May 5th, 2007

My entry from May 5th, 2007! I got an email today from "iampeacemaker" and she reminded me of this entry. Thank you! And now I'll share with you guys....

I look at some of the other post-ops at OH ... the ones who have lost 150 lbs... 160 lbs... and I wonder if I can really do that. I'm only 5 ft. 1 in. and could totally be fine at 120 lbs. I really wish I could get there, but then I hear people voices in my head, "You'll always be pudgy." "You're going to look weird when you're skinny." "You'll never be as small as me."Yes, people have actually said those things to me in the last month. I had a another person tell me, "Well I better start losing weight b/c you can't be skinnier than me!"I mean seriously. What is wrong with people?? At any rate, now I'm wondering if I can actually reach 130, let alone 120. Maybe I'll end up at 150? I just don't know and right now all of those numbers seem out of reach. I look at some of those people though who go from 235 lbs to 110 in 9 months. It is amazing to me. I don't know how they do it. Here I sit though, and I have the same tool as them and yet I wonder if it will work for me. Will I be the one who the surgery doesn't work for? Will my body fight me for every pound? I just don't know. Once again I'm facing the unknown. Next my mind wonders to how I'll look. Will I have a ton of extra skin? I really do not want to face another surgery. I can't imagine the pain of a tummy tuck. The scars I've seen of people who have had them are terrible too. I just dont' think I could do that. But I guess that is the voice of a person who is still in recovery from surgery number 1. lolOnly time will tell I suppose. This is the journey of a lifetime.

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Wow, I've come a long way! :)