Before!

3/7/08

Exciting News

I went to my interview and I'm pretty confident that I'm going to have the job offered to me today!! Yippee!!

I will post details later after she calls me this afternoon. It's good stuff though I tell ya!!


In other news, there is a *&#(*& snow storm coming in....8-14 inches of snow are being forcasted. Oh my gawd.... Take me somewhere sunny and warm PLEASE!! I am sick of winter. Sick. Of. It. Boo.

I went tanning last night and am going to go again this afternoon. It does help my mood little... I just close my eyes and pretend I'm on a beach somewhere. he he.

I am trying to hang out on WLS boards as much as possible to try to keep myself focused. I am amazed at how much I can eat now. It's like I just woke up one morning and bam! I can eat. It sucks. I did get full quick on chicken the other night, and I can't eat a huge quanity of food at one time, but I definately can get a lot of calories in by grazing... and slider foods. I'm almost 11 months out so I guess I knew this was coming. I already miss those days of being super tight and restricted. And it sucks to actually feel hunger again. I didn't miss it!

There's been a lot of talk about ED and things and WLS and I know I'm another who has dabbled in ED behaviors my entire life. Binge eating being the biggest as well as purging occasionally (but not a ton) and the chew and spit thing from time to time. Ick. I don't think it's a huge problem right now, but last night as I was scanning the kitchen for something. yummy. to. put. in. my. pie. hole. I realized I wasn't even hungry, but I had this URGE to put stuff in my mouth as fast as possible.

Yay. ED. I'm sure of it. Some type of OCD tendency...I have the compulsion over take me to EAT EAT EAT and it is hard to fight! I ended up w/ a spoon in the freezer tasting the strawberry cheesecake ice cream the girls had begged for earlier. I stopped after 3 bites, but, threw a small handful of goldfish in my mouth before leaving the kitchen.

Do all post ops do this?

Sometimes I feel like a failure already b/c I'm still 20 lbs over goal and haven't lost a lb. in 6 weeks. I feel like a failure when I look down and see I've eaten almost all of dinner, after being used to getting full after 2 bites. I feel like a failure when I feel hungry. My mind automatically says, "This time isn't any different than the other bajillion times you've lost weight and you will gain it all back plus some."

ACK!

I thought the beginning of this journey was hard. I was so wrong. THIS is what's hard. I'm almost at goal.. now what?

It's no wonder people regain weight. Besides the inital FORECED weight loss, the rest really is up to us. It isn't a magic pill. It isn't butterflies and sunshine.
It's hardwork. It's facing demons. It's discipling yourself. It's so many things.

I was watching Celebrity Rehab the other night (yeah train wreck from what I've seen) but Dr. Drew said to one of the girls... "Most people I have to convince that they aren't as strong as they think they are. That they are human and will fail if they don't stick w/ the program and the "rules" set before them. But with you, I have to convince you that you are stronger than you think. You are stronger than the *insert vice*... You really, truly are. Now you need to wake up and realize it."

Interesting, and I wonder which group I'm in?

At times, I say I'm strong! I can do this... but then at 11 p.m. I'm hiding in the kitchen w/ a spoon in the ice cream. Other times, I say I'm weak, and crack down on myself only to find that I have a perfect eating day including fluids, vitamins and exercise, but it's motivated by the fear of failure. The next morning it's back to square one again.

I do have to admit though, that I have made some HUGE lifestyle changes for me and our entire family. I am buying more healthier foods and less junk. I am cooking more, and cooking healthier, using more whole, organic ingredients and really trying to be present in what I eat and in what my family is eating.

I refuse to feed my kids fast food if I can help it and when we do out they eat fruit instead of fries and drink milk instead of pop. I am making progress.

In all of this, my motivation has been weight loss, but now I need to switch my focus more to health, and honestly I think that may help w/ my struggles w/ eating/ not eating. Perhaps, if I say to myself, "Amber this ice cream is not healthy for your body. Drink some hot tea instead." I will do it, for my health. I know that saying, "Hey Fatty, if you eat this, you are going to be up 5 lbs on the scale tomorrow" doesn't stop me. In fact, it makes it worse.

Mind set! Mind set. Mind set?

Right?

Oh, it's a never ending battle, but I promise to myself that even if I'm not perfect, I won't stop trying to win this battle. It will be lifelong, but in the end I want to look back and know that I fought back. That I tried. That I cared enough about me and my family to take a stand against these food demons.

And on that note, I'm off to get Abby off the bus and make lunch. :)

1 comment:

Shell said...

I think all WLS patients have the same struggles to some degree...some are just more open about it than others. And, to be quite honest, after a lifetime of fat, I will take fear of failure as a reason why I make good choices over making bad ones. I think you are doing a great job!