting any different.

Can't anyone just be happy for me??


Wake Up

The last 3 days have been bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. I have done ZERO exericse. I have eaten not so healthy choices. I have seen no movement on the scale. (Obviously)
It stops today. I really want to explore why I let this happen.

First of all, it started on Tuesday. I woke up and started my day by skipping breakfast. First mistake. Next, I nibbled on a tiny bit of pork for "lunch" before running out the door to the pool. By 3 p.m. I was starving. (Old habits!!!) I grabbed a taco "salad" from the only restaurant in town there. I ate too fast and let myself eat a couple chips. I felt sick immediately. Dumb.

Did it stop there? No.

Wednesday I ate some good but some bad too... I did fine until dinner time and the family wanted to go out. I ordered a grilled cheese on whole wheat and cole slaw. Ate a couple bites of the cole slaw but it wasn't going down well... ended up feeding my sandwich to Gabe and I ate about 1/2 a piece of cheese, 1/2 a piece of bread and 5 french fries dipped in ranch. ugh.

Yesterday I was on the go all day and ate a few bites out of a KFC chicken bowl, and finished the night off w/ Domino's thin crust pizza.

You can check yesterday out on my fitday link.

So... why am I confessing all of this?

I'm not sure, but I know it's emotional eating and I am deteremined to deal with my emotions and get control over this before my appetite and capacity for eating more returns.

I ate 1.5 pieces of thin crust pizza. In the past, I'd have eaten nearly the whole pizza so I'm not really conserned with that right now. What I AM concerned with is the FEELINGS I had when I was going for that pizza.

I've been feeling very emotional lately. AND my hormones are a mess. TOM never did stop when I thought it did and so I've almost been bleeding for a month now. That isn't good. When the pizza arrived (That DJ actually ordered) I smelled it and those old feelings came rushing back. In fact, as I was getting it out of the box I coudln't help but stuff a piece of pepperoni in my mouth.

When I used to binge I would get this "surge" where I couldn't shovel it in fast enough. I couldn't even taste it I would eat so fast and just keep shoveling it in until I felt like I could burst.

It freaked me out to feel that surge. Of course I had to stop after a tiny bit, but I seriously need to not allow that "surge" to come over me. I need a new outlet. I need to learn how to deal with my emotions. But how?

Right now I'm at a loss.

I can tell you one thing. Eating junk is over. I stocked up my cupboards and fridge yesterday with nothing but healthy foods. I made a menu for the week with recipes I got from baratric eating and I will not let myself get out of control again like that. I don't know what it's going to take, but I'm going to do this. I AM going to reach my goals and I will fight tooth and nail to keep from being a WLS statistic that gains their weight back.

I've come too far already to go back.



10 weeks update

We had a very busy weekend. Cedar Point was a blast and I fit on every ride I went on. Woo hoo! lol I can't believe how nervous I was about that. Anyway... that will never happen again. By next summer I'll be at goal or below!

This a.m. I weighed 229 which puts me down 4 lbs. for the week. yay! TOM finally stopped after about 20 days or so. Ick.

I am in the 220's too!! :) That 199 mark is getting very close! :D

I am off to get some coffee and then walk my 2 miles!



Boy did it ever raise it's ugly head today.

Just got a phone call from a member of DJ's family and was informed that they were trying to lose weight the "hard way" as I had taken the "easy way out".

I prompty told them to save their drama for their mama and hung up the phone.

Idiots. Seriously.

I started b/c I made the comment to my SIL that this person had not lost their baby weight. That was all I said. Nothing less, nothing more. That turned into... "You said I'm fat, and that my mom has gained back her weight too..But just to let you know we're doing it the hard way, not the easy way like you". Whatev.

Toxic person. Adios.

There is no room for people like this in my life.

I did call SIL who I love dearly and it was traced back to her repeating the comment I had made. I am not denying that I said this person had not lost baby weight. I did say it. But not with malice, I just looked at a pic and made a comment.

It isn't like no one ever commented on my weight behind my back. It happens. It's what we woman do. Sorry, but it's the truth.

People have always been jealous of me. Fat or not. I am a talented singer, a good mom, I have a great family and home, a wonderful husband, gorgeous, adorable kids... And now I'm getting fit and they can't handle it.

Oh well. Fire away, but understand that I don't care. I like me. And I'm proud of what I'm doing. You can call it, "the easy way out" all you want to. Your words don't effect me anymore. This Amber, doesn't need your approval.

