(Week 1, Day 2--Couch to 5K)

I have never been much of a runner. Ever. I remember those yearly presidential fitness tests that our gym teacher would force us to do in school. It was humiliating to be the kid in the class who could barely do 1 chin up, only make it to the second knot on the rope, and last to come in after the mile run. I remember one year, in high school, huffing and puffing so badly around the track, that I thought for sure I'd die. One guy came back after he finished his mile and ran with me. You know the type... the ones who look like a gazelle as they run. They almost look at if their legs just sort of bounce off the ground as they fly through the air. He was that guy, and he cheered me on all the way to the finish. It was a nice jesture, but I felt so "less than" in that moment. This guy, runs back, cheers for me...and all I can do is think about how I wish the earth would open up and swallow me. I still don't know his motive. Was he being nice? Was he making fun of me in a passive aggressive sort of way? I think he genuinely was helping, but I was humilated. He was barely jogging beside me, and there I was, sweat dripping, out of breath, clomping down the track... I felt so heavy.
He ran like a gazelle. I ran like King Kong. He floated. I caused earthquakes.

Or so it felt.

Workout 1 was rough. I did it, but I screamed, I grunted, I yelled. I felt like that chubby 10th grader all over again. I was sure it sounded like I would crash thru the floor at any moment, to those downstairs beneath me. But shaking the house or not, I finished.

And I will finish again today. :)

Today

It has been 1 year and 9 months since my surgery. Wow.

I guess it's only fitting that today I start a new chapter.

I am starting the couch to 5K program today. Why is my heart beating fast and my palms sweaty? Seriously, why does a commitment to exercise scare me so much? Probably b/c I'm afraid of failing more than anything. How can I not fail? Never start. But as Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working out for ya?" Not good.

So, it's time. I see that if I'm ever going to maintain this weight loss, I'm going to have to move, consistantly, and stop being a big whiner baby. Why come this far and still be flabby, and weak and depressed, and flabby.

I've got my eating under control again. Two full week of clean eating, water drinking, etc. The exercise is only going to improve my health even more.

So, the treadmill awaits, I've got the podcast downloaded on the Zune, and I am going to do this.

In a few weeks, I'll be running.

(This is an old journal entry from years ago, when I was doing Atkins for the millionth time....
11/25/04
I had the most amazing dream last night. And when I woke up, I felt even better because I knew it was attainable.

Sure we have all had the "cheating"dreams. You know the one where you are scarfing down 1/2 a cheesecake or diving into a table spread w/ every treat imaginable. These dreams always make me feel horrible upon returning to reality.

The dream I had last night was awesome though.

I was standing in front of my friends house and suddenly I decided we should go for a run. First of all, I don't run. I'd like to but can't. Well not until now that is.

I took off down the street. I felt like I was flying. I felt so light and with each step I felt so free. I ran and I ran and I ran. Never getting tired, never losing my breath, never having to stop to pant or get a drink of water. I just ran. NOthing stopped me. Nothing held me back.

Pure freedom.

I woke up and I decided I can do this.

I can run like that and it will happen in the future if I stay true to myself and stay true to this woe.

I know running isn't that simple in real life. I know it will take blood, sweat and tears to get to the point I was in my dream. But more than anything I want to feel that freedom.

Freedom from fat. Freedom from being bound by my weight. I know what I have to do. And by not cheating today I am one step closer to reaching my ultimate goal.

I will run and not look back.)

Wow.

I was wondering around an old shutterfly account and found this photo today:
Christmas 2006











Christmas 2008

For comparison

The video of me singing Oh Holy Night in the red sweater... I was 150 lbs.

This is what I look like today:

Snowed In

We are snowed in again. It seems the last few years have given us a good week of dumping several inches (or feet) of snow on us and cutting us off from society. It usually is around this time of year.
So here are we are cozy, warm, playing games, watching movies, cooking...

I normally go into hermit/mom mode and want to feed everyone. What is that? Hibernation? Something like that. There may be something hardwired in my brain that urges me to "fatten" us up or something. I am fighting tooth and nail to not even go there!

It could be boredom too. Really you can only watch so many episodes of House or Grey's, clean out so many closets, download so many songs, play so games, and surf so many websites before you lose. your. mind.

The kids hit their limit a few hours ago and so I sent them outside to "sled". They were back in, in 30 mins... I fed them beef stew and hot chocolate and now they are sleepy from the cold and finally quiet watching "Kung Fu Panda" w/ Daddy.

So...right now... I'm cooking enough grilled chicken to last me for two days and also making some concoction of yummy goodness for them to munch on.

So yeah, the point to my blog. I could use this time to eat, but I'm choosing to stick with what I've been doing. I've got a good solid week of clean eating under my belt... Down 7 lbs. and feeling GOOD. No hypoglycemic issues this week, lots of energy, my skin looks better... I look and feel better.

