There is an end to the rope.

For so long, years even, since childhood... I've lived in the, "If I could only... then I'd be happy" lie. Here I sit and I've accomplished all those "if only's" and the pain is still there, deeper than ever. This is a scary place to be. A place without hope. A place filled with pain. I can't see, I can't feel and yet I hurt more deeply than ever. I'm just breathing in and out. In. Out. In.....Out.....


Turning blue...

So last night both of my hands turned blue.... it was very weird and as soon as I would rub them together it would turn pink... as soon as I stopped though, they turned blue again. I looked like the little girl on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I felt fine, except my arms/hands felt cold...but I'm always cold now.

Any ideas about what this was??


7 months!

The scale has gone up a bit in the last couple weeks, as I have found that I can eat again. Well, I could up until yesterday. The scale read 177 lbs this a.m. but that is sure to change now that I'm back on a liquid diet.

I had my braces put on yesterday. Ow. It hurts. Bad. It's good in a way b/c I can totally see me losing these last 40ish lbs now! LOL

Alot has changed in these last months. A lot inside of me. The way I feel and see things. The way I see myself. It's not all good either. I have realized that I have a distorted body image and though I've lost 100 lbs. I feel as big as ever. I can't explain it. I have everyone telling me how good I look but honestly I don't see it. I "know" I'm smaller, but when I look in the mirror I still see fat. I still see imperfection.

I am constantly reminded of a pic I saw on Beth's "post secret" weight loss blog. There was a post card with a pic of a perfect, tight belly and the words, "I thought I'd look like this.." then a pic of a flabby, saggy, deflated belly and the words, "but I look like this." It's so true. Good grief, how true it is. And it sucks. And it messes with my head.

I know I could always have PS, but I'm tired of pain. As I sit here now, unable to chew or talk right, I just can't imagine going through any more pain. In the last year, I've had a baby, had GBS and now have had all this work done on my teeth. I just can't take any more pain.

So that leaves me in the position of having to accept me... the way I am. I have NEVER 100% done that. Has anyone? Is it possible?