How do I say it? Where do I start? I've vowed to be honest and open here and I have been, but right now, I'm scared. I'm scared to say what I feel. I'm afraid no one will hear, that no one will understand.
I don't claim to be rational, but I don't want my feelings/thoughts/emotions that are real to me, to be discarded by someone's eye roll and click of the mouse.
I'm not gaining weight. I'm not. Every evening I weigh 146. Every morning, I weigh 143. Every. day. Day. After. Day.....
BUT I FEEL HUGE.
The scale has been pretty much set in the same place for several weeks now. I can *sort of* deal with that. What I can't deal with is the fact that my BMI is 26 and that makes me overweight. I can't deal with the fact, that on the weight charts, I still have 7ish lbs. to lose to be "normal".
Did I come this far, and do all of this to still be "overweight"? Now, before you comment me and say, forget the weight charts, and all that jazz, let me first say, I am 5 ft. 2 in. on a good day. In fact, I think I'm more like 5 ft. 1.75 in. Sadly, that probably makes me even fatter on their stupid charts.
I'm afraid b/c the scale is the same and my clothes are fitting the same but...
I look in the mirror and every day I look bigger to me.
I ask DJ if I'm getting bigger and he just rolls his eyes, but I swear to myself that he's lying.
My stomach looks like I'm 6 months pregnant to me.
I feel like I have a double chin again.
I feel like my stomach is HUGE again.
I look at myself naked in the mirror and sob.
What is happening to me? Am I going crazy?
No, it's not PMS either. I'm not due for another 2 weeks.
This is real. This is happening.
I can tell myself that I am thin. I can look at pictures and sort of see it...
But when I walk in a room, I still feel like I am 277 lbs. WHen I saw R at our post op appt, I felt like a big slob sitting next to her. I swore I was twice her size. I literally tried to cover my stomach w/ my purse and kept my arms crossed to hide my fat. When I saw the pics, I couldn't believe we were the same size.
Someone help me please. I honestly feel like I'm losing it.
The worst part is, this stress and anxiety is making me want to eat more. I wish it would make me not want to eat at all....
Am I going crazy? Am I normal?
I wish someone could tell me... what is happening and how to make it stop.
To top it off, a woman called me a fat ass at work today too. Of course, she is a resident w/ dementia but still.... bad timing.