April 2007-part 1

16 hrs to go
on April 15, 2007 12:07 pmPublished

It doesn't even seem possible that this day is finally here... in just 16 hrs. the surgery will begin! I am so ready to start my journey and experience my new birth tomorrow!! I am doing all liquids and the bowel prep today. The bowel prep is some NASTY NASTY stuff. No problems with being hungry today. That stuff is making me !!! I had to drink it twice and gagged it down both times. I accidently picked up the "ginger-lemon" flavor... they were out of the unflavored. Omgosh. Never in my life have EVER tasted anything as nasty. I literally had to go mind over matter and make myself swallow. And then I stood over the sink for 5 mins after talking myself out of puking. I am so glad I'm done with that stuff. Now it's trips to the potty and clear liquids for the rest of the day. I can handle that.I have almost everything packed. I am sending DJ to clean out, sweep and wash the Expedition and also having him pick up some nail polish remover and white shoe polish. Remover for me. Shoe polish for the girls. Oh, and he is going to a friends house to pick up "Grey's Anatomy" seasons 1 and 2 on DVD for me to watch during my recovery phase. Love that show!!!We are taking the kids to the family members they are staying with around 8:30 p.m. and then will come back here and hit the hay. We have to be out of house by 4:15 a.m. at the latest. I'm getting ready to color my hair, then shower and throw the last bit of stuff into the suitcase. So I guess that's it. This is really happening. The next time you hear from me I'll be on the loser's side!

tick tock... [Edit Post]on April 14, 2007 10:27 amPublished
42 hours 'til cutting time!! So I'm am like a mad woman getting this house into shape. I can always tell when I'm either mad or nervous b/c I clean. And clean. And clean some more. Today I am going at it but boy it feels good and will feel even better when I get home and can rest and re-coup in a clean house! I have laundry going and am getting ready to throw everyone's bedding in. I love a clean, fresh bed. I cleaned out the fridge and scrubbed everything down in there. Still have the truck to do, but I am assigning that one to DJ. I am packing everyone's stuff as I get the laundry done so that is easy. Ahh... I feel great. I have zero appetite today. I've been sipping coffee all day and water and took one bite of some pizza I fixed for the kids for lunch. I'm just not thinking about food at all. That is so weird to me. I really thought that I'd go wild on this "last day". I guess I really am ready to do this 100% whole heartedly. I'm not saying I won't mourn the loss of food or anything, but I can say that right now, I'm not concerned with it. I'm ready to do this!! I have gotten such great support. It is awesome to see people really back you and believe in something that you are doing. I honestly thought I'd get a lot of negativity here and in my life w/ family and friends around me, but those comments have really been few and far between. Either people are happy for me, or they are following the ole, "if you can't say something nice..." rule. Either way I'm enjoying the absent of negativity. I am going to give myself a manicure tonight...no nail polish though. I am going to wax my eyebrows too. I am so excited!

Trying to get it all done... [Edit Post]on April 13, 2007 10:08 pmPublished
*call hospital at 4 to find out surgery time* pack for the hospital* pack the kids stuff for the days I'll be in the hospital and they'll be staying with family. This is not easy when it includes and 8 yrs old, an almost 5 yrs old and an 8 month old baby and Grammy wants the pack-n-play, walker, swing, and then all the regular stuff (diapers, formula, wipes, clothes, extra clothes, and more clothes... blankets, car seat, stroller... the list is endless)* go back to Walmart and get the stuff I forgot* finish up all laundry some is done!* put clean sheets on all the beds so when we get home everything will be clean and fresh* clean out the truck and sweep it *clean out the fridge and precook and freeze some food for the family.* work today*take Gabe to get his shots at 2 p.m.*pay the bills that are due this week and next so I dont have to worry about it later*plan and buy the stuff for Abby's bday party on the 22ndOk, so I got some things accomplished... the things are blue are done... still leaves quite a bit though...I called and my surgery is set for 7:30 a.m. I'm FIRST!! hehe I wanted to be first!I have to be at the hospital at 6 a.m. though, which means we leave here at 4! EEK!!!

