Before!
3/30/08
Vacation and Work....
Vacation was a blast and I have some pics to post in a bit. :) I'm hoping the bathingsuit pics haven't scared all my faithful readers away.
We left early on Friday and got to the hotel by 11. DJ pre-registered us and we got into the waterpark around 11:30. It was so fun and perfectly age appropriate for our kids. There were no deep water pools except for the hot tub over in the corner and it was easy to keep the kids out of that area. There were a few wading pools and two giant waterslides that twisted and turned, outside and back in and emptied into a small pool at the bottom. So fun!
After a short wait, that was sorta hairy w/ the kids, we got into our room around 3. We cleaned up and headed out for dinner. What was funny was that my phone rang and it was my brother. He and his gf and her kids were at the same hotel as us, without us even knowing that the other was there! They ended up leaving though b/c they have older kids and it just isn't geared for them.
So off to dinner.. We ate at Max and Ermas... I ordered some "no guilt" black bean wrap appitizer that was far too spicy for my taste. I ended up picking at everyone else's food though and got pretty satisfied. ;)
Later we did disco bowling which was fun and DJ and the girls did laser tag. We were in bed though by 10:30 and all of us went to sleep quick.
The next morning we were up early for a continental breakfast and back into the water park by 9 a.m. We stayed there until 11 and then packed up and checked out.
We spent some time at the mall and then ate lunch at Friendlys... the kids choice! I went for a grilled chicken breast, cottage cheese and veggies. Yum! We arrived home around 3 and I had to get ready for my 12 hr. shift at work.
We had a great time though and I am so glad we went!! It was perfect!
Pics in the next post!
We left early on Friday and got to the hotel by 11. DJ pre-registered us and we got into the waterpark around 11:30. It was so fun and perfectly age appropriate for our kids. There were no deep water pools except for the hot tub over in the corner and it was easy to keep the kids out of that area. There were a few wading pools and two giant waterslides that twisted and turned, outside and back in and emptied into a small pool at the bottom. So fun!
After a short wait, that was sorta hairy w/ the kids, we got into our room around 3. We cleaned up and headed out for dinner. What was funny was that my phone rang and it was my brother. He and his gf and her kids were at the same hotel as us, without us even knowing that the other was there! They ended up leaving though b/c they have older kids and it just isn't geared for them.
So off to dinner.. We ate at Max and Ermas... I ordered some "no guilt" black bean wrap appitizer that was far too spicy for my taste. I ended up picking at everyone else's food though and got pretty satisfied. ;)
Later we did disco bowling which was fun and DJ and the girls did laser tag. We were in bed though by 10:30 and all of us went to sleep quick.
The next morning we were up early for a continental breakfast and back into the water park by 9 a.m. We stayed there until 11 and then packed up and checked out.
We spent some time at the mall and then ate lunch at Friendlys... the kids choice! I went for a grilled chicken breast, cottage cheese and veggies. Yum! We arrived home around 3 and I had to get ready for my 12 hr. shift at work.
We had a great time though and I am so glad we went!! It was perfect!
Pics in the next post!
3/29/08
Quick Post
We are home, but I got called in to work a 12 hr. shift tonight (6p-6a)... Ugh. Wish me luck as I am exhausted, have had no sleep and now will be up til tomorrow a.m. Blah.
Our trip was so fun!! I have ton of pics but will work on getting them posted tomorrow. I will, however, post a bathingsuit one now... I know you're all waiting. haha!
The third one is blurry for some reason.... anyway... here goes...
Our trip was so fun!! I have ton of pics but will work on getting them posted tomorrow. I will, however, post a bathingsuit one now... I know you're all waiting. haha!
The third one is blurry for some reason.... anyway... here goes...
3/28/08
The dreaded bathing suit shopping trip...
We are going away this weekend and it required that I purchase a bathing suit. The damage done by being MO for most of my 20's was revealed in all it's "glory". I ended up w/ a size 8 top and size 4/6 bottom--a tankini style bathing suit, that "mostly" hid the problem areas. Honestly, it was a horrible experience. I weigh 144 lbs. and still look terrible in a bathing suit. :( My boobs are gone.. and what's left is long and flat. I have always had plenty in that area and now... nothing. It's so weird!!
On top of that, I didn't notice my thighs were looking wrinkley on top, until I tried on the suit. Even my armpits have stretch marks. My belly? Shudders. Let not go there.
Is it some kind of cruel joke, to lose the weight and still look terrible?? I really regret being MO and basically ruining my body by stretching it to the max, b/c now I have two choices. Undergo more surgeries to fix my skin or live w/ it and deal w/ serious body image issues.
My mother is once again driving me bonkers too. She is 50 but has always been thin and pretty and I was always big w/ a "pretty face". I think she liked the fact that I was not her size. Now, I'm smaller and it is driving her insane. I know she's trying hard to be supportive, but she is having a midlife crisis and I get the brunt of it at times. If I say anything about my belly skin, she claims she has it too... or if I say I need my boobs back, she laughs and says.."That's what happens when you get older".. I'm only 29!!!
