I'm better...

Thank God I have support. This week was a rough one, but I'm going to make it and I'm a better person because of it.

awakening

There is an end to the rope.

For so long, years even, since childhood... I've lived in the, "If I could only... then I'd be happy" lie. Here I sit and I've accomplished all those "if only's" and the pain is still there, deeper than ever. This is a scary place to be. A place without hope. A place filled with pain. I can't see, I can't feel and yet I hurt more deeply than ever. I'm just breathing in and out. In. Out. In.....Out.....

Turning blue...

So last night both of my hands turned blue.... it was very weird and as soon as I would rub them together it would turn pink... as soon as I stopped though, they turned blue again. I looked like the little girl on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I felt fine, except my arms/hands felt cold...but I'm always cold now.

Any ideas about what this was??

7 months!

The scale has gone up a bit in the last couple weeks, as I have found that I can eat again. Well, I could up until yesterday. The scale read 177 lbs this a.m. but that is sure to change now that I'm back on a liquid diet.

I had my braces put on yesterday. Ow. It hurts. Bad. It's good in a way b/c I can totally see me losing these last 40ish lbs now! LOL

Alot has changed in these last months. A lot inside of me. The way I feel and see things. The way I see myself. It's not all good either. I have realized that I have a distorted body image and though I've lost 100 lbs. I feel as big as ever. I can't explain it. I have everyone telling me how good I look but honestly I don't see it. I "know" I'm smaller, but when I look in the mirror I still see fat. I still see imperfection.

I am constantly reminded of a pic I saw on Beth's "post secret" weight loss blog. There was a post card with a pic of a perfect, tight belly and the words, "I thought I'd look like this.." then a pic of a flabby, saggy, deflated belly and the words, "but I look like this." It's so true. Good grief, how true it is. And it sucks. And it messes with my head.

I know I could always have PS, but I'm tired of pain. As I sit here now, unable to chew or talk right, I just can't imagine going through any more pain. In the last year, I've had a baby, had GBS and now have had all this work done on my teeth. I just can't take any more pain.

So that leaves me in the position of having to accept me... the way I am. I have NEVER 100% done that. Has anyone? Is it possible?

My new do!

I thought I updated...

but now I can't find my entry!

I am down 102 lbs. now since my surgery. It is amazing and I feel wonderful.

We took the kids trick or treating today and I wasn't tired at all. In fact, the walk felt wonderful.

On the other hand, I am drugged up and about to fall over right now. I had 4 teeth pulled today to make room for my other teeth and will get my braces on Nov. 15. I can't believe it! I have hated my teeth for so long and I am finally doing something about it. :D It's a lot of pain right now, but I KNOW it's going to be worth it!!!

I also got my hair done and have some pics to post here in a few mins.

I hope everyone is having a great week!

1 more pound

and I'll score that Benjamin! (Thanks Dagny for the heads up! :) )

So I bet (and pray) that it will happen this week!

I got my hair done yesterday too and will post some new pics of that soon too. Right now I'm off to work (ugh) and have to work all day tomorrow too, so it will most likely be Tuesday before I can get some loaded. Working is starting to get on my nerves. I love it, BUT they are giving far too many hours and everytime I ask to get cut back she just doesn't listen. (Frustrating!!!)

I feel like I'm getting buried under a lot of "to do" lists right now and I'm just trying to stay afloat. I think if I can get through Christmas there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

At any rate, I weigh 178. Holy crap.

oops..

I just noticed i forgot to fix the date on my camera! lol These were taken last week though! I am 3 lbs. away from the Century Club!!!

New pics!

Here are the latest pics!

Doing better...

I've gotten in all of my vitamins and water in during the last two days! :) My teeth are still sore but not as bad and I've been able to eat a little more the last few days. I am sitting solid at 181 lbs. right now.

Isn't it funny though, how 6 mo. ago I would've killed (or had my insides rearranged) to be 181 lbs. Now it doesn't seem good enough. Everytime I step on the scale I want it to be lower. I do, however, in the back of mind, wonder how I make the weight loss stop once I hit my goal. I'm sure it will, but there is that weird thought there, that someday I may be too skinny. Weird.

Work is going well. I really made good money last week...It's nice to not worry about money anymore and yet I do miss being home. HOnestly, I love the adult interaction though too... and the time to just be Amber. Don't get me wrong, I am always, Mommy and Dear, but sometimes it is nice to be Amber too.

