There have been many people in my life that have caused me pain. It started when I was young, and has just continued on. I could make a list and I could honestly say that I have hopelessly struggled to forgive each person. But even though in my mind I knew I needed to forgive, not for them but for me, my heart and gut held bitterness.
When I started on this weight loss journey, I vowed to come out a better person. A better wife, a better mom, the same Amber but better, and though there have bumps along the road, that is still my goal.
The last two years, have brought me some of the biggest trials and challenges of my life, and it has left wounds and scars as well. Some wounds have healed, but others were so deep, that they still feel like they are as fresh and as open and raw, as when they first came. I'll pass the person on the road or will see them out somewhere and instantly my heart starts beating fast, my face turns red and I want to run for cover or I want to charge them and beat the living daylights out of them. LOL. At any rate, I am finally chosing to let go.
Letting go isn't easy of course. That means, no more blame for anything, can be put on them. It means, starting over. It means, I have to just allow them to be human and realize we all make mistakes. It takes time, and it takes chosing forgiveness over hatred, maybe more than one time. When I see them out and those old feelings start to surface, I will have to remind myself that I've forgiven them. I am taking control of me...of my heart and mind and unforgiveness isn't welcome there.
I need a few people to forgive me too. Maybe they already have, I don't know. But I do know that if the opportunity presents itself, I will apologize to those I've wronged.
I feel as if I'm standing at fork in the road. One way is happiness, forgiveness and peace... the pathway is bright and clear and full of blessings. The other is dark, and uphill and winds around in circle, never really going anywhere. It is overgrown w/ thick vines of hatred. It is the path of bitterness and unforgiveness. There is no baggage allowed on the path of forgiveness. It has to be laid down and forgotten. Left behind forever.
I will chose the path of light. This includes forgiving myself. I forgive myself for things I've done wrong, for killing myself slowly with food, for allowing addictions to over take me, for being weak and for giving up. It's ok. It's over now.
Today is a new day. A fresh start.
I love life. I love that I can chose to start over and that it isn't dependant upon anyone else. People will say and do what they want, but I can only control what my reaction is. No more will I let other peoples words, thoughts, actions or feeling dictate what I do in my life.
As I step on the new path, I feel a slight twinge of fear as I lay these things down. It's hard to let go of it all. Though it has wounded me deep and caused pain beyond measure, in a way, it had become my comfort. It was my hurt, it was my pain. It belonged to me. It has become so familiar and though it's slowly been killing me, I've clutched on tighter than ever. As if my hanging on was bringing pain to the other party. No. It never works that way. Lay it down, and walk.
Go. It's time to let go. My fresh start is here.