Getting better....

I am forcing myself to push out negative thoughts.

Mom and I had a good conversation last night. I spilled my guts to her and she whole heartly admitted that she understand and had been there herself. She has always been thin, but finally admitted that she didn't do it in a healthy way. She didn't have an eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia, but she lived w/ these negative thoughts and always felt fat. She would not eat, then eat too much, repeat.
The biggest thing that came out of our conversation was me realizing that I am full of fear!
Her side of the family is all about appearances. They are the "beautiful people". Seriously. They are all thin, and gorgeous. Every eyar at holidays they would sit around and complain about the 5 lbs they had gained and critique each other. Behind one another backs they try to decide if someone has gained or lost weight. It is unreal.
This is what I grew up around. (No wonder I have issues!)
I couldn't compete w/ them. I was always the chubby one. The one who they told they their daughters, "Don't get seconds.. do you wanna be as fat as Amber?" I decided I wouldn't be them. I would eat what I wanted, when I wanted and be happy with me. And I was. Until it got out of control.
A few years ago a family friend had RNY, and now at every function (baby shower, wedding, etc.) they (my mom, gram and my mom's sisters) sit and discuss if she's gained weight, what she's eating, and if her clothes have gotten tighter.

So, now here I am. I am "almost" at goal. But I am scared to death to relax or even accept that I'm ok.

It started a few weeks ago. It was when I was having those tummy troubles and getting so bloated. My brother called me and asked if I was ok and said, "I noticed your stomach was big at Abbys' bday party and almost asked you if you were pregnant again."


So I look pregnant and I know that behind my back everyone is going to be talkinga bout if I'm bigger or smaller, etc.

Now, to my face, my gram keeps telling me I"m too thin and not to lose anymore, but you better believe if I put 5 lbs back on, she'd notice it.


Am I in prision again?? It feels that way.

I need to break out and not care what they think!!!

Why was it so easy to do when I was 277 lbs, but I can't get these thoughts and fears out of my head at 144 lbs.???

Am I afraid that after all this work I still won't be accepted? Why does that matter anyway?

I am trying to work through this. When I have a thought about how terrible I look, I'm pushing it out. I'm looking at my before pictures. I'm forcing myself to be reasonable and live in reality.

Right now I'm 144 lbs.
Right now I'm in a size 6 or 8.
Right now I'm OK.

I'm OK!
I am, right now.

And, right now is all that matters.

1 comment:

Meghan said...

Amber, wow. I'm so glad you wrote this post. I completely understand the family dynamics. My mom, who has always struggled with her weight, still obsesses about everyone's size. Who lost, who gained, who looks good... it's like a never-ending gossipy body talkathon. And that DOES something to us to hear that all the time as kids. You're so right--you can let all those negative self-talk habits melt away and RELAX! : )