Before!

5/3/08

The Blog I Didn't Want To Write

Blah.

How do I say it? Where do I start? I've vowed to be honest and open here and I have been, but right now, I'm scared. I'm scared to say what I feel. I'm afraid no one will hear, that no one will understand.
I don't claim to be rational, but I don't want my feelings/thoughts/emotions that are real to me, to be discarded by someone's eye roll and click of the mouse.


I'm struggling.

Already.


I'm not gaining weight. I'm not. Every evening I weigh 146. Every morning, I weigh 143. Every. day. Day. After. Day.....

BUT I FEEL HUGE.

The scale has been pretty much set in the same place for several weeks now. I can *sort of* deal with that. What I can't deal with is the fact that my BMI is 26 and that makes me overweight. I can't deal with the fact, that on the weight charts, I still have 7ish lbs. to lose to be "normal".

Did I come this far, and do all of this to still be "overweight"? Now, before you comment me and say, forget the weight charts, and all that jazz, let me first say, I am 5 ft. 2 in. on a good day. In fact, I think I'm more like 5 ft. 1.75 in. Sadly, that probably makes me even fatter on their stupid charts.

I'm afraid b/c the scale is the same and my clothes are fitting the same but...

I look in the mirror and every day I look bigger to me.
I ask DJ if I'm getting bigger and he just rolls his eyes, but I swear to myself that he's lying.
My stomach looks like I'm 6 months pregnant to me.
I feel like I have a double chin again.
I feel like my stomach is HUGE again.
I look at myself naked in the mirror and sob.

What is happening to me? Am I going crazy?

No, it's not PMS either. I'm not due for another 2 weeks.

This is real. This is happening.

I can tell myself that I am thin. I can look at pictures and sort of see it...

But when I walk in a room, I still feel like I am 277 lbs. WHen I saw R at our post op appt, I felt like a big slob sitting next to her. I swore I was twice her size. I literally tried to cover my stomach w/ my purse and kept my arms crossed to hide my fat. When I saw the pics, I couldn't believe we were the same size.

Someone help me please. I honestly feel like I'm losing it.

The worst part is, this stress and anxiety is making me want to eat more. I wish it would make me not want to eat at all....

Am I going crazy? Am I normal?

I wish someone could tell me... what is happening and how to make it stop.

To top it off, a woman called me a fat ass at work today too. Of course, she is a resident w/ dementia but still.... bad timing.

8 comments:

AJ said...

Oh Amber! My heart is breaking for you. I may not be able to fully understand your plight, but I do empathize. Please, if these feelings continue, talk to someone. My surgeon's staff already told me that this can be a problem for people who lose loads of weight.
From an outsider's perspective, I can honestly say that I aspire to be 1/2 as successful as you. You are beautiful, in every way that counts.

Chin up.

Sharon said...

Ok breathe. YOU ARE NOT HUGE. Numbers on the scale cannot, and should not, define you.

Your body will be where it needs to be. You are gorgeous. Look at your pictures, pre op and now. Your transformation has been amazing.

Be proud, and take it one day at a time. And step away from the scale if it continues to fuck with your head.

Smooch. I get it, and it's hard, but you will be OK.

Susy said...

Oh Amber my friend. I so understand this over whelming feeling that comes over you sometimes. Somedays are easier than others. You have been through a lot this past year and the "head games" are not just going to disappear as fast as the weight did. You should not give up on your goal and you should fight for it! You deserve it! You just can’t let it control your days.

Take a breath, relax a bit and maybe even a walk to clear your head. Keep moving Amber and that goal will be yours-I believe it. You’re a beautiful, smart, brave young woman. Believe it - cause it’s true!

Amber said...

I actually giggled at your post because I've been feeling fat the last couple weeks. I'm refreshing to know I'm not alone feeling like that either. I wore a pair of pants today and I swear I looked like a size 12, which after being a 26/28 is hardly fat, but I'm a size 6 so why do I feel like a 12? Then there's the skin. I try not to look at myself naked because it's just gross. Just wanted to let you know you're not the only one feeling that way. Maybe it's because of the seasons changing or something? I don't know what it is. Maybe we want to wear the cute summer clothes that we can't because of our flab, so we're telling ourselves we're fat. Just a though.

Meghan said...

Amber, if I'm as successful as you have been, I'll be ELATED! Even if you never lose another pound, you are healthy, beautiful, and strong! That said, have you been in counseling all this time? We go through so many transitions as we lose weight, and we're not always equipped to handle it all by ourselves. If you haven't been going, maybe you could give it a try?

Kristi said...

Hi Amber,

I have never posted on here before, but I felt compelled after your last blog. I had RNY on 4/16/08 and reading through your whole journey has given me incredible hope.

I know I can't say anything to make you feel better, but you look amazing. I hope that gives you some comfort, there are so many people pulling for you and I can only hope to be as successful as you.

Hugs!!! Kristi

Sassafrass said...

I think we get scared and play tricks on ourselves. Getting close to goal is scary and hard to handle emotionally. Is it possible that this is what's happening? That you're scaring yourself and seeing yourself as large b/c seeing yourself as small as you really are scares you more? Just a thought. I'm a big fan of therapy during this wonderful and frightening process. Maybe you could reach out to someone for a bit of help? Take care and be good to yourself.

Through Thick and Thin said...

it's true, some days are better than others. image-wise and eating-wise. I have no profound words of encouragement as I struggle with the same issues but just know you are not alone.