She was behind me 100% when I had the gastric bypass... what has changed?? We were in a store a few months ago and I needed jeans in a certain size, but needed the short length... all I could find was long... and the sales girl asked me if I needed help. I said, "Yes, I'm looking for size (I think it was a 9 at the time) in the shorter length"... She told me they didn't have any and I said ok thanks. My mom turns around and says to the girl, "Well, we are just happy she's in a size 9!"
Seriously? I asked her what in the world she was doing... and she said, "What? We are!"
She's made comments about me not losing any more weight, and that I better be eating, etc.
Right now, I feel stuck.. I'm in a body that I'm glad is smaller, BUT I'm in a body that looks like it's been in a war. I feel beautiful, and smaller in clothes, but when the clothes come off. Ick. I'm disgusted.
I knew the skin issues would be present, but I really thought that youth would be on my side and I know my skin isn't as bad as some, but it still bothers me.
Anyway... DJ just pulled in and we need to pack and get on the road. I'll be back tomorrow and will post pics of our trip and me in my bathing suit. Oy vey. :)
On top of that, I didn't notice my thighs were looking wrinkley on top, until I tried on the suit. Even my armpits have stretch marks. My belly? Shudders. Let not go there.
Is it some kind of cruel joke, to lose the weight and still look terrible?? I really regret being MO and basically ruining my body by stretching it to the max, b/c now I have two choices. Undergo more surgeries to fix my skin or live w/ it and deal w/ serious body image issues.
My mother is once again driving me bonkers too. She is 50 but has always been thin and pretty and I was always big w/ a "pretty face". I think she liked the fact that I was not her size. Now, I'm smaller and it is driving her insane. I know she's trying hard to be supportive, but she is having a midlife crisis and I get the brunt of it at times. If I say anything about my belly skin, she claims she has it too... or if I say I need my boobs back, she laughs and says.."That's what happens when you get older".. I'm only 29!!!
She was behind me 100% when I had the gastric bypass... what has changed?? We were in a store a few months ago and I needed jeans in a certain size, but needed the short length... all I could find was long... and the sales girl asked me if I needed help. I said, "Yes, I'm looking for size (I think it was a 9 at the time) in the shorter length"... She told me they didn't have any and I said ok thanks. My mom turns around and says to the girl, "Well, we are just happy she's in a size 9!"
Seriously? I asked her what in the world she was doing... and she said, "What? We are!"
She's made comments about me not losing any more weight, and that I better be eating, etc.
Right now, I feel stuck.. I'm in a body that I'm glad is smaller, BUT I'm in a body that looks like it's been in a war. I feel beautiful, and smaller in clothes, but when the clothes come off. Ick. I'm disgusted.
I knew the skin issues would be present, but I really thought that youth would be on my side and I know my skin isn't as bad as some, but it still bothers me.
Anyway... DJ just pulled in and we need to pack and get on the road. I'll be back tomorrow and will post pics of our trip and me in my bathing suit. Oy vey. :)
3/25/08
New friends, and attention...
I started my new job about a week and a half ago, and I work w/ all girls... and they ALL are so nice and accepting of me. They talk to me and ask me questions and tell me they like my hair or my scrubs... that I look pretty and they can't believe I"m 29. They talk about tanning and nails and hair and makeup w/ me. They talk about shopping and their favorite stores, and how they wish they could drop 10 lbs. Yesterday, as another girl and I were transfering a patient she commented on how tiny I was for having 3 kids. I said thank you and quickly changed the subject.
I haven't told anyone about the surgery or about how much weight I've lost because I walked in there weighing 148 lbs. and they are none the wiser. My weight is not an issue anymore. These girls see me and we have things in common... I used to walk into a room and easily be the biggest one there. Now, I'm one of the smallest. The girls include me in their conversations, they accept me.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel great. All through Jr. High I was pudgy, and that is when the segregation started. They never said it, but the seperation started then... They'd leave the last chair on the end open for me, then soon, there was no chair, and I was sitting alone. As my weight increased, the popular girls that had been my friends in grade school, started ignoring me. I didn't get invited to the slumber parties anymore...By high school I had two very close friends and we pretty much kept to ourselves. We had friends and I actually was voted senior year to have the prettiest eyes in our class. The three of us won, "Best of friends" too, but it was different. They guys didnt pay attention to me anymore. How many times, I heard, "You have such a beautiful face".... in fact, one upperclassman actually said, "I'd ask her out if she lost some weight. She's beautiful, but...."
So now, I go places and people just automatically accept me. And it isn't b/c of who I am... it is strictly b/c of how I look. As a bigger person I constantly said, "People should know me for me! I'm a great person!" and I was. And those who did take the time to know me, knew that... but I can't help but admit that when you are thinner person, life when it comes to social interaction is a hundred times easier!
When I had first had surgery, and we'd be out to dinner, the waitress would always ask me if something was wrong w/ my food. I'm sure in her mind she thought, that if me, the big girl, didn't clean my plate something was wrong. Now, while I'm 10 lbs from goal, the waitress NEVER says a word or if she does she'll make a joke about huge portions for us litte girls, and bring me a box.
I'm living in a new world!
I am starting to see though, that I am still the same Amber, only better. I am truly rediscovering myself inside and out. In every situation, I am learning new ways to react and behave.