I'm not willing to sacrifice that, just b/c I"m bored and snowed in. :)

For some good entertainment watch this:

A week of back to basics...

has put me down 7 lbs. :) Ah. Feels nice and shows that even at almost 2 years old, if I follow rules, I lose weight!

A few days into 2009...

I've been doing much better on eating and drinking water and behaving like a good RNY girl. It is paying off already. The scale isn't showing much, in terms of weight loss, but I do FEEL better and that is more important. I haven't had any hypoglycemic issues in the last few days of clean eating either. Imagine that?!

I will be uploading a video soon to YouTube since I haven't done a vlog in about a month!

Hope 2009 is treating everyone good so far!

We are potty training Gabey this week... Oy!

Last Day of 2008...

Last week sometime I made a vlog stating that this year would be first year that "weight loss" wouldn't be a New Years Resolution for me. So after thinking about my current struggles and trying to stay with a "lifestyle" change, instead of "crash diets" I have spent the last 3 days coming to terms with what I've been doing to myself.
I am not making a New Years Resolution. Nope. Not doing it. I will not set a certain goal of weight loss and I won't say that I'll exercise 6 times a week, b/c long term, I won't. Instead, I'll tell you what I will do, for me, b/c I love me and I am keeping myself healthy.

I WILL make healthy choices. When protein sits before me, and a carb... I will try to, more often than not, eat the protein. :)

I WILL walk on my treadmill.

I WILL chose me.

I WILL love me.

I WILL be me.

:) And if I never see 132 lbs. again, it's ok, b/c I promise you, I will never be morbidly obese again. Ever. And wasn't that the plan in the first place?


Happy 2009!

Thoughts to other RNYers...

This was a post I "almost" put up on a message board I go to, but I didnt' want to hurt anyones feelings or start drama so I'll just post it here...

...All I am saying to everyone in this thread is that this is a struggle and its hard. Food demons are real and hard to beat. Sometimes at night it's all I can do to not go in the kitchen and graze from 7 p.m.-9 p.m. I literally feel hunger pangs (head hunger manifesting?) and have to almost sit on my hands so I don't go and eat empty pointless calories. But we have to do this. One day, one hour, one moment at a time. One right choice after another. Making good habits.
I'm not saying you can never have a cheeseburger again, but I certainly would hope that it isn't on a normal menu sample as something that you even eat weekly. I remember eating 3 french fries when I was about a year post op and they felt thick in my throat, got stuck and made me ill. Now, at almost 2 years out I can eat a small order. By next year I'll bet I can eat a medium order, which means there will be a day when I could probably eat a value meal w/ fries and a drink again. BUT, if I eat that just b/c I can...I'm going to end up back at 277 lbs. That is how I got there in the first place. So, what is the answer? Not totally relying on restriction b/c that will go away with time, but instead relying on good choices!! Relying on good habits that I formed in the honeymoon stage.
I have a saying on my fridge...it's simple, but has gotten me thru some rough moments..

"I can't eat anything I want to... no one can."
What that means is, surgery or no surgery, people, if health is their goal, cannot eat anything they want to. So, I shouldn't feel deprived or upset. I should realize that I am no different than anyone else that is a healthy person. When I ate whatever my body craved, I paid a high price...weight gain, sore muscles, health problems, a shortened life span....

I hope I don't sound high and mighty in this thread. I don't intend to. Anyone who reads my blog or watches my videos knows my struggles. At the same time, I am further out than a lot of us here, and I have experienced things that you guys haven't yet. I didn't want to believe it during my honeymoon phase either... I didn't want to believe that my new pouch wouldn't always restrict me and keep me in my caloric parameters w/o very much effort on my part... I didn't want to believe that eventually the fat would stop melting off... I didn't want to believe I could actually regain weight so soon. I wanted to close my ears to "protein first, lots of water, and exercise" as being the key long term. In the first year some slight indescresions don't seem to make much difference on the scale. Trust me, after 18 months they show. And they show fast.

