Let Down

No. No one has let me down. I'm talking about the feeling that comes after a highly stressful situation comes to a close... or that feeling that hits your knees/guts/throat after a near collison... you know... the one that makes you feel like you could literally throw up, pass out, die or all of the above, just from the thought of what just almost happened?

For me, I shot myself right into survival mode for the last month. I was a walking zombie. I thought I was losing it,but really, I was surviving. I was being me. I was running, retreating, detatching, shutting down, but still surviving.

And in the middle of all that surviving... I was doing something new too.

Instead of the old, survive, but also build walls, shut down, harbor bitterness, give up mentality, coping mechanism that I had come to master so well, this time, I tried (or was forced into) something new. This time, I entered counseling. :D

So while I did some of the old, I didn't completely shut down and tune out....Instead, I am now armed with new information about me and about DJ, about my family, about my life. I opened my eyes, and chose a new path. I am chosing for this time to be different. Even if no one else changes, I will.

I will be stronger. I will not take blame for things that aren't my fault. I won't put people on a pedastal and then get hurt when they fall off. I won't expect people to be something they can never be. I'll get my eyes off of everyone else, and on to me instead, for once.

A month ago, I thought my world had crumbled. I thought it was over. I thought it was hopeless and that everything I had worked hard to build, was over. I pictured myself alone, and unhappy...miserable.... struggling.... poor....I thought for sure it was all my fault somehow too.

Only this time I couldn't blame my fat. I had to look at me and who knew saying, "It's not my fault" would be so hard!!

What is it in a person that makes them blame themselves for everything? My bio dad not sticking around? My fault. My step dad's alcoholism? My fault. My mothers unhappieness? My fault. What the neighbor did to me as a child? My fault. The list could go on and on.... How everything bad that happened in my life was my fault... I carry guilt for things that had nothing to do with me! No wonder I tried to numb myself with food. So much hurt, hidden, ashamed of what I felt on the inside, and so afraid to talk about it... b/c afterall, I did cause it anyway... If I could just do better....

And I've brought all that baggage into my adulthood and ended up being a 277 lbs. broken, bound, blame carrying woman.

Last month I realized that now I was that same person on the inside, but somehow, during the last year, as I unveiled this beautiful person underneath, I'm seeing that I'm worth so much more. And blame carrying isn't what I was created for.

I am only responsible for MY choices and MY actions. Although other peoples actions and choices may affect me, they have nothing to do with me!!

And so now I stand here.... let down. You know that feeling? I'm shaking, I feel sick, I can't believe I survived what just happened, my knees feel like jello and my heart is in my throat.....

but that feeling is leaving and I'm nervous but I'm hopeful, grateful, relieved and excited. The future is bright, and I'm free.

(I am going thru a workbook in therapy called, Self Esteem. I will be sharing some of my self discovery here. I am so very excited and thankful for lifes lessons and journeys and truly appreciate each and every one of you who read here and support me! I love you guys!!)


Meghan said...

I'm so proud of you! I can't wait to hear more of the discoveries from the Self Esteem book. You're a wise woman to seek counseling at a time when everything COULD have fallen apart. Instead, you're stronger!

~Pansy~ said...

i just wanted to so that i can SOO relate.. and that counseling saved my life.. its the best thing that you can ever do for you and FOR those around you.. i am proud of you and cannot wait to hear more!

Sharon said...

Now that's my girl :) I always knew you had it in you - and getting some help to find it and hang on to it is certainly the way to go.

Proud of you!!! (omg it's my inner mom talking again LOL).


Anonymous said...

So proud of you amber!!! Way to go!! It takes true courage to seek help, and you did it!!!

Keep us posted!
Mary in TN

Sassafrass said...

i don't know you but i think you're a strong, smart & capable young woman who did a very wise and brave thing by seeking counseling when needed. My thoughts are with you.

Sass in Jersey

Susy said...

Thinking of you Amber... You are special!

nanciannaj said...

I was just wondering what it is that you are free of? What part have you honestly let go of completely to be able to BE FREE of it?In your blog you spoke of "choices" I know a quote that you may enjoy...."A choice once made, creates it's own path" Be as free as you can be without losing the you who comes in any size! We all love you.

Staci Compher said...

I stumbled across you by accident...or maybe not!!? but I just wanted to let you know...that you're such an inspiration...and your honesty about the ups and refreshing..thanks for sharing your story....

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you!

Mary in TN