I'm on a roll!!!

I walked a mile on my treadmill tonight. :) After hiking yesterday I wanted to keep the momentum going.

We got up early this morning and paid some bills, and got groceries. Not fun shopping but anyway... I came home and made dinner... Zucchini Boats (awesome btw) and then watched BB8. (Stupid Mike. He deserved to go home.) Now I'm recording CSI and Who's the Boss? for later veiwing. :D

Pretty boring night really, but I wanted to check in and say hi!

Oh and thank you to everyone who posted comments here and on my other boards about my pics from yesterday! I love ya'll!!!

Hiking, Swimming, Bar-be-que-ing!

We had a blast today. Got up and packed some stuff and headed out to Findley State Park. We roasted hot dogs (I ate deli turkey and cheese lol) and then let the kids swim a little, and took a hike together as a family. We hiked about 2 miles. It was so fun!! I can't wait to go back in August for vacation. We 're going to get a cabin there for a few days.

Here are some pics from today:

Food update...

OK sorry Mr. NUT.... BUT I can not eat 2 cups of food in one sitting. I can not eat carbs. I am sticking to what I was doing before. If it ain't broke...


In other news, I ran in the rain today and wasn't winded. AND I shopped for most of the afternoon and my legs/feet are not hurting at all! YAY! :)

3 months update

I am down a total of 58 lbs. at 3 months post op. :)

I had my 3 mo. check w/ my surgeon yesterday and they said I am ahead of schedule for my loses. :) I feel great. Oh! I just remembered I haven't done my measurements. I'll do those first thing in the morning for comparision.

I am doing ok with eating. Some days I have ZERO appetite, but I did get hammered by my NUT for keeping my carbs so low. He said w/ the low calories that we are intaking I shouldn't keep my carbs lower than 90g a day. EEK! I don't think I can get them that high so for right now I'm just adding some whole wheat tortillas, more veggies and 2 svg. of fruit a day and see what happens. I'm really really scared that it's going to slow down my weight loss, but I'll give it shot. I've been struggling with being really tired lately and I'm thinking that adding some healthy carbs may actually help with that. Ya'll can click on my fitday link on the side to see what I'm eating and how my totals are looking. This is actually helping my protein intake to come up a little too since I'll be having cottage cheese w/ fruit and then some whole wheat products.

I got to see Bobbi and Robin at the appt. That was awesome. The three of us met at the PAT (preadmission testing day) back in March and Robin and I actually had surgery on the the same day and hung out in the hospital together. It was great seeing them and watching all of us in our transformations. They looked wonderful!!

I can't believe how far I've come in only 3 months. :) I am so glad I did this.

It's time for some pictures...

1)BEFORE
2) 3 weeks post op
3) 6 weeks post op
4) 8 weeks/2 months post op
5) 3 months post op

Starvation Mode?

Does it really exsist? Leave a comment and let me know what you think about it. Go.

12 Weeks

I am happy to report I have been much calmer this week. LOL
Unfortunately my period has shown up again. That means in the last say 40 days, I've bleed for about 37 of them. Ugh. Please, someone make it stop! I do think this is adding to my unhappiness. LOL

Anyway... nothing new to report really. I am shrinking. Clothes are getting bigger and bigger every time I wear them. I'm getting a lot of compliments and starting to feel pretty good about it.

I have so much more energy. It's great. :)

The Crazy

I've got it. That's all there is to it. This surgery has made me insane and I hate it. I sat at the diningroom table this a.m. after a blow out fight with DJ, (that my mom had to come referee) and I confessed that I feel like I'm losing my mind. But, thank God I have a caring, wonderful family who is here to help me get through these changes as they come. I admitted I'm angry and what is anger? Nothing but fear. And I have a lot of fear. Fear that my marriage is going to fall apart and that it will be my fault. Fear of being a failure. Fear that I have gone through this surgery and it won't work. Fear that I'll never be anything I planned to be when I was young. Fear that where I am in my life right now is the best there will ever be.