Exercise Update

I just did 2.25 miles.

1st mile in 20 mins.
2nd mile in 16 mins!!!!! I cranked it up, turned on some dance music and went for it. The sweat was ROLLING down my forehead but omgosh do I ever feel awesome right now!!!
Then I went ahead and did .25 miles for a cool down.

This does feel good. ;)

P.S. I'm adding an exercise chart on the side as well.


This is huge...

I am taking a big step here....
I've been slacking in the formal exercise deptmartment. Everyday seems so busy and I'm always so tired. (I know part of this is b/c I'm STILL on TOM after 17 days...) Anyway, I went grocery shopping today, paid bills, etc. Cooked dinner, cleaned up and worked on some laundry and was sitting in my chair at 7 p.m. and all of a sudden I decided I was going to walk. I honestly didn't feel like it, but really who feels like exercising? LOL

So... I got up. Put on my socks and shoes and went to the basement, turned "Everybody Loves Raymond" on the tv and off I went. I did my 2 miles and am back upstairs 40 mins. later. I am so glad I did it. Honestly, it is getting easier every time... and sooo.... here comes the huge part.

I'm making a commitment before God and you people ;)

I, Amber, vow to walk 2 miles, 4 times a week from here on out.

I will do it.


ho hum

I started back to work this week. It is nice to work from home, but on the flip side, it's hard to get my booty back into gear after taking so much time off. In fact, I worked about 7 hrs on Monday, then about 3 on Tuesday and shampooed my carpets and I was zonked out on my couch by 5 p.m. and stayed there until 9:30. Sleep, glorious, sleep. :) It was one of those naps that you wake from knowing you hit REM and your body loved every minute of it. haha!
The bad side though was that I was up until 4 a.m. then back up at 7:30 a.m. this morning.

So... here I sit on Wednesday, late morning, and am trying to figure out what to do next. I could...

put laundry away
clean the upstairs


sit here blog.

As you can see, I've gone with the later for the moment.

Gabe is sleeping and the girls are outside playing. It's nice.

So what shall I talk about? OH!

Let's talk about food.

I ate crackers and cheese yesterday afternoon and threw up for the first time since surgery. Serves me right I suppose. As I mentioned before, I worked and shampooed carpets yesterday and forgot about eating. I drank some fluids but that was about it. Didn't even get my vitamins in for the first time since surgery. Bad me. So anyway, at about 4 I decided I was hungry, but nothing sounded good and the kids were eating Ritz crackers and American cheese. I joined in.

About 30 mins. later I was hanging over the toilet "spitting up" like a little baby but felt so much better getting that little bit out. I had had a headache and had taken 2 Tylenol w/ the cheese and crackers. Something was stuck and it had to come out. It was all a weird sort of feeling but I was glad when it passed.

So today, I wake up, have my usual homemade latte and try to figure out what to eat. I have no idea. Nothing sounds good. I'll start to eat something and after one bite I have to throw it out. Is that normal? I'm going to get some groceries tomorrow and I suppose I'm going back to refried beans, cottage cheese, yogurt and chicken salad. Everything else is ick right now.

I'm only eating about 600 calories a day and my surgeon says 800+ or I'll stop losing. I have a mind battle about that. I will not FORCE myself to eat if I can't. I will get in the protein and that's it. I'm not going to make myself eat when I'm not hungry. I just don't see a point in that. And I certainly am not going to add calories just to see a number on the fitday screen. Maybe I'm wrong?? I dunno. If the whole "starvation mode" thing is true, then how are anorexic people so tiny?? Wouldn't thier bodies hold on to their weight??

So at any rate, I'll eat when I'm hungry and when I can stomach it.

Oh, and my surgeon also wanted me off protein shakes at 6 weeks out. He says they don't keep you full enough and he wants us eating a protein bar instead. Ew. I'd rather have the shakes. Seriously. Protein bars make me feel queasy and gross.

Everyone says follow what your surgeon says though....Ugh.

At this point though, if hunger isn't an issue than I'm going to stick with the shakes if I need a supplement. Afterall, if I notice that they aren't keeping me full, I'll know to switch to a bar or a more dense protein at that point.

I did some math. At 9 weeks out, I have lost 28.4% of my excess body weight. :) Pretty darn good!