It is all so new and I'm trying hard not to make any more mistakes. I don't want to let the acceptance of other people change me. It does remove a lot of anxiety in social situations though, b/c now I can be confident and be myself and not worry about the way I look. That is a nice feeling.
I haven't told anyone about the surgery or about how much weight I've lost because I walked in there weighing 148 lbs. and they are none the wiser. My weight is not an issue anymore. These girls see me and we have things in common... I used to walk into a room and easily be the biggest one there. Now, I'm one of the smallest. The girls include me in their conversations, they accept me.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel great. All through Jr. High I was pudgy, and that is when the segregation started. They never said it, but the seperation started then... They'd leave the last chair on the end open for me, then soon, there was no chair, and I was sitting alone. As my weight increased, the popular girls that had been my friends in grade school, started ignoring me. I didn't get invited to the slumber parties anymore...By high school I had two very close friends and we pretty much kept to ourselves. We had friends and I actually was voted senior year to have the prettiest eyes in our class. The three of us won, "Best of friends" too, but it was different. They guys didnt pay attention to me anymore. How many times, I heard, "You have such a beautiful face".... in fact, one upperclassman actually said, "I'd ask her out if she lost some weight. She's beautiful, but...."
So now, I go places and people just automatically accept me. And it isn't b/c of who I am... it is strictly b/c of how I look. As a bigger person I constantly said, "People should know me for me! I'm a great person!" and I was. And those who did take the time to know me, knew that... but I can't help but admit that when you are thinner person, life when it comes to social interaction is a hundred times easier!
When I had first had surgery, and we'd be out to dinner, the waitress would always ask me if something was wrong w/ my food. I'm sure in her mind she thought, that if me, the big girl, didn't clean my plate something was wrong. Now, while I'm 10 lbs from goal, the waitress NEVER says a word or if she does she'll make a joke about huge portions for us litte girls, and bring me a box.
I'm living in a new world!
I am starting to see though, that I am still the same Amber, only better. I am truly rediscovering myself inside and out. In every situation, I am learning new ways to react and behave.
It is all so new and I'm trying hard not to make any more mistakes. I don't want to let the acceptance of other people change me. It does remove a lot of anxiety in social situations though, b/c now I can be confident and be myself and not worry about the way I look. That is a nice feeling.
3/23/08
I see it for possibly the first time.
I've lost 130 lbs. and when I looked at this picture I finally saw it!
Easter
Here are some pics from today:
1)Abby
2) Hannah
3)DJ and Me
4) Me, my gram, and my mom
5) Me in my Easter garb. :)
6) Gabe yawning and trying to get away from the camera
1)Abby
2) Hannah
3)DJ and Me
4) Me, my gram, and my mom
5) Me in my Easter garb. :)
6) Gabe yawning and trying to get away from the camera
3/22/08
Decisions
So... as far as weight goes... I am 146 lbs today. 136 would put me at a healthy weight for my height. It would be on the high end, but I never went into this wanting to be skin and bones or 100 lbs.
Last night, DJ told me how beautiful I am, and how good I look, but also commented that I am boney and that I'm losing my butt. LOL I am going to change my goal to 136 for now. Especially since I've not had plastics and I know I have at least 10 lbs. of skin that could be removed, meaning that right now I'm more like 136 of actual weight. So.. if I weigh 136 that would probably be 126 for anyone else w/o the skin and that is perfect in my mind. I'm sure I will dip lower anyway before hitting a stable point since I am only 11 months out. I dont' want to be a boney little thing for my husband who wants some junk in the truck! haha!!
I will say though..sit ups are in my future!!
Last night, DJ told me how beautiful I am, and how good I look, but also commented that I am boney and that I'm losing my butt. LOL I am going to change my goal to 136 for now. Especially since I've not had plastics and I know I have at least 10 lbs. of skin that could be removed, meaning that right now I'm more like 136 of actual weight. So.. if I weigh 136 that would probably be 126 for anyone else w/o the skin and that is perfect in my mind. I'm sure I will dip lower anyway before hitting a stable point since I am only 11 months out. I dont' want to be a boney little thing for my husband who wants some junk in the truck! haha!!
I will say though..sit ups are in my future!!
Forgiveness = Freedom
There have been many people in my life that have caused me pain. It started when I was young, and has just continued on. I could make a list and I could honestly say that I have hopelessly struggled to forgive each person. But even though in my mind I knew I needed to forgive, not for them but for me, my heart and gut held bitterness.
When I started on this weight loss journey, I vowed to come out a better person. A better wife, a better mom, the same Amber but better, and though there have bumps along the road, that is still my goal.
The last two years, have brought me some of the biggest trials and challenges of my life, and it has left wounds and scars as well. Some wounds have healed, but others were so deep, that they still feel like they are as fresh and as open and raw, as when they first came. I'll pass the person on the road or will see them out somewhere and instantly my heart starts beating fast, my face turns red and I want to run for cover or I want to charge them and beat the living daylights out of them. LOL. At any rate, I am finally chosing to let go.