Fear. Gripping. Paralysing. Fear.

So what do I do about it?

I can't eat like I used to.

So instead, I yell and throw things. Not pretty.

I don't like this. I am pushing people away and when I'm alone it won't be because of the surgery, it will be because I'm lashing out and who wants to stick around for that?

Not a single person.

Thankfully, we sat at the table and we talked, we cried, we prayed. It was nice to be able to get my feelings out and feel like I was being heard. In meeting with the surgeon, he failed to mention this aspect of the surgery. He didn't tell me that as I lose weight, and live on 500 calories a day, I will feel naked and exposed. That I won't be able to hide behind food. That it won't make things better anymore. Bills and money issues won't go away. Stress of in-laws and family won't end, in fact, it may get worse, and everyone around me must be given time to adjust to the changes I'm going through as well.

Pre op I swore I wouldn't change, but I have and still am daily. I can't stop it. I actually want it.

I want positive changes though. I don't want to be angry and full of fear of the future. My future is bright. I am blessed and can't let myself be robbed of that. I have a beautiful family that I want to keep. I want my husband to be happy to be home with me and our children to feel peace and love in our home. Our home has always been a happy place and I can't let my anger/fear ruin that. I can't let my fear becoming a self-fulfilled prophesy.

I need to speak blessings over my life when I feel like I'm losing it. I need to look at the positives more than the negatives.

Are there things that I have put up with in my life, that I realize need to change? Yes. Are there issues that I must deal with head on? Of course. Can I do it? You better bet I can.

myspace

11 weeks

A few milestones this week...

I still managed to eek out a 3 lbs. loss this week. AND, I've hit 50 lbs. gone.

Pics-again!

Before:



10 weeks:

Much better...

I have gotten my act back together so to speak. Yesterday was a good food day and today is going well also. The scale still isn't being kind, but that's ok. I deserve it.

I worked 5 hrs this a.m. and now am going to mop the kitchen/bathroom and will do my 2 mile walk. As you see, by my exercise log, I haven't done it in 5 days.

I'm STILL spotting which sucks, b/c it's almost time for my cycle to start again and it really never has ended completely. Blah. One more month of this and things should level out. I hope.

I'm making Chicken Cordon Bleu for dinner tonight. (Thanks Baratric Eating...) I made Zucchini Boats last night and they were fantastic. So fantastic, in fact, that when I went to grab one for lunch today I discovered DJ had eaten the last 3 (THREE!!!). I settled for deli turkey, cheese, tomato, lt. miracle whip and a squirt of mustard on 1/2 a Flat Out wrap. Totally not the same, but food is food, right?


If you can't tell I'm avoiding. Avoiding talking about REAL issues. I am not even sure I have words to describe how I'm feeling right now. I wish I could write. I mean really write. You know, like the professional bloggers I read. The ones who can articulate exactly what is going on and how they feel about it. They paint such a clear picture with their words. I, on the other hand, am lucky if I can express my frustration with DJ's eating the last of the zucchini boats without sounding like a 2nd grader.

Ugh. So many thoughts, but how do I get them out of this head of mine??

Perhaps, I should just start writing. one. word. after. another. until. it's. all. out. there.

I'll work it.

For now I'll just say that I can't believe how many haters there are in my life and how dissappointed I am to hear them accuse me of "changing" as a person already, when I know for a fact, I'm not doing anything or acting any different.

Can't anyone just be happy for me??

Wake Up

The last 3 days have been bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. I have done ZERO exericse. I have eaten not so healthy choices. I have seen no movement on the scale. (Obviously)
It stops today. I really want to explore why I let this happen.

First of all, it started on Tuesday. I woke up and started my day by skipping breakfast. First mistake. Next, I nibbled on a tiny bit of pork for "lunch" before running out the door to the pool. By 3 p.m. I was starving. (Old habits!!!) I grabbed a taco "salad" from the only restaurant in town there. I ate too fast and let myself eat a couple chips. I felt sick immediately. Dumb.

