I thought I was getting freedom..

but I'm thinking, I only got a transfer to another prison.


The old prison?
Fat.
Depression.
Low Self Esteem.
Anger.
Food Obsession.
Food Addiction.
Binge Eating.
Secret Eating.
Trying any and every diet imaginable.


The new prison?
Feeling fat.
Still depressed.
Still have low self estem.
Still angry.
Still obsessed w/ food and binging.
Still trying fad/crash diets.
Still eating in secret.

What's the difference?
1. I'm 120 something pounds lighter.
2. I can't binge to the caloric level I used to.
3. Dumping keeps me from going hog (no pun intended) wild... so far.

Arg! Why is this hitting me now at 11 months post op??? I remember those days when I'd eat a few bites and feel so full and so secure and FULL.

Am I addicted to being "full"?
It isn't about the food. I went for months w/o the food and was fine! I went for months and didn't binge. I didn't eat junk!!

I want to feel FULL. I like that feeling. I like feeling like I'm fulfilled, and when I eat to that point, I'm happy. BUT Then the gas hits, and I feel bloated and gross and jiggly and I start feeling so guilty. And a few times I have purged. But I don't often and honestly I don't like that so I avoid it usually, unless I'm so uncomfortable that I can't bear it.

Do you ever feel like a hamster on a wheel?? Running in circles.

If I obsess about my food and I load it all into fitday or somewhere, it puts food in the forefront of my mind. It makes things worse. For the majority of my weight loss I have not logged food. I ate when I was hungry, I stopped when I wasn't.

The last two months, I've gone backwards. I've eaten in boredom and not working made it easier b/c I have had so much down time at home. Thank god I'm going back to work now and that should help some.

I still feel like I'm trapped. I feel like my body dictates everything I do. That is how I got up to almost 300 lbs. It said eat and I did. It said, eat more and I did. It's talking to me again... how do I make it stop?