Letting go isn't easy of course. That means, no more blame for anything, can be put on them. It means, starting over. It means, I have to just allow them to be human and realize we all make mistakes. It takes time, and it takes chosing forgiveness over hatred, maybe more than one time. When I see them out and those old feelings start to surface, I will have to remind myself that I've forgiven them. I am taking control of me...of my heart and mind and unforgiveness isn't welcome there.
I need a few people to forgive me too. Maybe they already have, I don't know. But I do know that if the opportunity presents itself, I will apologize to those I've wronged.
I feel as if I'm standing at fork in the road. One way is happiness, forgiveness and peace... the pathway is bright and clear and full of blessings. The other is dark, and uphill and winds around in circle, never really going anywhere. It is overgrown w/ thick vines of hatred. It is the path of bitterness and unforgiveness. There is no baggage allowed on the path of forgiveness. It has to be laid down and forgotten. Left behind forever.
I will chose the path of light. This includes forgiving myself. I forgive myself for things I've done wrong, for killing myself slowly with food, for allowing addictions to over take me, for being weak and for giving up. It's ok. It's over now.
Today is a new day. A fresh start.
I love life. I love that I can chose to start over and that it isn't dependant upon anyone else. People will say and do what they want, but I can only control what my reaction is. No more will I let other peoples words, thoughts, actions or feeling dictate what I do in my life.
As I step on the new path, I feel a slight twinge of fear as I lay these things down. It's hard to let go of it all. Though it has wounded me deep and caused pain beyond measure, in a way, it had become my comfort. It was my hurt, it was my pain. It belonged to me. It has become so familiar and though it's slowly been killing me, I've clutched on tighter than ever. As if my hanging on was bringing pain to the other party. No. It never works that way. Lay it down, and walk.
Go. It's time to let go. My fresh start is here.
When I started on this weight loss journey, I vowed to come out a better person. A better wife, a better mom, the same Amber but better, and though there have bumps along the road, that is still my goal.
The last two years, have brought me some of the biggest trials and challenges of my life, and it has left wounds and scars as well. Some wounds have healed, but others were so deep, that they still feel like they are as fresh and as open and raw, as when they first came. I'll pass the person on the road or will see them out somewhere and instantly my heart starts beating fast, my face turns red and I want to run for cover or I want to charge them and beat the living daylights out of them. LOL. At any rate, I am finally chosing to let go.
Letting go isn't easy of course. That means, no more blame for anything, can be put on them. It means, starting over. It means, I have to just allow them to be human and realize we all make mistakes. It takes time, and it takes chosing forgiveness over hatred, maybe more than one time. When I see them out and those old feelings start to surface, I will have to remind myself that I've forgiven them. I am taking control of me...of my heart and mind and unforgiveness isn't welcome there.
I need a few people to forgive me too. Maybe they already have, I don't know. But I do know that if the opportunity presents itself, I will apologize to those I've wronged.
I feel as if I'm standing at fork in the road. One way is happiness, forgiveness and peace... the pathway is bright and clear and full of blessings. The other is dark, and uphill and winds around in circle, never really going anywhere. It is overgrown w/ thick vines of hatred. It is the path of bitterness and unforgiveness. There is no baggage allowed on the path of forgiveness. It has to be laid down and forgotten. Left behind forever.
I will chose the path of light. This includes forgiving myself. I forgive myself for things I've done wrong, for killing myself slowly with food, for allowing addictions to over take me, for being weak and for giving up. It's ok. It's over now.
Today is a new day. A fresh start.
I love life. I love that I can chose to start over and that it isn't dependant upon anyone else. People will say and do what they want, but I can only control what my reaction is. No more will I let other peoples words, thoughts, actions or feeling dictate what I do in my life.
As I step on the new path, I feel a slight twinge of fear as I lay these things down. It's hard to let go of it all. Though it has wounded me deep and caused pain beyond measure, in a way, it had become my comfort. It was my hurt, it was my pain. It belonged to me. It has become so familiar and though it's slowly been killing me, I've clutched on tighter than ever. As if my hanging on was bringing pain to the other party. No. It never works that way. Lay it down, and walk.
Go. It's time to let go. My fresh start is here.
3/21/08
16 lbs. to go...
16 lbs. to get my goal.
10 lbs will put my BMI at 24.9 and I will be in a healthy weight range.
WOW.
Those are small numbers. I can't believe how close I am! At the same time what do I do now? What do I focus my attention on after a year of having the surgery and the weight loss be in the forefront of my mind all the time? How do I maintain what I've lost? How often should I weigh myself?
See, I've lived two lives. The "I'm-on-a-diet" life and the "I-can-eat-whatever-I-want,-as-much-as-I-want-b/c-I'm-going-on-a-diet-next-week" life. I've never lived the "I-am-at-a-healthy-weight-and-just-need-to-maintain" life. Ever. I don't know what it feels like or how to act or what to eat or how to live. It's all new. I went on my first diet in 7th grade and even before that I knew I was a chubby girl w/ a round face. When I was 5 years old, I remember my mom telling me that I didn't "need" dessert. Way to go Mom. Thanks for putting your weight/food issues on me... what I was 5!
