The Crazy

I've got it. That's all there is to it. This surgery has made me insane and I hate it. I sat at the diningroom table this a.m. after a blow out fight with DJ, (that my mom had to come referee) and I confessed that I feel like I'm losing my mind. But, thank God I have a caring, wonderful family who is here to help me get through these changes as they come. I admitted I'm angry and what is anger? Nothing but fear. And I have a lot of fear. Fear that my marriage is going to fall apart and that it will be my fault. Fear of being a failure. Fear that I have gone through this surgery and it won't work. Fear that I'll never be anything I planned to be when I was young. Fear that where I am in my life right now is the best there will ever be.

Fear. Gripping. Paralysing. Fear.

So what do I do about it?

I can't eat like I used to.

So instead, I yell and throw things. Not pretty.

I don't like this. I am pushing people away and when I'm alone it won't be because of the surgery, it will be because I'm lashing out and who wants to stick around for that?

Not a single person.

Thankfully, we sat at the table and we talked, we cried, we prayed. It was nice to be able to get my feelings out and feel like I was being heard. In meeting with the surgeon, he failed to mention this aspect of the surgery. He didn't tell me that as I lose weight, and live on 500 calories a day, I will feel naked and exposed. That I won't be able to hide behind food. That it won't make things better anymore. Bills and money issues won't go away. Stress of in-laws and family won't end, in fact, it may get worse, and everyone around me must be given time to adjust to the changes I'm going through as well.

Pre op I swore I wouldn't change, but I have and still am daily. I can't stop it. I actually want it.

I want positive changes though. I don't want to be angry and full of fear of the future. My future is bright. I am blessed and can't let myself be robbed of that. I have a beautiful family that I want to keep. I want my husband to be happy to be home with me and our children to feel peace and love in our home. Our home has always been a happy place and I can't let my anger/fear ruin that. I can't let my fear becoming a self-fulfilled prophesy.

I need to speak blessings over my life when I feel like I'm losing it. I need to look at the positives more than the negatives.

Are there things that I have put up with in my life, that I realize need to change? Yes. Are there issues that I must deal with head on? Of course. Can I do it? You better bet I can.


SDN said...

hello. I think that with effort we can do everything and u can do it too!
Good luck!
kisses :)

Kim said...

I feel ya. I've been doing bodywork/ therapy for about 6 months to get me ready for the changes-- and I can say I hate being vulnerable, or speaking my truth.

Keep inspiring us to live boldly, and keep loving yourself, even that crazy that wants to come out-- and you will be free.
Bless you Sister of Sass!

Dagny said...

Amber, you're going through a horrific mind-fuck like nothing you've ever dealt with before. There's more to come. Just wait until you look in the mirror and you don't recognize your own face! Nothing but good can happen for you if you let it. Food has dropped off the priority list. You MUST replace it with other things. New activities that you couldn't do before. New ways you can feel about yourself. A new sense of control and empowerment in your life.

Take one small step: Sit down and write out everything POSITIVE that's happening for you and everything positive that you want to happen. Look at the list often.


Melting Mama said...

You're brave. :D