Before!

3/16/08

Happy Birthday to Me!

I am 29 today. I am healthier/small than I was when I was 14. In 8th grade I was 146 lbs. and wore a size 11. Today I'm 149ish and in a size 8. Of course I'm taller and I know there is vanity sizing so I know that makes a difference but it is what it is.

This birthday was... umm... interesting. I honestly, wonder if I'm the Debbie Downer that my blog makes me sound like. I do need to say that I don't blog about all teh positives b/c well, we just don't do that... I do have a good life and I'm happy. There are just moments when I need to vent and this blog is for that. So, with that disclaimer out of the way, let me tell you about my day.

I woke up at 7 to a SOAKED Gabe, crawling on me, smacking me in the face to wake up. I get up, get him changed and in the high chair for some breakfast, and make my coffee. While the coffee is going, I notice the garbage is OVERFLOWING on the floor. The garbage that I asked DJ to take out yesterday MORNING. A full 24 hours before. Next, I find a sink full of dirty dishes... a sink that empty when I went to bed. Another mess of DJ's b/c when he comes at midnigth he's hungry and cooks. That's fine... but is it too much to ask, to not wake up to a sink full, well actually a counter-full of dishes?? I started loading the dishwasher and cleaning the kitchen. At this point, I remember reading a blog of a friend of mine who was woken up on her birthday, to breakfast in bed, prepared by her husband and 3 small children.

It wasn't that I wanted that per se... but this was so far to the other extreme...

So, I go to the garbage and try to take it out of the can. Do you think it will budge? I end up beating the can to a pulp and ripping the "heavy duty" strings off completely. At this point, I storm into the livingroom where DJ is AWAKE on the couch, listening to me struggle and yell, "Are you freaking kidding me???" I get a "Huh?"

I just shake my head and go back and finish cleaning the kitchen.

Then I go upstairs...

As if it wasn't a crappy enough morning already... nothing could've prepared me for what happened next.

Now, remember all these things would be a crappy day, but days that we as mothers/wifes often live. There are always messes to clean,etc, but my problem today was that I expected it to be different. I was so wrong for that.

Remember in my entry yesterday where I said the girls were upstairs cleaning thier rooms? Well, that didn't happen. In fact, they are messer now than ever. I stood in the hallway fighting back the tears b/c I feel so overwhelmed.

Next I walk in the bathroom, and find the lid to a $10 bottle of BRAND SPANKING NEW liquid make up sitting on the counter. Where's the bottle of makeup?? After some interogation, I find that Hannah did a "makeover" on Abby, spilled the makeup, and decided to DUMP IT DOWN THE TOILET. Yes, my 9 year old stood over the toilet and poured a brand new bottle of make up down the toilet. Wha???

Just wait, it gets better...

I go down the hallway to my bedroom b/c I need to breath. I find RED LIPSTICK drawings on the walls.

I lose it. I mean I freaking lose it. I collapse into a heap in the bathroom, after locking the door, cranking up the radio and turning on the shower and I bawl.

I'm turning 29, I don't know who I am now, I'm struggling trying to be the perfect mom and wife, I've made a million mistakes in the last year, I just made a career move and started a new job, in a new field, we have no church home anymore, I can't trust any of my friends, I was left out of a huge birthday party for another friend last night (more on that later), I've had medication changes, hormonal changes, I don't know what to eat, or how to eat right... I feel like the whole world is looking at me to see if I can make anything of ME.

I sat on that cold bathroom floor and cried every tear I've held in for the last year. It all came out.

I figured this day would come but I surely didn't think it would be on my birthday. A birthday I was already not looking forward to.

After a few minutes I composed myself enough to explain to DJ why I was having a breakdown and he felt terrible. I felt even worse for letting things effect me like they did, but honestly, I just expected the day to start so different.

I expect other people to be crappy to me, but not DJ and not my kids. Kids are kids... but they have never done stuff like this! So, we finally get out the door for my bday dinner, after Gabe took a big poop on the floor after his bath...

We ended up at O'Charleys and to make a long story less long, I'll just say, the food was gross and I ended up eating 3 onion rings and having a cup of coffee. I brought my food home, chicken and broccoli, and ended up not eating any of the chicken and dumping on the broccoli. How ignorant is it that O'Charleys plain broccoli is 200 calories, and 11 g of fat. No wonder us American's are MO. Seriously, BROCCOLI?? I thought I was making a good choice. Instead, I end up dumping on my bday... not from cake but from broccoli. Only me.

So, see this day hasn't been that wonderful. Now, I'm at home alone w/ the kids. DJ had to work 2nd shift and 3rd shift today. So I'm doing laundry and playing online. I've decided to stay off myspace b/c my friend is posting tons of pictures from R"s bday party last night. Real freaking nice too since she hasn't even bothered to even wish me a happy birthday at all. I guess that's what a 20 year friendship gets you. R has been her friend for 3 months. Wonderful, huh. She could text me this a.m. to tell me how drunk she got last night too, but I guess the words Happy Birthday were too much for her. Eh.

I did get my nails done today and that nice. That gives me a little boost...but honestly, let's just move along. There's nothing more to see here.

4 comments:

Amber said...

I wish I lived near you, I'd come and give you a hug! I'm glad you cried. Not on your b-day but I'm glad you cried. I think there comes a point in time where that is how we end something going on in our lives. Maybe tomorrow will be your new beginning. Just try and talk about things that bother you with your husband. I've found that to surprisingly work. Happy B-day and I hope your evening is quiet and realxing.

Kyla said...

I'm sorry your birthday started out so crummy. If it's any consolation I've had birthdays like that too. I completely lost it on my 30th birthday 2 years ago. It was like I woke up suddenly and my 20s were gone and I was still the same person and none of the big changes were made that I had sworn would be done by the time I reached 30. I cried and cried. My husband thought I was insane. =) So, I understand. Sometimes a good cry session is just what you need. I'm sorry your friends forgot about your b-day as well. That's pretty crummy, too. =(

Susy said...

Oh Amber- Your story made me giggle, cry and I totally understand the overwelming feeling you felt that morning. A good cry just might be what you needed. You don't have to be perfect. Take one day at a time and give yourself permission to relax a bit and just be you. You have been through a lot and take time to get to know yourself again. You really are a great girl. Have a good Monday!

Shell said...

Happy Belated Birthday...so to speak. Sorry to hear that you had a crappy day, I tend to have crappy birthdays too, something in the universe maybe? I am going to agree with Amber here, take today as your new beginning! You got the tears and probably some frustration out, now put all that energy to good use and make 29 the best year ever! (I'm 29 right now too, btw!) ((((hugs))))