Anyway, this is a new place for me, and while I still have a few pounds to lose, I want to start getting ready mentally for this new place. One thing I am excited about is getting to buy new clothes and getting to wear them for longer than a month or two if I'm lucky! lol
OH, which reminds me, I put on a size 6 skirt from Old Navy yesterday, that belonged to my bff and it fit perfectly. It was actually kinda loose. I couldn't even wrap my brain around it and decided it was made big. LOL I'm going to go to Old Navy this weekend again and try some stuff on. I need spring/summer clothes and need to get a little at a time so as not to break the bank.
Work is going great. I worked 4 days this week and they tried to call me in again today but I said no. I needed a break. I really like my job, but I am mentally drained after 4 days in a row and my back needs a break too! Since I started there a week ago, I broke my stall and lost 7 lbs. Seriously, that job is like an 8 hr. work out. I come home worn out and drenched in sweat, but in a weird way, it feels good to get moving like that.
We don't have any plans for this weekend, but I thought DJ was going to get the 3 days off,but he's only getting Easter off. It totally sucks, but he's getting paid triple time for today's shift, and then time and half for tomorrow. I guess that helps make up the fact that we can't go anywhere now, like we had planned. We'll have dinner at mom's and an egg hunt for the kids Sunday. :)
10 lbs will put my BMI at 24.9 and I will be in a healthy weight range.
WOW.
Those are small numbers. I can't believe how close I am! At the same time what do I do now? What do I focus my attention on after a year of having the surgery and the weight loss be in the forefront of my mind all the time? How do I maintain what I've lost? How often should I weigh myself?
See, I've lived two lives. The "I'm-on-a-diet" life and the "I-can-eat-whatever-I-want,-as-much-as-I-want-b/c-I'm-going-on-a-diet-next-week" life. I've never lived the "I-am-at-a-healthy-weight-and-just-need-to-maintain" life. Ever. I don't know what it feels like or how to act or what to eat or how to live. It's all new. I went on my first diet in 7th grade and even before that I knew I was a chubby girl w/ a round face. When I was 5 years old, I remember my mom telling me that I didn't "need" dessert. Way to go Mom. Thanks for putting your weight/food issues on me... what I was 5!
Anyway, this is a new place for me, and while I still have a few pounds to lose, I want to start getting ready mentally for this new place. One thing I am excited about is getting to buy new clothes and getting to wear them for longer than a month or two if I'm lucky! lol
OH, which reminds me, I put on a size 6 skirt from Old Navy yesterday, that belonged to my bff and it fit perfectly. It was actually kinda loose. I couldn't even wrap my brain around it and decided it was made big. LOL I'm going to go to Old Navy this weekend again and try some stuff on. I need spring/summer clothes and need to get a little at a time so as not to break the bank.
Work is going great. I worked 4 days this week and they tried to call me in again today but I said no. I needed a break. I really like my job, but I am mentally drained after 4 days in a row and my back needs a break too! Since I started there a week ago, I broke my stall and lost 7 lbs. Seriously, that job is like an 8 hr. work out. I come home worn out and drenched in sweat, but in a weird way, it feels good to get moving like that.
We don't have any plans for this weekend, but I thought DJ was going to get the 3 days off,but he's only getting Easter off. It totally sucks, but he's getting paid triple time for today's shift, and then time and half for tomorrow. I guess that helps make up the fact that we can't go anywhere now, like we had planned. We'll have dinner at mom's and an egg hunt for the kids Sunday. :)
3/19/08
130 lbs. GONE
I saw a new low on the scale this a.m. I have lost 130 lbs. in 11 months, 3 days. Wow. :) This is amazing and though it's been so hard at times, physically, mentally, emotionally... I wouldn't change it. This journey is crazy, but so worth it.
3/17/08
I tell you,
I love you girls. Honestly, who knew friends that you meet online could be so wonderful. I am so blessed to have you guys! You're comments were wonderful yesterday and today and I feel so lucky to have you guys... who understand me and love me anyways!! :)
I'm off to work... I'll blog when I get home.
Have a great Monday!! :)
I'm off to work... I'll blog when I get home.
Have a great Monday!! :)
3/16/08
Happy Birthday to Me!
I am 29 today. I am healthier/small than I was when I was 14. In 8th grade I was 146 lbs. and wore a size 11. Today I'm 149ish and in a size 8. Of course I'm taller and I know there is vanity sizing so I know that makes a difference but it is what it is.
This birthday was... umm... interesting. I honestly, wonder if I'm the Debbie Downer that my blog makes me sound like. I do need to say that I don't blog about all teh positives b/c well, we just don't do that... I do have a good life and I'm happy. There are just moments when I need to vent and this blog is for that. So, with that disclaimer out of the way, let me tell you about my day.
I woke up at 7 to a SOAKED Gabe, crawling on me, smacking me in the face to wake up. I get up, get him changed and in the high chair for some breakfast, and make my coffee. While the coffee is going, I notice the garbage is OVERFLOWING on the floor. The garbage that I asked DJ to take out yesterday MORNING. A full 24 hours before. Next, I find a sink full of dirty dishes... a sink that empty when I went to bed. Another mess of DJ's b/c when he comes at midnigth he's hungry and cooks. That's fine... but is it too much to ask, to not wake up to a sink full, well actually a counter-full of dishes?? I started loading the dishwasher and cleaning the kitchen. At this point, I remember reading a blog of a friend of mine who was woken up on her birthday, to breakfast in bed, prepared by her husband and 3 small children.
