I started my new job about a week and a half ago, and I work w/ all girls... and they ALL are so nice and accepting of me. They talk to me and ask me questions and tell me they like my hair or my scrubs... that I look pretty and they can't believe I"m 29. They talk about tanning and nails and hair and makeup w/ me. They talk about shopping and their favorite stores, and how they wish they could drop 10 lbs. Yesterday, as another girl and I were transfering a patient she commented on how tiny I was for having 3 kids. I said thank you and quickly changed the subject.
I haven't told anyone about the surgery or about how much weight I've lost because I walked in there weighing 148 lbs. and they are none the wiser. My weight is not an issue anymore. These girls see me and we have things in common... I used to walk into a room and easily be the biggest one there. Now, I'm one of the smallest. The girls include me in their conversations, they accept me.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel great. All through Jr. High I was pudgy, and that is when the segregation started. They never said it, but the seperation started then... They'd leave the last chair on the end open for me, then soon, there was no chair, and I was sitting alone. As my weight increased, the popular girls that had been my friends in grade school, started ignoring me. I didn't get invited to the slumber parties anymore...By high school I had two very close friends and we pretty much kept to ourselves. We had friends and I actually was voted senior year to have the prettiest eyes in our class. The three of us won, "Best of friends" too, but it was different. They guys didnt pay attention to me anymore. How many times, I heard, "You have such a beautiful face".... in fact, one upperclassman actually said, "I'd ask her out if she lost some weight. She's beautiful, but...."
So now, I go places and people just automatically accept me. And it isn't b/c of who I am... it is strictly b/c of how I look. As a bigger person I constantly said, "People should know me for me! I'm a great person!" and I was. And those who did take the time to know me, knew that... but I can't help but admit that when you are thinner person, life when it comes to social interaction is a hundred times easier!
When I had first had surgery, and we'd be out to dinner, the waitress would always ask me if something was wrong w/ my food. I'm sure in her mind she thought, that if me, the big girl, didn't clean my plate something was wrong. Now, while I'm 10 lbs from goal, the waitress NEVER says a word or if she does she'll make a joke about huge portions for us litte girls, and bring me a box.
I'm living in a new world!
I am starting to see though, that I am still the same Amber, only better. I am truly rediscovering myself inside and out. In every situation, I am learning new ways to react and behave.
It is all so new and I'm trying hard not to make any more mistakes. I don't want to let the acceptance of other people change me. It does remove a lot of anxiety in social situations though, b/c now I can be confident and be myself and not worry about the way I look. That is a nice feeling.