I took that picture last night. The one, over there, ----> in front of the door, in the black sweater set and jeans. I was wearing cute heels too (darn you D.J. for cutting those off). Anyway, I keep staring at it. I opening paint, and put the before and current picture side by side and I stare. For a long time. I study every line, every detail. I don't remember being "that big", but I know I was. The pictures don't lie. On the other hand, can I really be this "small" now? Do I really look that slim in person? And why does my head look so big? Do I really have a large head??? I look at my legs, and my stomach and my chest, my arms, legs, and chin even. Who is this person? Is this what everyone else is seeing? And why does she look so different from what I see in the mirror staring back at me each day?
So many questions!
When I downloaded this picture of me last night and it popped up on the screen, I froze. I didn't recognize me. I didn't know that woman looking back at me. Everything looks different and yet how had I missed that when I see me all the time???
I've called DJ into the computer room different times today and asked the same question... Do I really look like that? I mean REALLY??? Am I really normal sized??
It's so much all the sudden. I still feel BIG. As big as before honestly and when I look in the full length mirror I see imperfection and yet, last night as my mom and I went into the bathroom at the restaurant to touch up our makeup I saw something I never thought I'd see. Me, standing side by side w/ my (skinny) mother and I was smaller. She even commented, "Amber, look at us... you are smaller than me!"
I have been bigger than my mom since I was in 5th grade. I remember I weighed 135 and she weighed 130. That's 17 years, that I've been bigger and now suddenly, I'm smaller?!?!?
And so today, I've spent, staring at me. I realize how rediculous that sounds, but I'm really trying to "SEE" me. I still have 35 lbs. to lose and I still am facing PS BUT, I think I may have reached a point where I can feel ok about me and how I look.