It wasn't that I wanted that per se... but this was so far to the other extreme...
So, I go to the garbage and try to take it out of the can. Do you think it will budge? I end up beating the can to a pulp and ripping the "heavy duty" strings off completely. At this point, I storm into the livingroom where DJ is AWAKE on the couch, listening to me struggle and yell, "Are you freaking kidding me???" I get a "Huh?"
I just shake my head and go back and finish cleaning the kitchen.
Then I go upstairs...
As if it wasn't a crappy enough morning already... nothing could've prepared me for what happened next.
Now, remember all these things would be a crappy day, but days that we as mothers/wifes often live. There are always messes to clean,etc, but my problem today was that I expected it to be different. I was so wrong for that.
Remember in my entry yesterday where I said the girls were upstairs cleaning thier rooms? Well, that didn't happen. In fact, they are messer now than ever. I stood in the hallway fighting back the tears b/c I feel so overwhelmed.
Next I walk in the bathroom, and find the lid to a $10 bottle of BRAND SPANKING NEW liquid make up sitting on the counter. Where's the bottle of makeup?? After some interogation, I find that Hannah did a "makeover" on Abby, spilled the makeup, and decided to DUMP IT DOWN THE TOILET. Yes, my 9 year old stood over the toilet and poured a brand new bottle of make up down the toilet. Wha???
Just wait, it gets better...
I go down the hallway to my bedroom b/c I need to breath. I find RED LIPSTICK drawings on the walls.
I lose it. I mean I freaking lose it. I collapse into a heap in the bathroom, after locking the door, cranking up the radio and turning on the shower and I bawl.
I'm turning 29, I don't know who I am now, I'm struggling trying to be the perfect mom and wife, I've made a million mistakes in the last year, I just made a career move and started a new job, in a new field, we have no church home anymore, I can't trust any of my friends, I was left out of a huge birthday party for another friend last night (more on that later), I've had medication changes, hormonal changes, I don't know what to eat, or how to eat right... I feel like the whole world is looking at me to see if I can make anything of ME.
I sat on that cold bathroom floor and cried every tear I've held in for the last year. It all came out.
I figured this day would come but I surely didn't think it would be on my birthday. A birthday I was already not looking forward to.
After a few minutes I composed myself enough to explain to DJ why I was having a breakdown and he felt terrible. I felt even worse for letting things effect me like they did, but honestly, I just expected the day to start so different.
I expect other people to be crappy to me, but not DJ and not my kids. Kids are kids... but they have never done stuff like this! So, we finally get out the door for my bday dinner, after Gabe took a big poop on the floor after his bath...
We ended up at O'Charleys and to make a long story less long, I'll just say, the food was gross and I ended up eating 3 onion rings and having a cup of coffee. I brought my food home, chicken and broccoli, and ended up not eating any of the chicken and dumping on the broccoli. How ignorant is it that O'Charleys plain broccoli is 200 calories, and 11 g of fat. No wonder us American's are MO. Seriously, BROCCOLI?? I thought I was making a good choice. Instead, I end up dumping on my bday... not from cake but from broccoli. Only me.
So, see this day hasn't been that wonderful. Now, I'm at home alone w/ the kids. DJ had to work 2nd shift and 3rd shift today. So I'm doing laundry and playing online. I've decided to stay off myspace b/c my friend is posting tons of pictures from R"s bday party last night. Real freaking nice too since she hasn't even bothered to even wish me a happy birthday at all. I guess that's what a 20 year friendship gets you. R has been her friend for 3 months. Wonderful, huh. She could text me this a.m. to tell me how drunk she got last night too, but I guess the words Happy Birthday were too much for her. Eh.
I did get my nails done today and that nice. That gives me a little boost...but honestly, let's just move along. There's nothing more to see here.
This birthday was... umm... interesting. I honestly, wonder if I'm the Debbie Downer that my blog makes me sound like. I do need to say that I don't blog about all teh positives b/c well, we just don't do that... I do have a good life and I'm happy. There are just moments when I need to vent and this blog is for that. So, with that disclaimer out of the way, let me tell you about my day.
I woke up at 7 to a SOAKED Gabe, crawling on me, smacking me in the face to wake up. I get up, get him changed and in the high chair for some breakfast, and make my coffee. While the coffee is going, I notice the garbage is OVERFLOWING on the floor. The garbage that I asked DJ to take out yesterday MORNING. A full 24 hours before. Next, I find a sink full of dirty dishes... a sink that empty when I went to bed. Another mess of DJ's b/c when he comes at midnigth he's hungry and cooks. That's fine... but is it too much to ask, to not wake up to a sink full, well actually a counter-full of dishes?? I started loading the dishwasher and cleaning the kitchen. At this point, I remember reading a blog of a friend of mine who was woken up on her birthday, to breakfast in bed, prepared by her husband and 3 small children.
It wasn't that I wanted that per se... but this was so far to the other extreme...
