Regret

Warning: This post will be emotional and raw.

Regret.


noun
1. sadness associated with some wrong done or some disappointment
verb
1. feel remorse for; feel sorry for; be contrite about
2. feel sad about the loss or absence of

What do I regret?

Do I regret having surgery? Do I regret having lost 129 lbs.?

I'd like to think the answer is no. But...

There's that word. But.

There are things I do regret.
I regret eating junk this week. I regret lighting up that first cigarette. I regret becoming selfish and self centered. I regret burning bridges. I regret allowing myself to become the person that I am today.

I don't recognize me. I look in the mirror and see a face I don't know. A body that I didn't know was under there. I regret it all at times. I miss my fat. I miss my comfort. I miss my wall.

Now I feel exposed and naked and I feel like the person I've uncovered is not a person I want to be.

What do I do now?

I'm glad I'm healthier. I'm glad I'm thinner. I'm glad I'm prettier.

But I miss me.

I've lost me somewhere along the road. Now I wait for the compliments. I thrive on the attention. All the focus is on me.

Me.
Me.
Me.

Selfish.

I've pretended that I havent' changed. I've loudly proclaimed w/ disgust that I've not changed.

But I have.

I'm breaking all the WLS rules. I drink when I eat. I eat cookies, chips and junk. I eat til I am uncomfortable. I eat til I throw up. Then go eat some more.

I'm hiding. I'm unhappy. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm mentally drained.

I don't know how to change. I've already changed so much.

Right now, I feel lost. Right now I feel a lone. More alone than ever.

It hurts. Worse than being fat.

Right now my head is pounding and my face is flushed. I want to crawl in a hole and not come out.

The food isn't making me feel good anymore. The cigs are putting distance between me and people I care about. The drinking only gave me a hangover.

What am I missing?

The guilt is overwhelming. I have a beautiful family and a great husband. A life that other people would kill for. I'm thin and young and talented.

But I'm still unhappy.

What am I missing??

What is wrong with me?

Regret. I regret everything.