Did it stop there? No.

Wednesday I ate some good but some bad too... I did fine until dinner time and the family wanted to go out. I ordered a grilled cheese on whole wheat and cole slaw. Ate a couple bites of the cole slaw but it wasn't going down well... ended up feeding my sandwich to Gabe and I ate about 1/2 a piece of cheese, 1/2 a piece of bread and 5 french fries dipped in ranch. ugh.

Yesterday I was on the go all day and ate a few bites out of a KFC chicken bowl, and finished the night off w/ Domino's thin crust pizza.

You can check yesterday out on my fitday link.

So... why am I confessing all of this?

I'm not sure, but I know it's emotional eating and I am deteremined to deal with my emotions and get control over this before my appetite and capacity for eating more returns.

I ate 1.5 pieces of thin crust pizza. In the past, I'd have eaten nearly the whole pizza so I'm not really conserned with that right now. What I AM concerned with is the FEELINGS I had when I was going for that pizza.

I've been feeling very emotional lately. AND my hormones are a mess. TOM never did stop when I thought it did and so I've almost been bleeding for a month now. That isn't good. When the pizza arrived (That DJ actually ordered) I smelled it and those old feelings came rushing back. In fact, as I was getting it out of the box I coudln't help but stuff a piece of pepperoni in my mouth.

When I used to binge I would get this "surge" where I couldn't shovel it in fast enough. I couldn't even taste it I would eat so fast and just keep shoveling it in until I felt like I could burst.

It freaked me out to feel that surge. Of course I had to stop after a tiny bit, but I seriously need to not allow that "surge" to come over me. I need a new outlet. I need to learn how to deal with my emotions. But how?

Right now I'm at a loss.

I can tell you one thing. Eating junk is over. I stocked up my cupboards and fridge yesterday with nothing but healthy foods. I made a menu for the week with recipes I got from baratric eating and I will not let myself get out of control again like that. I don't know what it's going to take, but I'm going to do this. I AM going to reach my goals and I will fight tooth and nail to keep from being a WLS statistic that gains their weight back.

I've come too far already to go back.

I AM IN CONTROL OF ME.

10 weeks update

We had a very busy weekend. Cedar Point was a blast and I fit on every ride I went on. Woo hoo! lol I can't believe how nervous I was about that. Anyway... that will never happen again. By next summer I'll be at goal or below!

This a.m. I weighed 229 which puts me down 4 lbs. for the week. yay! TOM finally stopped after about 20 days or so. Ick.

I am in the 220's too!! :) That 199 mark is getting very close! :D

I am off to get some coffee and then walk my 2 miles!

JEALOUSY

Boy did it ever raise it's ugly head today.

Just got a phone call from a member of DJ's family and was informed that they were trying to lose weight the "hard way" as I had taken the "easy way out".

I prompty told them to save their drama for their mama and hung up the phone.

Idiots. Seriously.

I started b/c I made the comment to my SIL that this person had not lost their baby weight. That was all I said. Nothing less, nothing more. That turned into... "You said I'm fat, and that my mom has gained back her weight too..But just to let you know we're doing it the hard way, not the easy way like you". Whatev.

Toxic person. Adios.

There is no room for people like this in my life.

I did call SIL who I love dearly and it was traced back to her repeating the comment I had made. I am not denying that I said this person had not lost baby weight. I did say it. But not with malice, I just looked at a pic and made a comment.

It isn't like no one ever commented on my weight behind my back. It happens. It's what we woman do. Sorry, but it's the truth.

People have always been jealous of me. Fat or not. I am a talented singer, a good mom, I have a great family and home, a wonderful husband, gorgeous, adorable kids... And now I'm getting fit and they can't handle it.

Oh well. Fire away, but understand that I don't care. I like me. And I'm proud of what I'm doing. You can call it, "the easy way out" all you want to. Your words don't effect me anymore. This Amber, doesn't need your approval.