9 weeks--41 lbs.

233 lbs. this a.m. and down 41 lbs. (44 since pre op liquid diet). Not too shabby.

I wore a size 16 skirt yesterday. It was a STRETCHY denim skirt, but the tag said 16 so I allowed myself to feel ok about that. Before I would've told myself that I wasn't allowed to be proud of that b/c it was a stretchy material and not a true 16 BUT with my new mindset, I looked in the mirror and said, "You look pretty good today!", walked out the door and felt super all day. :)

I went back to work this week. I work at home so my hours are totally flexable but it's been an adjustment going back after being off for 8 weeks. I need the $ for new clothes though!! LOL

I do have a bit of stress in the back of my mind. We are going to Cedar Point this weekend, and I am scared to death that I won't fit on some of the rides. I am almost afraid to even try. I haven't been there for a few years and I can't even remember how much I weighed last time....Ugh.

Well I'm off. I'm shampooing carpets today!


Holy Inches Batman...

All I can say is wow. I'll stop complaining now.

(I regret not measuring pre-op...but here's what I have)

3 weeks post op:
neck: 14.5
shoulders: 51
upper arm R:17
upper arm L: 17.5
forearm R:11.5
forearm L:11.25
wrist R:6.5
wrist L:6.5
belly button:54.5
bust: 51
upper stomach: 52
lower stomach: 57.5
upper thigh R: 29.5
upper thigh L: 29.25
calf R:17
calf L:17.25
ankle R:8.75
ankle L:9

neck: 13.5
upper arm R:16.75
upper arm L: 16.5
forearm R:11
forearm L:11
wrist R: 6.25
wrist L: 6.25
belly button: 49.5
bust: 46.5
underbust: 40
upper stomach: 45
lower stomach: 54.75
hips: 48.25
upper thigh R: 27.5
upper thigh L: 27.25
calf R: 16.5
calf L: 16.5
ankle R: 8.75
ankle L: 9

Down a total of 37.5 inches from 3 weeks post op to 2 months post op.


I am 2 months out today. Where does the time go??
I am down 39 lbs. Missed my 2 month goal by 1 lb. That's ok though. I'm STILL on TOM. Stupid Mirena. I'll be glad when I get to the no TOM part, but for right now, this is not fun! 10 days and STILL going. I'm sort of getting worried about losing too much blood and getting anemic. I don't know if that can happen or not.

Anyway... I "feel" smaller, even though the scale hasn't moved. I'm probably just imagining it, but oh well. :) haha!

Food is really losing it's appeal. It's very weird for me to not think about food all the time. I'd just rather not eat half of the time. Again, weird. That's what I did this for so I'm happy.

Still trying to make exercise a habit. I'll do it once and then I'll get lazy for a few days.

OK let's talk about body changes. I stood naked in front of the mirror last night and let me tell you... what I saw is not pretty. LOL My stomach is totally deflating BUT my skin... Iy yi yi. It's all wrinkly and dimpley looking. Ew. My stomach is starting to look like a deflated balloon. I told my husband that as ugly as it is, I wish I would've taken some semi nude shots. Ones that would show my skin changes. Maybe I will start now since I still have over 100 lbs. to lose. On the other hand, do I really want to "remember" looking like this?? I dunno.

The girls went to a camp out last night with some friends and had a ball. I can't wait to be able to do stuff like that. Camp, swim in public, run, jump, hike, all of those things I've avoided for years. In time.

I HAVE to stop comparing my weight loss with others. I keep reading about people in my April2007 group who have already hit the 50 lbs. mark. I so want to be there!! We are heading to Cedar Point next Sat. and I really really wanted to be in the 220's by then. I'd have to lose 6 lbs. between now and then. I don't see it happening. :(

It's a daily struggle to find joy in the journey... but I'm going to keep trying!


Addicted to the camera...

I have found that I am suffering from transfer addiction. I take pics of myself constantly. LOL
Here are the ones from the last night...


New Mindset

So I am 58 days post op today. That is 8 weeks, 2 days. I am down 38 lbs. I can walk two miles in 40 mins. LOL I am eating well, and drinking about 58-64 oz of fluids a day.
I am getting a lot of compliments from people noticing my weight loss. That is nice to hear. I do struggle with body image so badly though. In my mind, I know I've lost 38 lbs. and I know there is a difference but then when I think about that fact that I still have over 100 lbs. to lose, it seems so daunting and out of reach. I feel just as fat as ever and like I've really not made much progress.
I have this number in my mind... and I've allowed myself to think that once I get to that number I can feel OK about me. There is something wrong with that I know, and yet I can't get it out my mind. It is like nothing I do is worth anything until I reach that number.
Now I am trying to realize that I must find joy in the journey and not just in the destination.