So, I go to the garbage and try to take it out of the can. Do you think it will budge? I end up beating the can to a pulp and ripping the "heavy duty" strings off completely. At this point, I storm into the livingroom where DJ is AWAKE on the couch, listening to me struggle and yell, "Are you freaking kidding me???" I get a "Huh?"
I just shake my head and go back and finish cleaning the kitchen.
Then I go upstairs...
As if it wasn't a crappy enough morning already... nothing could've prepared me for what happened next.
Now, remember all these things would be a crappy day, but days that we as mothers/wifes often live. There are always messes to clean,etc, but my problem today was that I expected it to be different. I was so wrong for that.
Remember in my entry yesterday where I said the girls were upstairs cleaning thier rooms? Well, that didn't happen. In fact, they are messer now than ever. I stood in the hallway fighting back the tears b/c I feel so overwhelmed.
Next I walk in the bathroom, and find the lid to a $10 bottle of BRAND SPANKING NEW liquid make up sitting on the counter. Where's the bottle of makeup?? After some interogation, I find that Hannah did a "makeover" on Abby, spilled the makeup, and decided to DUMP IT DOWN THE TOILET. Yes, my 9 year old stood over the toilet and poured a brand new bottle of make up down the toilet. Wha???
Just wait, it gets better...
I go down the hallway to my bedroom b/c I need to breath. I find RED LIPSTICK drawings on the walls.
I lose it. I mean I freaking lose it. I collapse into a heap in the bathroom, after locking the door, cranking up the radio and turning on the shower and I bawl.
I'm turning 29, I don't know who I am now, I'm struggling trying to be the perfect mom and wife, I've made a million mistakes in the last year, I just made a career move and started a new job, in a new field, we have no church home anymore, I can't trust any of my friends, I was left out of a huge birthday party for another friend last night (more on that later), I've had medication changes, hormonal changes, I don't know what to eat, or how to eat right... I feel like the whole world is looking at me to see if I can make anything of ME.
I sat on that cold bathroom floor and cried every tear I've held in for the last year. It all came out.
I figured this day would come but I surely didn't think it would be on my birthday. A birthday I was already not looking forward to.
After a few minutes I composed myself enough to explain to DJ why I was having a breakdown and he felt terrible. I felt even worse for letting things effect me like they did, but honestly, I just expected the day to start so different.
I expect other people to be crappy to me, but not DJ and not my kids. Kids are kids... but they have never done stuff like this! So, we finally get out the door for my bday dinner, after Gabe took a big poop on the floor after his bath...
We ended up at O'Charleys and to make a long story less long, I'll just say, the food was gross and I ended up eating 3 onion rings and having a cup of coffee. I brought my food home, chicken and broccoli, and ended up not eating any of the chicken and dumping on the broccoli. How ignorant is it that O'Charleys plain broccoli is 200 calories, and 11 g of fat. No wonder us American's are MO. Seriously, BROCCOLI?? I thought I was making a good choice. Instead, I end up dumping on my bday... not from cake but from broccoli. Only me.
So, see this day hasn't been that wonderful. Now, I'm at home alone w/ the kids. DJ had to work 2nd shift and 3rd shift today. So I'm doing laundry and playing online. I've decided to stay off myspace b/c my friend is posting tons of pictures from R"s bday party last night. Real freaking nice too since she hasn't even bothered to even wish me a happy birthday at all. I guess that's what a 20 year friendship gets you. R has been her friend for 3 months. Wonderful, huh. She could text me this a.m. to tell me how drunk she got last night too, but I guess the words Happy Birthday were too much for her. Eh.
I did get my nails done today and that nice. That gives me a little boost...but honestly, let's just move along. There's nothing more to see here.
3/15/08
I need to stop
posting when I'm exhausted and in a bad mental place. Ha!
I was so tired last night and my SIL wanted me to watch her two kids (19 months and 3months) and my own 19 month old... I had my hands full. It went fine though. The boys played together and I rocked the baby and a few hours later mommy and daddy were back.
Hannah and Abby were off spending the night w/ Grammy and cousins so it was pretty quiet. Gabe fell asleep around 11 and I wasn't too far behind. I think I fell asleep sitting straight up in the rocking chair.
I got up around 7 and got things around for the kids. They had an easter egg hunt at 10 and Awards for their basketball/cheering program at 1. We had lunch at a really great mexican place here in town. I got a fajita supreme and ate about 1/3 of the insides and then ate another 1/3 a few hours later. Now I'm still full and drinking plenty of water.
I'm having a pain in my chest today... I dont' think it's my pouch... I think it's my right lung. It hurts when I breathe, swallow, talk, move...ugh. I woke up really congested this a.m. but most of it has drained. Now my chest hurts.. it's a stabbing pain. No idea what it is. I don't have time to be sick! Tomorrow is my birthday and then I'm working 4 days next week in training, then we are heading to an indoor water park over Easter weekend. No time for sickys!!
It's a weird pain though b/c when I swallow something, I can feel it go down that part of my chest and it makes that stabbing pain go. But also when I cough or breathe it does that...
Pouch or lung.. I dunno, but I just wish it would stop! Ick.
