May 2007-

19 days post op -May 5, 2007
19 days post-op
Ok so I woke up this a.m. and I "felt" smaller so I *had* to weigh. lolI was down 2 more lbs. which puts me down 21 lbs! YAY! I was hoping I'd hit 20 lbs gone soon!! I went to GNC last night to find some protein that didn't make me gag. I started off with a chocolate protein powder from my aunts vitamin shop. It was ok, but after a week I couldn't drink it anymore. Next, I grabbed some vanilla protein powder from Walmart which tasted just like Slim Fast. I wasn't complaining. It didn't taste horrible and I could get it down, until yesteday a.m. I don't know what happened, but I mixed up my 8 oz. shake and took one sip and almost lost it. I couldn't even smell it without my gag reflex kicking in. Weird! But I hear it's normal. So I found myself at GNC last night spending $55 on Isopure. It is protein powders that mix into a juice like drink instead of a shake. I need a break from the shakes. Plus it's 25g protein for only 6 oz which is nice! It tastes like fruit juice and with ice is pretty good. There is slight, odd aftertaste but so far I'm tolerating it. So anyway, walking into GNC...I felt weird. The whole time I was in there I could "hear" people saying, "What is the fat girl doing in there?"..... Then the two guys that were working were the rudest people. The first one came around the side of the aisle and asked me what I needed. He was a shorter guy, but his chest and arms were huge. I see his ripped muscles through his shirt, bulging. His co-worker was just as buff. I felt like an idiot. He asked me what I needed and I told him Protein Powder and then added, "I just had gastric bypass." My whole face was burning. Humiliation.I know I could've lied about it, but obviously I'm not an athlete or a body builder and I didn't want to hear some comment about how protein powders aren't for weight loss or whatever so I just blurted it out. ugh. He showed me a couple things and that was that. While I standing there looking at the different flavors a little boy came in. The arcade game outside the store had taken his money and he came and told Mr. Muscle, who very rudely replied, "That sucks for you." Mr. Muscle the Second, laughed. They told the little boy to find a security gaurd. "The one who looks like a cop, but is too fat to be one"..... Then after the boy left they laughed about how rude they were. I just wanted to get out of there asap. I made the purchase and walked out, knowing that as soon as I left the store I'd be the next joke. "Did you see the fat girl buying protein?" Hardy har har.It's ok though. This girl won't be fat for long, and every month that I go there and buy my protein they will see me shrink. We'll see who has the last laugh.

16 days post op- May 4, 2007
So I am trying to talk myself into staying off of the scale until Monday. I started TOM yesterday and it was horrible. I was cramping so bad and bloated and had no appetite. I was still the same on the scale yesterday and then up a lb. today. That is going to start frustrating me so I'm wondering if I should just stay off until Monday. I really, really wish I had the strength to do it. I know that there is no way I'm gaining weight, eating 500 calories a day but, if you've read my journal very long then you know what a scale addict I am. So... what to do.. what to do.... Right now I'm keeping it in the kitchen and everytime I walk through I am tempted to step on it. Maybe I should put it up in the closet at least... that way it won't be sitting right there in my face. Let's see... Oh, on the food front. I don't want to eat. Nothing sounds good. Nothing tastes good. It's a whole lotta work for a tiny amount of food. Planning, cooking, blending, mashing, straining, re-heating, etc. I'll be glad when that part is over. Again I stress... there is nothing easy about all this. OK so now I need to decide what kind of exercise I'm going to do once I'm cleared. Right now I'm just walking and need to do more of it (if it would ever stop raining....) but I want to do more. I thought about joining Curves again... Honestly I wish we were closer to the YMCA. The last town we lived in had a rec center/YMCA and it was awesome. It was only 5 mins away, had babysitting and a huge workout room. My choices here are Curves or home DVD's. I really want a tredmil for the house too, but I don't see that happening very soon either. I guess I'll just have to make due with what I have available to me. I'll probably end up at Curves more than likely. DJ and I have talked about turning a portion of the basement into a workout room and the other side a family room. I can't wait til we can do that. That would be ideal with the kids being young. I ordered 12 pairs of flip flops yesterday. lol I was sitting here thinking about how awesome it will be when I can shop for clothes and enjoy it. I look at some of the other post-ops at OH ... the ones who have lost 150 lbs... 160 lbs... and I wonder if I can really do that. I'm only 5 ft. 1 in. and could totally be fine at 120 lbs. I really wish I could get there, but then I hear people voices in my head, "You'll always be pudgy." "You're going to look weird when you're skinny." "You'll never be as small as me."Yes, people have actually said those things to me in the last month. I had a another person tell me, "Well I better start losing weight b/c you can't be skinnier than me!"I mean seriously. What is wrong with people?? At any rate, now I'm wondering if I can actually reach 130, let alone 120. Maybe I'll end up at 150? I just don't know and right now all of those numbers seem out of reach. I look at some of those people though who go from 235 lbs to 110 in 9 months. It is amazing to me. I don't know how they do it. Here I sit though, and I have the same tool as them and yet I wonder if it will work for me. Will I be the one who the surgery doesn't work for? Will my body fight me for every pound? I just don't know. Once again I'm facing the unknown. Next my mind wonders to how I'll look. Will I have a ton of extra skin? I really do not want to face another surgery. I can't imagine the pain of a tummy tuck. The scars I've seen of people who have had them are terrible too. I just dont' think I could do that. But I guess that is the voice of a person who is still in recovery from surgery number 1. lolOnly time will tell I suppose. This is the journey of a lifetime!