24 hours later

I already feel better. One day of clean eating and I lost 3 lbs. (of water and overall puffiness). Ah. Now, one foot in front of the other, I keep going.
We are going to a waterpark/hotel tonight. DJ's work offered them a "getaway" package at a huge discount and so we are heading out in a few hours. I also need to exchange an outfit that I got for Christmas. I got one of those cute fur hoodies from Aero, but it's about 5 inches from zipping in the front. /Sigh. Stupid junior sizing. LOL
I hate that I had to post such a dower post yesterday and now I'm tempted to delete it, but I won't. It's real. I guess I hope people aren't judging me and thinking I'm a failure already. I already feel it in real life. When I walk in a room, I feel everyones eyes on me...gauging if I'm bigger, the same, or smaller than I was when they last saw me. I know people do this. They are all sitting back waiting for me to gain all the weight back like I have every other time. That's not to say that they want me to fail. I actually think they do want me to be successful, BUT I also think they are waiting and watching, to see if this thing is going to work long term.
Anyone that has yo yo dieted knows exactly what I am talking about. I am not going to let that happen. 150 lbs is my barrier. I won't go over that. I just won't. I saw it yesterday, took matters back into my own hands, and bam, I'm down to 147 today. I plan on being back to my "comfort zone" of 138-142 in a few weeks.
Thank God for RNY. Thank God for making this thing manageable. Losing 10 lbs. is so much easier than losing 150 lbs. I will not forfiet this great oppurtunity I've been given. I have my tool. I have the knowledge. I have the determination.
So, people in real life, famiy, friends, blog readers, vlog watchers....watch away. You're going to watch me succeed. :)

Truth

This is a difficult post to write.

We are a few days passed Christmas and I stepped on the scale this a.m. to see the "Christmas Damage".

It was bad.

First, let me get the excuses out of the way. a) I am days away from starting my period. b) I ate a bunch of left over ham yesterday and am probably retaining water.


But, my lowest weight was 132 lbs.

This a.m. I weighed 150.0. Right on the dot. I set 150 as my "barrier". I said if I ever got there I'd take control before it kept climbing. Little did I know I would be there this soon post op. That I would be fighting re-gain at only 21 months post op.

How did this happen? Old habits. I grazed non stop for the entire month of December. I ate Christmas cookies for dinner. I drank with my meals. I did zero exercise. I feel/felt out of control. I would walk in the kitchen and just start shoving things in my mouth like I used to. The exact way I ate before surgery. Of course, the volume was less, the out of control shoveling was the same.

I can't button my jeans. My muffin top has grown. I feel puffy everywhere.

What scared me was the horrible hypoglycemic episode I had the day after Christmas. DJ and I got up and ran out the door to shop and on the way out the door, I grabbed a thermos of coffee and 3 chocolate covered pretzels. By the time we were pulling into the neighboring town about 30 mins later I was shaking, sweating, dizzy and losing my mind. I couldn't speak. My head was spinning and I knew my sugar had dropped. It was the worst episode yet. I couldn't even form words to tell DJ I needed something... He whipped into Wendy's, grabbed a frosty and made me take a few bites. Of course, it brought my sugar up, but it crashed again later in the day. I cannot keep doing this. I didn't have this surgery to eat junk, and pass out in public. I didn't lose all this weight just to gain it back.

When will I realize that I have to keep good habits and stop dabbling in the old ones? I said on a youtube video last week, that this year was the first year that my New Years Resolution wouldn't be weight related. Hmm. I guess I was wrong. BUT, I'm not waiting til the New Year. I started back on track and back to basics this morning. I've got my vitamins all dispensed in my pill box for the day, I had a protein shake for breakfast and plan on getting 70 oz of water in today. Oh, and no diet pop.

I will walk on my treadmill too.

I can do this. I'm taking control back.

I said my blog would be real and that I wouldn't sugar coat. So there you have it. The reality of post op life at almost 2 years out. Not very glamorous is it? But its real. :)

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!
This is a video of me singing at our Christmas Eve service last night. :) My mom is playing the piano for me. She is awesome! :)

I hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

Vegging...

I have NO energy. Zero. I don't know what is wrong with me. I slept yesterday for 3 hours in the afternoon, then slept 10 hrs. last night. I could go back to sleep right now. Eek. I'm sitting here drinking coffee and totally unmotivated and lame. LOL

Merry Christmas!

Kidney Stones...again.

My pee parts have not been "ok" since the last bout w/ the stones. Seriously, something has just not felt right. I actually have gone to the doctor and been tested twice for UTI/bladder infections that all came back normal. I think the stones are just really doing some damage. Yesterday the symptoms started again, but this time I high tailed it to the ER before it got out of hand and let them drug me and fluid me up... I came home dry heaving from the diladad...ugh. I couldn't lift my head off the pillow with out spinning and gettign super nauseated. I was/am miserable. The pain is controlled now though for the most part. I just hope this little bugger passes quickly. I hate you kidney stones. :(

In other news, I so badly want to post pics of my chirstmas tree. It is the most beautiful tree I have ever seen. It is real and perfect. But, alas, my dig camera is broken. :( When I feel better I'm taking it back to Best Buy and cashing in on that waranty. Hopefully, they will give me a new one or fix this one and I'll be back to picture taking by Christmas.

Oh...another sad thing? I've been forbidden to drink milk until this kidney things works itself out. There go my lattes. *cries*