but I'm thinking, I only got a transfer to another prison.
The old prison?
Low Self Esteem.
Trying any and every diet imaginable.
The new prison?
Still have low self estem.
Still obsessed w/ food and binging.
Still trying fad/crash diets.
Still eating in secret.
What's the difference?
1. I'm 120 something pounds lighter.
2. I can't binge to the caloric level I used to.
3. Dumping keeps me from going hog (no pun intended) wild... so far.
Arg! Why is this hitting me now at 11 months post op??? I remember those days when I'd eat a few bites and feel so full and so secure and FULL.
Am I addicted to being "full"?
It isn't about the food. I went for months w/o the food and was fine! I went for months and didn't binge. I didn't eat junk!!
I want to feel FULL. I like that feeling. I like feeling like I'm fulfilled, and when I eat to that point, I'm happy. BUT Then the gas hits, and I feel bloated and gross and jiggly and I start feeling so guilty. And a few times I have purged. But I don't often and honestly I don't like that so I avoid it usually, unless I'm so uncomfortable that I can't bear it.
Do you ever feel like a hamster on a wheel?? Running in circles.
If I obsess about my food and I load it all into fitday or somewhere, it puts food in the forefront of my mind. It makes things worse. For the majority of my weight loss I have not logged food. I ate when I was hungry, I stopped when I wasn't.
The last two months, I've gone backwards. I've eaten in boredom and not working made it easier b/c I have had so much down time at home. Thank god I'm going back to work now and that should help some.
I still feel like I'm trapped. I feel like my body dictates everything I do. That is how I got up to almost 300 lbs. It said eat and I did. It said, eat more and I did. It's talking to me again... how do I make it stop?