I just walked 2 miles on my treadmill. It took 40 mins., but I did it.



OK so I can move my arm again. (That's good news, right?)


Now I have the flu. Or some form of the aftergastricbypassIcan'tthrowupbutitcancomeoutotherways flu. I've stayed near the toilet all day. Oh the joy. Ugh. I forced down a protein drink earlier, and then some mashed potatoes and turkey (which I'm totally regretting now) but otherwise, it's been 8 oz of crystal light and now working on water. Blah.


TOM started last night. The cramps. Ouch. :( Popping a couple Motrin used to work wonders. Now I'm screwed.

So there you have it. TMI and all.

On to better things....

I am down 36 lbs. at this point, but I'm already seeing a pattern. This is where the weight slows a bit, but everything starts rearranging. Clothes start fitting wierd and people make comments about me losing more weight. Isn't it funny how that happens? The week I lose 5 lbs. no one says a word...but the next week, when I've only lost 1 everyone notices a change. Huh.

OH! I got a tredmill today too and I was so darn excited I walked a mile on it. It was a 24 mins. mile, BUT I did it. Sick and all, I walked. :) I'm a teensy bit proud of that. Even considering the fact that when I got done I nearly fell over... a small price to pay to be able to say I did it. Now I have no excuse.

I also cleaned my entire house, top to bottom this week, have all the laundry caught up and working on washing blankets right now. So maybe I do have more energy than I thought. ;)



A lot has been going on and my arm is hurting so I can't type much. I guess I'll do a few bullet updates. :)

Arm Situation: Had the ultrasound this a.m. No blood clots. (I could've told them that...) I called my family doc but he is on vacation until next Monday... said to follow the instructions of the ER doc and then come see him Mon. So I'm on Keflex and then something for pain. It is feeling a little better today but is still stiff.

The kids: They have all been throwing up all day. Ugh. I thought with warm weather they'd stop getting sick! Guess not yet.

Birth Control: I had my IUD inserted today. Didn't hurt at all. No big deal.

Weight Loss: I am so excited I was able to lose 5 lbs. last week. I really wanted to be 225 by the time we went to Cedar Point on June 23. I probably won't hit that number exactly, but I'd love to even be in the 220's by then. That is my next mini goal!! For right now, food is ok too.


7 Weeks Update!

I lost 5 lbs this week for a total loss of 35 lbs.!! :) I am so happy with that. I'm having some issues w/ my left elbow. I went to the ER last night and the doc said it was Cellulitis, but I have nothing on my skin at all. No cuts, scrapes, bites, nothing. My skin looks fine and the pain is deep inside so... I dunno. Going for a second opinion I think. The pain was so bad yesterday and my elbow was locked in a bent position. Weird stuff. Anyway, hopefully this goes away soon as it is very hard to type and lift Gabe...I am so sick of being in pain and having medical issues. I just want to be back to my old self! I have to get an ultra sound done on my arm this a.m. to rule out a blood clot. I'll update later!



Energy would be good right now, because I'm out. Seriously. So tired.

What's making me this way?

Hannah: Last day of school-tons of lose ends Mommy had to tie up.
Abby: A normal 5 yr. old.
Gabe: Fever for 3 days ending in a lovely head-to-toe rash. Add 4 teeth coming in at once and another ear infection.
DJ: 10 hr. work days.
Me: PMSing, weak, exhausted, my new anatomy....but I'm still going at it.

So...I keep getting reminded that I did this to myself. Yeah, thanks. Too bad I was under the impression that I was going to be gaining energy from the weight loss, not losing it and being more weak and tired than before.

I am only 7 weeks out (on Monday) so I suppose I am probably right where I should be considering that I just had "major surgery".

At any rate, I am down 33 lbs. and that feels great. I went and picked up all of my vitamins today and am getting going on those. My surgeon has you take a chewable multi for the first 6 weeks a long with Pepcid and the Urso. Now that I can swallow pills I will take:


Let's pray they kick in soon!!! Amen.