Before!

3/28/08

The dreaded bathing suit shopping trip...

We are going away this weekend and it required that I purchase a bathing suit. The damage done by being MO for most of my 20's was revealed in all it's "glory". I ended up w/ a size 8 top and size 4/6 bottom--a tankini style bathing suit, that "mostly" hid the problem areas. Honestly, it was a horrible experience. I weigh 144 lbs. and still look terrible in a bathing suit. :( My boobs are gone.. and what's left is long and flat. I have always had plenty in that area and now... nothing. It's so weird!!
On top of that, I didn't notice my thighs were looking wrinkley on top, until I tried on the suit. Even my armpits have stretch marks. My belly? Shudders. Let not go there.
Is it some kind of cruel joke, to lose the weight and still look terrible?? I really regret being MO and basically ruining my body by stretching it to the max, b/c now I have two choices. Undergo more surgeries to fix my skin or live w/ it and deal w/ serious body image issues.
My mother is once again driving me bonkers too. She is 50 but has always been thin and pretty and I was always big w/ a "pretty face". I think she liked the fact that I was not her size. Now, I'm smaller and it is driving her insane. I know she's trying hard to be supportive, but she is having a midlife crisis and I get the brunt of it at times. If I say anything about my belly skin, she claims she has it too... or if I say I need my boobs back, she laughs and says.."That's what happens when you get older".. I'm only 29!!!

She was behind me 100% when I had the gastric bypass... what has changed?? We were in a store a few months ago and I needed jeans in a certain size, but needed the short length... all I could find was long... and the sales girl asked me if I needed help. I said, "Yes, I'm looking for size (I think it was a 9 at the time) in the shorter length"... She told me they didn't have any and I said ok thanks. My mom turns around and says to the girl, "Well, we are just happy she's in a size 9!"
Seriously? I asked her what in the world she was doing... and she said, "What? We are!"
She's made comments about me not losing any more weight, and that I better be eating, etc.
Right now, I feel stuck.. I'm in a body that I'm glad is smaller, BUT I'm in a body that looks like it's been in a war. I feel beautiful, and smaller in clothes, but when the clothes come off. Ick. I'm disgusted.
I knew the skin issues would be present, but I really thought that youth would be on my side and I know my skin isn't as bad as some, but it still bothers me.

Anyway... DJ just pulled in and we need to pack and get on the road. I'll be back tomorrow and will post pics of our trip and me in my bathing suit. Oy vey. :)

3 comments:

Shell said...

I am so sorry that your Mom is being so difficult! One of the things that we don't seem to fully comprehend is the impact that this surgery and lifestyle change has on the people around us, especially those who have always known us as "bigger than me" people. Not that it excuses her behavior, sounds like she might have some body image issues of her own to work through. =\ ((hugs))

Susy said...

Hope you have a nice little trip with your family. I always love seeing new photos, so I'll be looking for them. Your a beautiful girl and I'm happy for you.

I say all the time now... I'm not fluffy, I'm floppy now. I've totally ruined my skin and even with surgery the stretch marks would still be there. I totally get it and understand what you’re saying. But for me it's about being healthy and being able to enjoy life and not let it pass me by any longer for the rest of my life. I have sat on the side lines watching long enough. And I'm not going to anymore.

I'm sorry you’re feeling no support from your mom. That sucks! Don't let her bring you down. Maybe it's just easier for her to not be supportive or use mean words rather than look at what she needs to work on in her life. ?? Just a thought??

Amber said...

I hear ya girl! I ended up spending $90, that's right $90 freaking dollars on a suit. I tried Wal-Mart and Target and they had nothing. I ended up with a tankini style that has a skirt bottom and the top is like a band so my tube sock boobs look good in it. My arms are just totally gross though, but oh well, what can ya do! PS is in my future at least arm wise, I can't stand them. My mom gives me grief too about being too thin now, and it's like seriously, too fat, too thin, but as long as you're happy that's all that matters! Enjoy your trip!