I do have the next 3 days off. Today I will spend most of my time getting ready for the Holiday Craft show coming up that I'm in charge of planning, and then tonight we are responsible for feeding 40 ppl at a church conference meeting. Thankfully, someone else is cooking the food, and we just have to sort of oversee it and serve it. I can handle that.

Tomorrow and Thursday, I have no plans for the most part and I am excited. A few days just to chill-ax! :) LOL

I better run... Gabe has finished his pancake, and I have to go deal w/ the cable company. During the storms last night, our digital cable box got fired. I'm sad too b/c we had Heros recorded on there and never got to watch it. :(

Admitting things...

So I guess I need to admit some things so I can have ya'll tell me how I need to shape up.

I haven't taken my vitamins in weeks. I forget. I know that is no excuse but it's the truth. My life is CrAzY right now. I run from 7 a.m. to after midnight every single day, non stop. Does anyone have any idea on how I can remember to take the stupid things? If I could just take them all at once it would be so much either. I realize this is part of having the surgery, but dang it...How do ya'll remember to take all that crap?

Second...I've barely eaten this week... Monday I had 1/2 of a Honey Mustard Melt sandwich at work and a few bites of chili when I got home after working 12 hrs. Tuesday I had the other half of the sandwich and some yogurt when I got home at 10 p.m. Today I've had coffee and that's it b/c my freaking teeth hurt so bad I can't talk let alone chew.

The teeth are the issue today, but honestly, the last couple of weeks, I've barely eaten anything. I just don't like food anymore. Is that normal??

I'm 6 lbs. away from having lost 100 lbs. in 6 months. I am so freaking happy, and yet I nkow I need to take better care of myself.

I know the root of it is that I'm working too much. I never wanted 40 hrs a week, ad yet here I am doing it. My boss doesn't want to let me go part time, and the money is good there... so what do I do? It's nice to have extra cash for extra things. It's nice to be able to stash money away and know that we are on the track to actually being ahead and staying ahead, but at what price? I miss my kids alot b/c I'm working 2nd shift.. and though they are with DJ I know they need Mommy too.

Iy yi yi. I'm pretty stressed right now.

S P A C E R S

Ouch. I'm a big baby. Seriously.

I had spacers put between my teeth today to get them ready for the braces. It feels gross and hurts. I am already annoyed by it and I haven't gotten the brackets on yet. lol On my way home I stopped at mom's school (she teaches music/gym at a private school in our town) and when I got there she had the 5th graders in class. They all agreed with me, that spacers HURT! lol

On the weight loss front, I'm about 185. The scale is still going down at a pretty good rate. I won't complain.

I am planningo n cutting my hours at work down to part time. It is just too much trying to work full time, and handle everthing else I have on my plate.


OH! I almost forgot. I went shopping this week and picked up all size 16s at Old Navy, went back to try things on and found it all was TOO BIG! I bought 14's and a skirt in size 12! :) Yay!

Me!

Here is a pic from Oct. 16.... almost a month ago... I will take more today before work, but thought I'd share these two.

I'm about 10 lbs. less now.



I found my camera!!! :)

Where have I been?

Well, I have been working full time, raising kids, keeping a house, being a wife, and losing weight!

And as of this week, we are now back in Youth Ministry. DJ took a position at the church here in town and that in itself is a huge undertaking. I hope we can balance it all. He will keep his full time job at the steel mill too. So...busy, busy.

I am so happy with life right now though. Losing this weight has been amazing and I know I would've never been able to keep up with a life this full before. I just didn't have the stamina.

I will try to get some updated pics up soon. I can't find my camera but I know it's around here somewhere. I am down to 186 lbs. as of this a.m. It feels wonderful! It has been so worth it.

I am getting braces in the next couple months as well. I have to get spacers put in next week, then teeth pulled, more spacers, then the brackets go on. I hope I don't look too crazy lol. I feel weird being 28 yrs old and getting braces, but I want that perfect smile to go along w/ my thinner self. LOL :)

The kids are doing great... Gabe is my little man, and is growing up too fast. Hannah brought home straight A's on her midterms again and Abby is still my prissy little precious princess. ;)

Life is amazing. :)

I'm back!

I will be updating more often again!! I've missed you guys!! I have to sort of redo my page... it looks crazy... does it look messed up to all you guys too?
I have new pics to post and everything! Sit tight!