2 days, 14 hrs., 7 mins..... [Edit Post]on April 13, 2007 6:41 amPublished
til the 16th!!! Yikes! I went to Walmart yesterday and bought a ton of stuff but forgot, gauze, tape and the Fleet's Phospho-Soda for the bowel prep. sheesh. I should've known. lol I have a ton of stuff to get done the next couple days. *call the hospital between 4 and 6 p.m. to get the time of my surgery!* pack for the hospital* pack the kids stuff for the days I'll be in the hospital and they'll be staying with family. This is not easy when it includes and 8 yrs old, an almost 5 yrs old and an 8 month old baby and Grammy wants the pack-n-play, walker, swing, and then all the regular stuff (diapers, formula, wipes, clothes, extra clothes, and more clothes... blankets, car seat, stroller... the list is endless)* go back to Walmart and get the stuff I forgot* finish up all laundry* put clean sheets on all the beds so when we get home everything will be clean and fresh* clean out the truck and sweep it *clean out the fridge and precook and freeze some food for the family.* work today*take Gabe to get his shots at 2 p.m.*pay the bills that are due this week and next so I dont have to worry about it later*plan and buy the stuff for Abby's bday party on the 22ndI guess that's all I can think of right now... I'm sure there are more!! I need to make a huge list and just chekc things off as I go. I am so afraid I'm going to forget something like chapstick or my CPAP when I go to the hospital. My brain just feels overloaded right now!I guess in a way that is good thing, b/c I'm sitting around thinking about all of the "what if's". I was really nervous but after going to church Wednesday and having the church and pastor pray for me, I feel so much peace. I am in God's hands and that is safest place to be. :)I was going to try to get all of my clothes organized by sizes, but I think I'll wait and save that for when I get home and I'm bored. lol I am starting a liquid diet today. Dr.'s orders are clear liquids and bowel prep on Sunday and that was it, but I'm feeling so bloated and nasty and nauseous that I'm starting today. I feel like I'm in the zone and am ready to start now. I ate like a hog yesterday and laid in bed last night feeling awful. That last month has been a month of last suppers and I'm done. I will never feel like that again. Ever. :) That is so freeing.

5 days....pre-op [Edit Post]on April 10, 2007 9:24 amPublished
5 days pre-op...
Well, well, well.... 5 days to go. I had a moment of panic last night. I had accidently stumbled across the memorial section at OH.com and saw a few people who went in for surgery and never came out. Sort of unnerving. Obviously I do not want to die. I am doing for health and life. Thanks to Danyele I came to my senses again and came down off the ledge. It is so true that this thing is 90% mental...And so it's positive thoughts from here on out. I will not die, but live. I will see my children grow and have babies. I will be around for a long time. I found some scriptures that I am holding on to for peace and comfort and encouragment...Psalm 121:7The Lord will keep you from all evil; He will keep your life.Isaiah 58:8Then shall your light break forth like the morning, and your healing (your restoration and the power of a new life) shall spring forth speedily; your righteousness (your rightness, your justice, and your right relationship with God) shall go before you [conducting you to peace and prosperity], and the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.Psalms 118:17I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD. There were many more, but I've pasted them into a word doc. and plan on printing them out and taking them to the hospital with me. So aside from being nervous, I am starting to get excited. When I look at my closet and all the clothes I have in there... I can't wait to wear them again. It is going to be awesome for once to walk in my closet, go to put something on and find that it is LOOSER instead of TIGHTER!!! hahaha! I have tons of clothes...everything from size 28 down to size 10-12. When it comes to the weight loss side I am so ready!! I also can't wait to be able to be loving towards my husband without feeling like a whale and so self conscious. I can't wait to RUN. I can't wait to JUMP. I can't wait to walk into a room w/ confidence again. I can't wait for the real me to show itself again. This fat suit I live in now is not me!!! It is a wall of protection that I built...but guess what.. it failed me. It didn't keep pain out... in fact it only made it worse. I was unable to protect myself w/ food, fat or anything thing else. The bottom line is that people fail. They don't always do the right thing. Sometimes they do hurt you. But hurting yourself first to keep them from hurting you makes no sense. Self medicating w/ food doesn't work. It only makes it worse. I have to tell my best friend, my drug, my coping mechinism, my addiction, goodbye. It won't be easy. She's been with me for my entire life. She was there during the childhood trama I experienced. She got me through, issues in H.S. When I was alone, pregnant and hurting she got me through. During money problems, kid issues, husband stuff, home life, church problems, life in gerenal, my good friend, FOOD has been through it all with me. Never failing, never faultering, as I tried to stuff that vast void with something, food was always there. In the end though, food wasn't even a true friend. She's kept me locked in a prision of self doubt and low self esteem. Monday starts a new chapter in my life. A chapter of freedom. A chapter of hope and renewal. I get a "do-over" and I won't mess it up this time.