Gabe is napping now and the girls are cleaning... let's pray they actually clean. They are known for getting side tracked! ;)
I was so tired last night and my SIL wanted me to watch her two kids (19 months and 3months) and my own 19 month old... I had my hands full. It went fine though. The boys played together and I rocked the baby and a few hours later mommy and daddy were back.
Hannah and Abby were off spending the night w/ Grammy and cousins so it was pretty quiet. Gabe fell asleep around 11 and I wasn't too far behind. I think I fell asleep sitting straight up in the rocking chair.
I got up around 7 and got things around for the kids. They had an easter egg hunt at 10 and Awards for their basketball/cheering program at 1. We had lunch at a really great mexican place here in town. I got a fajita supreme and ate about 1/3 of the insides and then ate another 1/3 a few hours later. Now I'm still full and drinking plenty of water.
I'm having a pain in my chest today... I dont' think it's my pouch... I think it's my right lung. It hurts when I breathe, swallow, talk, move...ugh. I woke up really congested this a.m. but most of it has drained. Now my chest hurts.. it's a stabbing pain. No idea what it is. I don't have time to be sick! Tomorrow is my birthday and then I'm working 4 days next week in training, then we are heading to an indoor water park over Easter weekend. No time for sickys!!
It's a weird pain though b/c when I swallow something, I can feel it go down that part of my chest and it makes that stabbing pain go. But also when I cough or breathe it does that...
Pouch or lung.. I dunno, but I just wish it would stop! Ick.
Gabe is napping now and the girls are cleaning... let's pray they actually clean. They are known for getting side tracked! ;)
3/14/08
I thought I was getting freedom..
but I'm thinking, I only got a transfer to another prison.
The old prison?
Fat.
Depression.
Low Self Esteem.
Anger.
Food Obsession.
Food Addiction.
Binge Eating.
Secret Eating.
Trying any and every diet imaginable.
The new prison?
Feeling fat.
Still depressed.
Still have low self estem.
Still angry.
Still obsessed w/ food and binging.
Still trying fad/crash diets.
Still eating in secret.
What's the difference?
1. I'm 120 something pounds lighter.
2. I can't binge to the caloric level I used to.
3. Dumping keeps me from going hog (no pun intended) wild... so far.
Arg! Why is this hitting me now at 11 months post op??? I remember those days when I'd eat a few bites and feel so full and so secure and FULL.
Am I addicted to being "full"?
It isn't about the food. I went for months w/o the food and was fine! I went for months and didn't binge. I didn't eat junk!!
I want to feel FULL. I like that feeling. I like feeling like I'm fulfilled, and when I eat to that point, I'm happy. BUT Then the gas hits, and I feel bloated and gross and jiggly and I start feeling so guilty. And a few times I have purged. But I don't often and honestly I don't like that so I avoid it usually, unless I'm so uncomfortable that I can't bear it.
Do you ever feel like a hamster on a wheel?? Running in circles.
If I obsess about my food and I load it all into fitday or somewhere, it puts food in the forefront of my mind. It makes things worse. For the majority of my weight loss I have not logged food. I ate when I was hungry, I stopped when I wasn't.
The last two months, I've gone backwards. I've eaten in boredom and not working made it easier b/c I have had so much down time at home. Thank god I'm going back to work now and that should help some.
I still feel like I'm trapped. I feel like my body dictates everything I do. That is how I got up to almost 300 lbs. It said eat and I did. It said, eat more and I did. It's talking to me again... how do I make it stop?
The old prison?
Fat.
Depression.
Low Self Esteem.
Anger.
Food Obsession.
Food Addiction.
Binge Eating.
Secret Eating.
Trying any and every diet imaginable.
The new prison?
Feeling fat.
Still depressed.
Still have low self estem.
Still angry.
Still obsessed w/ food and binging.
Still trying fad/crash diets.
Still eating in secret.
What's the difference?
1. I'm 120 something pounds lighter.
2. I can't binge to the caloric level I used to.
3. Dumping keeps me from going hog (no pun intended) wild... so far.
Arg! Why is this hitting me now at 11 months post op??? I remember those days when I'd eat a few bites and feel so full and so secure and FULL.
Am I addicted to being "full"?
It isn't about the food. I went for months w/o the food and was fine! I went for months and didn't binge. I didn't eat junk!!
I want to feel FULL. I like that feeling. I like feeling like I'm fulfilled, and when I eat to that point, I'm happy. BUT Then the gas hits, and I feel bloated and gross and jiggly and I start feeling so guilty. And a few times I have purged. But I don't often and honestly I don't like that so I avoid it usually, unless I'm so uncomfortable that I can't bear it.
Do you ever feel like a hamster on a wheel?? Running in circles.
If I obsess about my food and I load it all into fitday or somewhere, it puts food in the forefront of my mind. It makes things worse. For the majority of my weight loss I have not logged food. I ate when I was hungry, I stopped when I wasn't.
The last two months, I've gone backwards. I've eaten in boredom and not working made it easier b/c I have had so much down time at home. Thank god I'm going back to work now and that should help some.
I still feel like I'm trapped. I feel like my body dictates everything I do. That is how I got up to almost 300 lbs. It said eat and I did. It said, eat more and I did. It's talking to me again... how do I make it stop?
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